do you ever just lose it? | Autism PDD

my dd (3, pdd-nos) has been having more and more meltdowns lately (they seem to come in phases) and it's really fraying my last nerves! I lost it with her today when she had her third one of the morning and totally yelled at her. I hate it when I do that because I know she can't help it (it started when she got scared of the UPS delivery truck coming to our house right when we were coming home and refused to get out of the car or go in the house and was crying and screaming 'do you want to go outside?" over and over and over and over.)

It almost doesn't matter what triggers it; something just sets her off and then she's upset and nothing can set it right. It just has to run it's long, agonizing course. Earlier this morning she was really upset because someone was coming over to clean our carpets and everything had to be moved around off the floor. Well, you can imagine how THAT went over. And yesterday, we had to leave a restaurant because we couldn't sit at the table she wanted (the hostess sat us at a table and she didn't like the table, wanted to sit at another specific table. Oh, the looks I got scraping her off the floor and while she sat next to me hysterical. Over what? Beats me!) She's done that before at restaurants. Does anyone know what that's about. It's not like we have a specific table we always sit at, but maybe she has some table in mind going in? She's gone through a "dark phase" before and this doesn't seem as bad, but I can definitely tell we're in meltdown mode.

I get so frustrated. It builds up. I try to be patient, understanding, calm, set limits, not lose my cool because I know it makes everything worse, but really I just want to do something simple like have somebody come to the door or be seated at a restaurant without a big scene, so it does get to me. I hate that feeling of being restrained and limited and walking on eggshells. But I hate that feeling after I yell at her worse! It makes me feel like the baddest, meanest mommy in the world, how could I lose it with my precious child when she has such a hard time even talking!?!? I know she'll survive and all that, I just feel wretched. How do you all survive the meltdowns?

It's not easy....

My daughter loses it during thunderstorms...totally flips on us.

Also anytime an unexpected noise happens she covers her ears and hits the floor.

Alot of times what we end up doing for the worst meltdowns is to just take her upstairs and put her on her bed....mind you she's 5.

It's hard not to lose your cool, we are all after all human. I think what makes it more difficult on all of us is when they have their meltdowns in public...you can't do too much yet you have people staring and pointing.

One of my daughter's worst meltdowns occurred at my work (I'm an EKG technologist and was working for the military up until this year) I had to do a repeat EKG on her....she totally lost it...totally when flipping mad.

She doesn't like the electrodes on her skin.

Well....

I had to stay at work and couldn't walk out with them at this point as it would have made matters worse...

So my husband had to take her kicking and screaming and flailing out to the car. Our son at the time was in his stroller, 3 months old.

He had a 2 star General tell him to and I quote "Get control of your child"

My hubby told him to 'f*ck' off. Those were his exact words....

People just assume it's cause you are a bad parent that your child is behaving this way too....

Surviving the meltdowns is something that I'm still trying to learn how to do.

i lose it a lot, but i end up taking it out on others. not my daughter. people close to me know and understand this, so they are not affected by it. they have learned to ignore me and let me vent.

about a year ago it got really bad. i had my brother's three kids living with me, so i was taking care of four kids under the age of seven, one being autistic (my daughter, 5 at the time). it was so HORRIBLE. i was good with the kids (i love them all as my own, i call them "my babies"), but as soon as they were out of earshot, i would go crazy. there was a span of about a month where all i would do was walk around the house like a zombie, saying "i am going to shoot myself in the face." one day i was standing in the kitchen with my mother, after breaking up another fight among the kids, and i said my famous phrase. my mother then replied "ok, just dont make a mess." and walked away. LOL!! thats how understanding they are.

Sallys,

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time right now. Yea...I have lost it too. I have at times had to go to my room and shut the door to get a hold of myself. I have cried and screamed behind that door and when I'm done...i know it's silly but it actually made me feel better afterwards. I started doing this after I caught myself yelling at him so I decided that I would have to work it out some other way...so now if it gets really really bad I go to my room. It's amazing how even a good 60 seconds of my own meltdown will help me. I know where your at right now because I have been there myself. So you are not alone in this one. Take care,

karrie

Well I know with Jeffrey I have to be careful what I say because they can hear the littliest things. You will be surprised what they will repeat.

Tammy

Sally's,

Sorry to hear you had one of those days !! Which we all get !! Even parents of normal children !! We all feel terrible after the fact, I just always remember tomorrow will be better.

Well hope you don't beat yourself up over it and have a great day tomorrow !!!

OMG! I know how you feel. I have 3 kids all on the spectrum, all age 6 and under. Some days I just feel like I want to run away from home! LOL I catch myself yelling and screaming right along with them once in a while and I feel so very bad afterwards. I am going to the dr. next week because I also have severe PMS, not your typical crying, etc... more like I need to lock myself in my room or I will go postal. So I am going to try welbutrin. My dh takes it due to his back injury. The constant pain meds affect him badly, but the welbutrin helps him so much. Also, welbutrin is used to promote weight loss so hopefully I will get a double benefit! LOL One thing I do to help us get through each day is say a silent prayer and ask for help dealing with everything and ask that we can have a good, peaceful, happy day together. It really helps me a lot.

Rachelle

Hey Sally Im sorry you are having a hard time. Seems we never get a break from the strain or stress. I feel guilty when I have 2 seconds of peace because I think I should be playing with them and having FUN but OMG if the rest of the time isnt HE!! Hes constantly going off over somethign and I just cant deal with it anymore! Im fearing he will end up having to go into an institution if I don't get it under control soon, but it doesnt help thats Im over stressed now too! And we all know when we arent feeling too wonderful then we cant do as well for our kids. I lost medical insurance - cant go see a dr. I called the free clinic but they only see people for cold / flu related..... I went to the county mental health - that was the Very begining of June and the best they could do was make an appt with a therapist for mid Sept! Then the therapist will determine if you need meds and make a referal to the dr. Finally just last week I called and spoke with the director and explained my situation and begged for help and she got me a dr appointment for next week!!! Its SO HARD and no one understands what we go thru.

I know for many of us the stress of a special needs child, the sleep deprevation, the meltdowns, the hours of driving and sitting through therapies, and the countless problems with the schools... all we want is a little peace - a little break. It has taken its toll on many of us.... some are divorced, have isolated themselves from family or friends and/or been forgotten by family and friends... I know my life changed so much...

Anyway,...... regarding the meltdowns with your daughter,..... I began to predict the things that would set him off which was nearly everything. PREPPING him as much as possible has helped alot.

Example the carpet cleaners are coming over there are alot of things that could be upsetting her... Maybe she is afraid of the look of the equiptment and hoses. Maybe she doesnt like strangers being over. maybe its the furniture being moved about, maybe its the sound of the machines, or the smell of the cleaner used..... maybe its a combination of all of it or maybe its something else.

If she has toys in the living room start by having her help put them in a different room while explaining to her you are having the carpet cleaners come . Show her pictures of their ad or something so she can relate hopefully Heck take pictures of them there is necessary!!! But prepare her that there is a change going to happen as best you can. Maybe you can take her outsode to play while they are there, or if you have a support system have her go to a friends or a neighbors or relatives for the few hours.

If you come home to the UPS man in your drive way unless its something that has to be signed for drive past the house and circle around and back while you explain to her oh BOY the delivery man is there with the package Mommy is waiting for! Will you help me open it? Or driveby until hes gone. Or driveby and circle back and explain to her and deal with the fit but CONSISTENCY should help resolve the issues over time. you might even want to pull into a neighbors driveway or something if possible and walk over and explain to him the situation and ask him if he can leave and circle and come right back once you can get her in the house to her room for example. I found many people these days that once you explain are so willing to help many say Oh I have a friend whos sister or cousin or someone is or knows someone who has autism.

The resturaunt could be the same thing as the carpet cleaners.... maybe she does have her eye on a specific table.... maybe she was looking at a picture on a wall or soemthing and from that table she can no longer see it. Maybe a neighboring table has food that the smell is overwhelming her. Maybe the air or heat is blowing on her. Maybe the conversations going on are overwhelming her.... maybe its the change from waiting to being seated.... Maybe she doesnt want to eat there? It could be anything. Prepare her that you are going and explain we arent allowed to pick the table. If you notice she does better ina booth than a table or a table than a booth or perhaps does better in a corner than the nmiddle of the room or over by the drink area than the bar etc than I would go in and when I said to the waitress you need a table for however many I would explain you have an autistic child and she appears to possibly have sensory issues and ask is there anyway we can get a table near a corner or a booth or whatever you think she might like best. Ask your daughter one day if possible to show you if she likes a booth or table best (maybe by going into McDonalds and asking HER to choose where to sit. Practice going there during a quiet time of the day maybe just to have an ice cream cone or fries and then after you see a pattern of her always going to a corner or a booth or whatever start trying it during the buiser louder times. Then when you go to a resturaunt you may have a better idea of what she needs.

If you or someone in your party are smokers you may ask for the smoking section and think well shes used to being smoked around but the amount of people smoking around her might be overwhelming her too.

Its sorta like you have to play detective and try to look from her side whats going on around her and what she might not be understanding or be afraid of.

I hope it gets easier for you soon!

[QUOTE=Sunny]i lose it a lot, but i end up taking it out on others. not my daughter. people close to me know and understand this, so they are not affected by it. they have learned to ignore me and let me vent.

about a year ago it got really bad. i had my brother's three kids living with me, so i was taking care of four kids under the age of seven, one being autistic (my daughter, 5 at the time). it was so HORRIBLE. i was good with the kids (i love them all as my own, i call them "my babies"), but as soon as they were out of earshot, i would go crazy. there was a span of about a month where all i would do was walk around the house like a zombie, saying "i am going to shoot myself in the face." one day i was standing in the kitchen with my mother, after breaking up another fight among the kids, and i said my famous phrase. my mother then replied "ok, just dont make a mess." and walked away. LOL!! thats how understanding they are.

Sunny, I understand needing humor in all this mess.... many times I say if I didnt laugh I would cry!. But you say you walk around saying you are going to shoot yourself in the face and in my opinion thats NOTHING to joke around about especially in front of kids! If you get in the habit of saying it you are liable to say it when out in public as well. One wrong person hear you and take it serious you will be taken in for a psyc eval and who knows where your kids will be! Not to mention that kids on the spectrum take things literally and if your child heard you then what? (and believe me as much as they appear deaf - they hear MUCH MORE than we might think) ANY kid, but especially our asd kids, can hear these things and it either cause them extreme stress and worry or they may even think its a solution and either try to help you with it or do it themselves.

Every child is impressionable, every parent makes mistakes, but please consider what you are saying and doing around your children and the impression it leaves on them.

capri,

No i do not believe that you are the only father here. I do know of a couple that used to post more often but I haven't seen them post for a while now. WOW 3 years old and can run the track 3 laps??? That's pretty amazing..lol That's a good idea too. I know that before my son goes to therapy or if his EI is comming over I engage him in some gross motor activity like running, jumping, swinging etc and it seems to really help him get ready to focus and also enables him to speak better. I learned this trick from the "out of sync child" and it really works!!

Karrie

It could be your child might have a hearing processing delay or can't hear high pitched noises in one ear. I know with Gabe he has both and he tends to listen to men better than women. That is because women have high pitch voices. And the only way to get Gabe to listen sometimes is to raise your voice. Unless you look him directly in the eyes.

Tammy

Thanks everyone for your support and suggestions. It really does help just to know I'm not alone and that I'm not the only one that feels this way. Michelle, your suggestions for prepping, etc. were right on. I do that with dd all the time and it really works....except for when it doesn't!

Sometimes unfortunately it does have to run its course which is no fun for any of us..... I hoep things improve for you soon with your daughter

As I said on a recent post, I think it's the moon. My ds has been awful the last week or two. I have been going nuts! And, yes, I have lost it a couple times and then I feel so bad. But it's hard to know what to do or how to react sometimes, especially if you aren't sure what's causing it! Ds has always been difficult, of course, but lately his tantrums have increased in duration, have been occuring even more often than before and over every little thing, and also have been more difficult to manage. Dh is about at his wits end when I get home from work at night. So I really feel for you on this one sally. And taking her out to eat...what are you nuts! lol. I'm just kidding. I don't take ds to any restaurants. It is such an ordeal to take him to most places and so for food, we eat in like picking up take out. Unless dh wants to go on a date then we leave kiddies w/ BIL. That doesn't happen often though. I hope things get better and more mellow for you soon...and for all of us that have been having the same issues this mth.

Amber

My son used to meltdown because I drove home a different way. A friend said that I needed to welcome these times as an opportunity to help him overcome an obsession that was controlling his life. Well you can imagine how I felt about that, but she had been through it herself so I gave it a try. I would drive home differently on purpose, then just keep repeating soothing phrases to him like, "See we are home now. Everything is alright" and as soon as he quieted I would give him a reward. I only had to do this about 4 times. In my son his meltdowns were a control tactic and as his language and understanding grew I could be a bit more firm about what I expected him to cope with. But it isn't easy and much of it depends on how much they can understand you. I also made lots of adjustments in the beginning when I understood how much his sensory issues were causing problems with him. Like I wouldn't go shopping for long periods. He also freaked in one store because of the fluorescents so I stopped going there. I would take him to the shop and just walk around it for 10 mins praising him constantly and then go home.

I feel for you as I know how hard it is. I have two with Autism but I am blessed as they are now high functioning, though my eldest I thought would never talk and now sometimes I wonder why I prayed so hard for him to be able to, as his obsessive talk drives me crazy LOL.

Now see that would not work with Jeffrey. He is fixated on certain routines and he has an obsession with landmarks. And to a degree an obsession on food.

Tammy

Cherylann, that's funny that you suggest "breaking" the routines, because dd's ST just recommended I do that to to break up all her little associations she has with words/phrases (rote phrases, saying things in the same order, etc) and also associations in general. She also doesn't like it when I take a different route home or do things differently in general. So today when I got home I made her go in the house through the garage because she always wants to go through the front door and has a tantrum if she can't. I just did it so quick and matter of fact and kinda guided her back with my arm that she didn't even protest. Then, the next time we got home, I gave her the choice between garage and front door. She chose front door of course. Tabitha, I know this type of thing wouldn't work with Jeffrey and the landmarks!

Michelle, I wanted you to know that your tip for distraction already spared me one public humiliation today. I was going to try your idea of having a special toy (still am) but found it works with anything! We were at the store and I HAD to get some shopping done. DD usually gets chocolate milk at the store as her treat so we got that but somehow when I put it in the basket it set her off. One of those, I don't know what I did wrong, but there's no putting it right things and everything I try makes it worse. So, I'm starting to think UH-OH, here it comes, she's going into stress echolalia/repeat mode "do you want milk in basket?" over and over and starting to throw herself down on the floor and cry. I think DISTRACTION. So I whip out her sippy cup and open the milk right there in the store (what do I care if she gets it now or in the car?) and voila! tantrum narrowly adverted! (she wasn't crying FOR the milk or she wouldn't have gotten it, it was something about the milk being in the basket or me doing something out of routine. She usually gets the milk at the end of the trip in the car with no problems, so I definitely don't feel like I was giving into a tantrum for the milk). She was happy, no public humiliation for me and I got my shopping done. THANK YOU!!

Hey Sally! We gotta do what works right???? we MUST BE the most creative parents EVER! LOL

Hope you find some solutions soon! Hang in there