"Anatomy" of a Meltdown | Autism PDD
Thanks NorwayMom, I'll look at those articles later today.
Hi Woodsman. I'm very sorry you are having to deal with those addictions. I know they can be powerful and hard if not impossible to get out from under. I wish you the best on that. 
Your question is long and very complex, and it does not have just one correct answer, but I will do my best to answer as much of it as I can.
The only thing that has kept me off of mind-altering substances is fear of the unknown. I remain stable by staying in control of my "world," which means being alert enough to stimuli that I can go into my "mental database" and pick the appropriate script fast enough to avoid looking dumb, getting injured, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, offending the people I'm with, etc., etc.. Street drugs would take that alertness away from me and I would no longer be in control of my world, and thus no longer in control of my actions. The less in touch I am with my environment (due to prolonged stress/overload, some medications, or whatever), the more prominent my autistic tendencies become. I experience a lot of stress when I do something "wrong," especially when I did not intend to do it. So it stands to reason that if I were on any kind of min-altering drug, I would be even more out of touch, which means I would inadvertently do more wrong things, which means I would have even more guilt and anxiety ariound other people. Aside from that it could put me in trouble with the law, and since law enforcement procedures go on without allowing the suspect to know what's happening, it would add a perpetual "unknown" environmental condition that I would continuously stress over in addition to everything else. So looking at it from that angle it seems to me like turning to drugs will only magnify my current problem many times over.
I think my main crutch is that I have mainly "acquaintances," not "friends." In other words, I have certain protective barriers ("firewalls" if you will) about me that most people just can't get through. I never stay in social situations for very long, and I only go out often enough that people will see that I am willing to go out. All I really have to do is focus on *not* doing anything offensive, and then if I don't make much conversation the people around me seem to absorb the "blame" somewhat for not getting to know me in the brief time that they saw me. I have the ability to "mimic" the people around me and quickly learn to do enough to not appear the odd man out, provided I only make brief appearances. I usually do this by mimicking behaviors that I observe from members of the group. I just use my mental store of scripts to anticipate certain moments, then inject the scripted response when the opportune moment arrives. It's not always easy to do, but I only have to do that successfully a couple of times in order to appear "normal" to them, albeit quiet and reserved. Thus I am simply camouflaged or disguised from a social standpoint, rather than actually a genuine member of the clique. As long as I leave with a reputation something to the effect of "that one guy Nick, I didn't get to talk to him much, and he didn't stay long, but he seemed cool...." it puts the responsibility of being social on the other people, rather than me, because it makes them curious about me and interested in me. All I have to do then is not let them get *quite* close enough to see me up close, and I can hang with a group for a while.
I am able to play in a band setting only when people are impressed enough with my talent on the bass guitar that I am invited based solely on that rather than it having anything at all to do with my social standing with them.
Eventually, however, my quirks and oddities will begin to show up, people will stop greeting me, and the responsibility of being social will start to shift back to me. Once this happens I begin to withdraw, and at a certain point I will feel out of place enough that I will detach from that group of friends, be reclusive and collect my thoughts for a short period of time, and then when I feel ready or the opportunity presents itself, find another so that I can once again have a social "luster" about me. This cycle repeats about every 12-18 months. It sort of makes me a camouflaged social "parasite," but it's the best I can do.
And on a side note, if I don't let them get too close, it has the added effect of not allowing me to get emotionally attached to anyone, so it is easier to detach from them when the time comes.
I have a few people who know that I am autistic, and whom I feel comfortable enough to welcome myself around. These certain people are my social and emotional lifeline when my contact with the rest of the world breaks down. They are aware of my quirks, know how to read my shut down process, and quickly show forgiveness and support if and when there is a meltdown or social blunder. And it is usually through them in one way or another that I periodically find new avenues into the rest of the NT world.
I am prepared for failure at all times, and have measures in place to cushion myself emotionally. The only times I really go off the deep end is when I have several falls in quick succession, in which case I exhaust my emotional reserves before I am able to extinguish all of the problems that incur themselves. In these cases if it were not for my core of "close" friends, not to mention my Christian faith, I would be a very real danger to myself. There have been a few times when I have doubted that even those two safety nets would be enough to save me.
That's about all I've got for you right now. Good luck and try not to give up. There are a couple of old cliche's that go something like "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer," and "Expect the best but prepare for the worst," and I've found them both to be very useful philosophies.
Very interesting topic. What you wrote, Nick, really rings true. I certainly know that my son (almost 9) will go from agitation/escalation to meltdown if someone puts further demands on him.
I think that young kids with classic autism go into "instant" meltdown because their overall stress level is so high that they get easily pushed past their threshold. They often can't communicate their inner-state with words, and their parents are often new to autism and don't know what nonverbal signs to look for. I heard of a case where the sign was nearly invisible -- pupil dilation!
I also think that it's possible to learn to be more adaptable and less rigid, and time and exposure is sometimes enough to accomplish that. However, what's happening underneath the surface is likely that the child is learning coping mechanisms, and the parent is too. With kids that are extra rigid, these coping mechanisms might need to be taught and practiced more explicitly.
I've found a couple good articles about how parents can handle escalation and meltdown, and if you care to read them, Nick, I'd be interested in hearing your take on them. I think they show understanding and respect for the way the child experiences these overwhelming situations.
One of the articles is posted in its entirety under this topic:
http://www.autism-pdd.net/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14550&am p;KW=chance
The other is here:
http://www.isec2005.org.uk/isec/abstracts/papers_m/myles_b.s html
Thanks for your valuable insight on this topic.
How do u cope, i mean u play in a band, u obviously have friends too and must be social when u dont want to, i hope u dont use the same crutches i do in life, what do u do? mind u i dont want anybody to my my condition I must cope without them realizing i have autism i would absolutly loose my friends cause they would not understand and probably get screwed at my job. This seemed to be the only way to cope once i started this partying i instantly became friends with many people and now socializing = having to alter my mind and feel good, or high or drunk so im interesting, dont zone or freak out, can go with the flow and no matter what unexpected things happen around me i can cope, i also bring this up on thr parents site because im sure someday when their children get older they may have to figure out how to deal and try to be normal and i fear they may come to the same conculsion as i have. HELP anybody!!Jeeze stick boy, u gave me alot to think about i never took the time to think why my past socail life sucked so much my friends and neghboors never understood why i was strange and would get angry sometimes, they thought i was a bad kid and that was rough cause sometimes even tho i liked isolation i always had the deisre to fit in. Now i have another problem, because i never thought about why i zone out or freak out sometimes, i dont freak out so much anymore unless their is too much going on around me and nobody will get off my back but while just casually socializing, like at the bar or at a friends house in order to stay focused and be sociable when i dont feel like it (i have to often be when i am not i dont control when my friends come over or when we all wanna meet at the bar) i must go with the flow never know what i may be gettin into and although we have fun i pull into myself sometimes when too much is going on and instead of being smart about it and figuring out why i do these things and try to avoid it and continue being socail in unfarmilar places and settings i cope by drinking, smoking pot or taking these paowerful painkillers that i dont need other then because they make me feel comfortable and then i can socailize and not look like im daydreaming and not paying attention, my friends get mad when they need to repeat things and think that im bored with um it really agitates me but i have coped like this for all my socail life, since i have been in high school and i dont want people on this board to think im a bad person by doing all these drugs and being a drunk, i really wanna help to but this is a serious problem all my friends think i have a problem when really i only do these things when they are around to cope. My parents think im a drunk, and my friends think im a tad excessive not to say they dont do these things as well and its a serious problem i would like nothing more then to stop and be social like normal people without these aids but i cant and i feel horrible because of it. U gave me something to think about but i feel ill always need these aids my whole life to be able to fit in and converse like a normal person.I wanted to add that when I have meltdowns, it's not necessarily correlated to whether I am dealing with social information or not. It's just too much information all at once and it all gets crammed into a tight bottleneck either trying to interpret too fast or respond too fast, and then my body flails around in response. True, and it's interesting to note that sensory overload seems to cause physical discomfort (skin crawling/invisible irritation, localized fatigue, etc.). Some of the stimming behaviors I use, such as rubbing my skin, contorting, or scratching, can actually be in response to these physical sensations as much as to the eomtional issues.I finally had the time to take a look at that article, NorwayMom. I think it is well thought out and touches on a lot of helpful things. There are a few things in it that I don't 100% agree with. That being said, it's important to remember that since no two autistic people are the same, it stands to reason that you wouldn't be able to take any one treatment method and use it as a paintbrush for the entire specrum.
But one thing that jumped out at me was this:
Many things can trigger agitation in children with autism:
„X Not getting what he/she wants
„X Not doing what he/she wants to do
„X Not being able to regulate to environmental stimuli
„X Not being able to regulate to internal stimuli
The first two, to me, look like a direct analogy to NT children and I don't think it completely fits. It's an entirely different viewpoint going into a meltdown. I understood early on that I couldn't always have what I wanted, and I always factored that into the equation as I saw appropriate, depending on the circumstances. It seems to me that in NT children, however, getting what you want is sometimes a power play for them, so they will often scheme to get their way as sort of an achievement over the barrier of authority. NTs do this all the way through adulthood. It is part of the natural process of self-assertiveness, and while it evolves as the child ages through adolescence and adulthood, the basic principle remains the same.
From an autistic perspective, however, the goal is solely on options three and four. I never gave a rat's @$$ (pardon the expression) where I stood on the hierarchy of dominance and authority. All that ever mattered to me was that I was in control of my own environment and could prepare to deal with any and all environmental stimuli. Only when things are more or less in order from that perpective will I be comfortable, regardless of whether I'm the boss, the ring-leader, or the mere lackey. So when dealing with a meltdown (or the warning signs preceding it), what you are seeing is a person whose environmental stimuli are becoming too numerous for him to organize and prioritize. In a low functioning child it may not range past seeing his blocks lined up in a particular way or keeping the string on the miniblinds in constant motion, while for a higher functioning child it may be a complex and intricate bag of internal as well as external aspects. In the latter case, these factors are sometimes interchangeable through the correct use of words, which may explain why it is sometimes easier to coax a higher functioning child back away from the threshold of meltdown than it is for a child with "classic" autism. Generally the less verbal the child is the more tactile their comforting stimuli are. With the highly verbal ones sometimes words and wording can present discomfort more so than the actual request that is presented. They may be melting down because you didn't deliver your request in a manner they could quickly process, then forced a response before they were ready, rather than because they didn't get their way. In nonverbal kids their comfort zone is extremely tactile and physical, so they may be melting down because you had to take their toy away, move them, or otherwise presented a physical sensation that they were not ready to process. I have experienced both of these types of discomfort, so I am assuming that if I were nonverbal I would only be experienceing the physical ones.
Other than that though, I tend to agree with the methodology presented regarding comprehending and dealing with children who experience meltdowns.
Nick-
Thanks for taking the time to write these well written and easy to read posts. You obviously spend a lot of time and thought and it shows in your thorough explanations which even my old english teacher would enjoy reading. Very refreshing compared to general internet posts.
Woodsman - I have never been diagnosed with anything, although I believe I am in the aspergers range somewhere. Norway Mom recently posted a list of Autistic strengths and weaknesses. I thought it looked familiar so I dug out my old performance appraisals from work - all the strengths were listed multiple times! I also used a lot of coping help in high school and college. Particularly drinking. by the time I was 16 all the parties involved drinking and it seemd to help me as I was a disaster in school when everyone was straight and could really see me. I was also lucky that I grew up with 5 siblings in a neighborhood with tons of kids. Socializing was necessary because people were everywhere. I think it is easier to hang out and learn socials skills (or lack there of) when everyone is drunk. Since no one remembers much the next day you get a free pass on any blunders and they can be learned from so next time you might do better. I am not advocating drugs or alcohol, I actually think the best way would be to hang out with drunks but keep your edge, that way you can use the drunks as a study.
[quote] I actually think the best way would be to hang out with drunks but keep your edge, that way you can use the drunks as a study.[/quote]
I did that a lot in college. Often the marching/pep band would go on road trips to away games and tournaments, and in my biology and wildlife classes, we would sometimes go on weekend field trips where we would have to camp out. Often many of the students would get drunk at night and were amusing to watch. They often seemed perplexed by my lack of interest in alcohol, but they never pressured me to do it. I got along with them OK even though I didn't go under the influence. And their conversations/actions were useful in expanding my scripting data. Without their social inhibitions they were easy to eavesdrop on, and it was very easy to memorize what was funny, what was taboo, what was respectable, etc. and use that information to camouflage myself among other strangers.
ANyways, im accepted and after trying to be normal and realizing im not i managed to use that drive to get where i am now, been perfecting this for my whole life. I was not good at this when i was young but learned from all my mistakes and then just stuck to it but i wanna grow up here eventually im 25 and want to move on i guess, cause i know its the typical thing to do for someone in their mid 20's to find good careers and always bein around people.
I know that my friends may get bored doing the same stuff i sugesst over and over, more and more its chillin time nobody wants to do the active stuff with me anymore so ive addapted to even sugessting new things, ya man, absolutly break my routine and usually i get a following and this is how i maintain that imiage of being normal, adapting at a moments notice and doing so with little time to process, then its time for my aids, usually alcohol or painkillers, very rairly the smoke like u said earler it also seems to put me in a more silent and pull into myself more mode but its somethin to do to fit in with whatever particular crowd i try and be with at that time, so then i must cope with that but ya i guess we all have our social scripts for those of us who go and try and be socaial, i cant beleive after all the reading tho that im so good at it i know what its like to need time to think, and be able to have a more riggid, predictable scedual but i cant be boring to be around and have to just adapt with the flow.
I asked thinking u went out alot and played alot of music and was always on the move like i am much of the time. Im not sure if u can or not imagine all the years of screwing up and loosing friends and gettin screwed at the job or being able to respond quickly, my technique when this happens i ask... what? as if im partally deaf, now i bought a few seconds of time to formulate a response or verbal or anything else. Everybody thinks i have a hearing problem, hahaha.
I always try and have time in between activities, where i can come home or go for a walk somewhere and know ill be alone, during this time i plan for the next activity, and following scinarious if the plan does not fall into place i know what to expect. I come hope, hit the computer and type stuff like this, walk around the house for lack of a better term forcefully, walking hard and fast, thinking, or sittin somewhere rocking, and planning or thinking of what i need to do next, or prepairing for my next activity, it actually turnes me into a wreck sometimes, but then thats over and its back out to do whatever, usually get dragged to crowded bars or sittin in a room conversing for the hours.
This is far exceeding what i thought i would write i tryed to explain how i always feel as best i can but i dont think i need to explian it anymore to u guys, thanks for the help man.
[quote="woodsman25"]I asked thinking u went out alot and played alot of music and was always on the move like i am much of the time. Im not sure if u can or not imagine all the years of screwing up and loosing friends and gettin screwed at the job or being able to respond quickly, my technique when this happens i ask... what? as if im partally deaf, now i bought a few seconds of time to formulate a response or verbal or anything else. Everybody thinks i have a hearing problem, hahaha. [/quote]
Actually I can relate to that very well. I am on the move a lot. I haven't really settled down much mostly because I need the fresh start over and over. I currently have 3 nearly separate lives in 3 separate towns (although thankfully, one of them wil be coming to a close at the end of this month). One of the bands I played with (of which my brother was also a member as a drummer) did do fairly well locally, playing gigs on and off for about 2 years. We broke up when our frontman decided to go solo, essentially ditching us in the process.
I do get taken advantage of and misunderstood a lot on the job, and that's one reason why I have never kept any one job more than about 2 years. This school-teaching experience that I'm dealing with right now has been absolutely horrendous for me from all aspects, and I have been in almost continuous overload for the past 3 months. My separate lives in my hometown (where my family lives), and my college town (where I have some close friends), serve as escapes for me on weekends and scheduled breaks. I will leave teaching behind in less than a week, and focus solely on my other 2 "lives." I will seek to find employment and stability in one place, while using the other as an escape and a crutch. I'm not yet sure which town will fill which role, though. After I've had a few weeks to recover emotionally, I will proceed to figure that one out.
this should be stickied no doubt ive had these in my life most autistics have this is important inside stuff to know
i really enjoyed reading this very insightfull because ive certanily been there and felt that way. Thanks all. I really appreciate everyone's support. As I've said before, being able to talk about this stuff helps me to not be so alone.
WOW....
I wish I had read this last week....I had a day full of errands planned with my 3 kids...haircuts, lunch, toy store, food shopping, park (2) actually....but Erin had different plans and we had a VERY bumpy start. She had a meltdown in the lunch place and I was "melting" with her
I guess I did the right thing because we left, went to the car and just let her calm herslef down. My boys ( bless their hearts) try to soothe her and help her...but I said "just let her be and have some quiet"....10 minutes later she was fine.
She is completely nonvrbal, so I don't know how to backtrace with her and "figure' out what set her off.
Thank you so much for your post.....it has opened my eyes. I used to feel somewhat guilty for NOT comforting her, but I think I knew instintively that she DIDN"T want or need it.....but as a mom.....you feel bad NOT stepping in and making it all better. You have given me the confidence to know that it is okay to give her space, quiet and safe and let her work her own way out of the tantrum.
That actually takes a load off me to know that I CAN'T fix everything and am not expected to.
Thanks again !! I'm thrilled I came across this post and think it should be "stickied" into place so it doesn't get lost !
Hi David.
Glad to see you made it back here. I haven't been on a computer in nearly a week!!
[quote="alissa"]
Thank you so much for your post.....it has opened my eyes. I used to feel somewhat guilty for NOT comforting her, but I think I knew instintively that she DIDN"T want or need it.....but as a mom.....you feel bad NOT stepping in and making it all better. You have given me the confidence to know that it is okay to give her space, quiet and safe and let her work her own way out of the tantrum.
[/quote]
You are correct, but just remember when she starts coming back around, she may need the comforting. It all depends on her way of recovering. But if, once she's back to earth, she feels like she has hurt you then she will probably welcome the reassurance from you at that point.
There was some discussion on this before but I would like some clarification.
Is a violent (head banging...) tantrum the same as say a sad reaction/crying. My son seems to be gradually moving to less physical tantrums. I wondered if this is a spectrum thing with violent tantrums on one end and sobbing on the other. Either way it seems avoiding them involves the same approaches, but as it gets closer to the mellow side I wonder about spoiling them
Last night was a pretty typical meltdown for him. My wife took our younger daughter to register for preschool. I had been in the garage when they were getting in the car I went inside. He was starting to cry looking out the window. He was able to get out "I wanted to go to L's preschool" between sobbing. For the first 5 mintutes he won't let you touch him. By now he is all choked up and screaming I ...WANT ...TO ...GO ...TO ...L's ...PRESCHOOL, like I don't under stand him even though I have said over and over I know you want... and I am trying to explain why he can't go. Then he comes over and will let you hold him. He will try to flail around, but I generally tell him he can't sit with me if he is kicking. After a few minutes he calms down and things get back to normal.
I just used this as an example of the amplitude of his meltdowns, this one was easily avoided and I was a little PO'ed at the old lady for dumping that in my lap as well as putting him thru that.
[quote="Phred"]Is a violent (head banging...) tantrum the same as say a sad reaction/crying. My son seems to be gradually moving to less physical tantrums. I wondered if this is a spectrum thing with violent tantrums on one end and sobbing on the other. Either way it seems avoiding them involves the same approaches, but as it gets closer to the mellow side I wonder about spoiling them [/quote]Hi Phred (or is it Tom.... can I CALL you Tom?
)
Sorry for the delay. I haven't been on here in a long time and I overlooked this because it was buried under about 6 pages of posts.
I think the variation in violence depends on 2 things:
1) If the child realizes that the violent behavior is frowned upon or makes things worse, he may learn to curb it so that he can more easily work his way toward peace and stability rather than start more trouble. He may suppress the physical outburst but the feelings will still boil over into crying or yelling, as these bodily reactions are much more difficult to hold back (and sometimes shouldn't be held back). Probably the higher functioning the child is, the more aware he is of how people are reacting to him.
2) Some people, autistic or not, are just more outward than others. Even with NTs you've got your guys who would just as soon fight you as look at you, and then you have your analysts who can beat you with words, you've got your silent troublemakers, and then your all-around passive people (or you can just remember Gary's speech at the end of Team America
). Anyway, I think the severity of the outburst can simply have a lot to do with the child's natural disposition, which is actually independent from the autism itself.
But the underlying feeling is pretty much the same. It's a panic resulting from losing one's bearings on his environment, so I think it should probably be treated the same way no matter how it looks. Some kids will even withdraw and hide rather than throw a fit, and they will be so gripped by panic that they won't be able to speak to you or make a sound at all.
It's a panic resulting from losing one's bearings on his environment...
[/QUOTE]
Wow--what a crystal clear description, IMO. I will remember that when our
family starts asking questions about dd's meltdowns & her withdrawal from
family gatherings. Heck, I'll even replay it in my mind when I'm confused as
to what's going on. Thanks again! You rock!
Wow, I didn't catch this post the first time around becaue we were moving that week. I am SO glad it was bumped up!
Nick, you are amazing! I definitely think you should write a book - I would stand in line to be one of the first to get it, let me tell you!
I can kind of tell when ds is having a rough day that we will eventually be headed for a meltdown. What I find strange is that once he has the meltdown and then settles down - he usually seems to feel better and has much better behavior for quite a while. After reading your post, I wonder if he then starts to calm down, figure out his environment and since he probably doesn't like these meltdowns - he works even harder to not have them happen again. Here I was thinking that he needed a release, when maybe he is even more stressed after trying furiously to not have another meltdown?
Hang on, Phred, let me go back and get something.......[quote="stickboy26"]Well my famous first words are always that I can't pretend to be inside his head,[/quote]
There. I need to just be able to enter this as an automatic pre-post disclaimer.
Anyway, I figure he is wanting to go certain directions because he wants to get a visual of how the paths through the woods are laid out. Is he the just-turned-5-year old in your sig? If so, he probaly does not have a good grasp on what the warning signs are that it is nearing time to end the walk, and his intense curiosity is unexpectedly cut short by time to leave.
How is he with numbers? If he doesn't get them at all, then this advice will be useless, but I'll give it a try anyway. If he can count, and understand how numbers go in sequence, try giving him a digital watch to wear. Tell him before you go on the walk that you have to stop at a certain time in order to return home before the bugs come out. Remind him several times to look at his watch while you are out, and remind him what time means leave (Get practice now before the days start getting progressively shorter
). If he can learn to tell time and understand how the watch counts, it might help him to anticipate changes. I don't even know if he does numbers at all, but by the time I was in kindergarten, telling time was helping me greatly in the way of anticipating when things were going to start and stop. This is an interesting post, but I don't see where you discussed meltdowns. I can see where when you shut down that is painful for you to deal with, and difficult for those around you that don't understand what is happening, but it's the complete opposite response to what a meltdown is.
I think you're right in that it's not possible to control the behavior, and no child should be punished for a meltdown.
I feel physical and emotional pain when my son has a meltdown, and I've never thought of punishing him for having a meltdown. My thoughts have always been to help calm him down without further injury, and to then try to understand why the meltdown started.
I would describe a meltdown as a monster tantrum, which is almost impossible to stop. My son is so out of control of his decisions by the time he has reached a meltdown, that he will bang his head with force into a window, or bang his head on a concrete floor and will not physicaly feel the pain. He will scream, bite, throw, hit, head bang and have no concept he is hurting himself or any one in his way.
He rarely has meltdowns any more, but that's because we are very aware of what triggers them, and have the ability to redirect him, and we have emergency medication that helps calm him down very quickly.
People often use the word meltdown, in situations where it's something much milder, and dilutes what a true meltdown is. If you've seen a child have a major meltdown, where they're either going to injury themselves or someone close by, you won't have to ask if it's a meltdown, it's very obvoius.
Nick, I think you're a genius! Truly. You have an incredible amount of self-
awareness and insight into what drives you as a human being. You have an
enviable ability to communicate all this wisdom through the written word. I
am so happy you found us all on this board. I'm really grateful for all your
contributions.
Thanks for the post
I had a question on my sons meltdowns. One consistent meltdown we struggle with involves turning around or ending what we are doing. For instance when we go for a walk in the woods, at some point we need to stop and turn around or at least start heading back to the house. He seems to know exactly when we are no longer going away from home and he will say "I want to go this way". This way is always farther away. Normally if I have time (or daylight) for a long walk I can make a big loop and possibly avoid the meltdown, but sometimes I have my 3 yearold with us or daylight is ending or the bugs are coming out and we have to turn back. I try to tell him multiple times (before and during the walk) that, for instance "we can walk to the field, but then we will have to turn around and go home". This does not seem to change things. His meltdowns are not too severe, last a minute or so and usually end with him coming over for a hug. I leave for most bike rides, walks or just outdoor playing knowing that ending it will be an issue, but I hope I am doing the right thing and his enjoyment of the activity is worth the stress of ending it. This all seems to get better when summer is older and he is starting to learn that we can and will take another walk/ride the next day. But living in New York we are constantly changing activities and each one seems to be a clean start. Each time he does something he likes for the first time of the season it is a huge issue. On our first cross country ski run this year we were out for over an hour and I had to carry him most of the way home. It was way too cold to keep going so I had to end it and all hell broke. I just wish there was a way to help him thru this he is getting big enough so it is hard carrying him when all else fails
Thanks for any insights - PS - love your signature
[quote="ShelleyR"]You are lovely to let us in your world~Thanks:)[/quote]No problem. It gets lonely in here, you know.
What an AWESOME post! Great info ... thank you.[quote]My son has meltdowns and sometimes hides in the bathroom at school after his outburst..I would like your opinion on what techniques he could use to self-calm? Thank you!
[/quote]
Well my famous first words are always that I can't pretend to be inside his head, but if I were hiding in the bathroom after a meltdown it would be for one of two reasons:
1) I need to be away from the people I've been around in order to calm down. These people are either causing the meltdown directly, or making it worse by forcing me to respond to them while I'm emotionally/mentally incapable.
2) I am aware of the uproar that my behavior has caused and am afraid to face my peers because I assume they are still mad at me for it. If they are, and they question me about it, it could re-ignite the meltdown -- which I want to avoid at *any* cost -- so since I can't go home, the only thing I know to do is seclude myself for as long as possible. The more time that elapses between my tantrum and my return will be more of a buffer to the other kids' memory, and maybe if I stay away long enough, they'll forget it completely or be out of the mood to talk about it by the time I return.
If #2 is the case, you may not be able to keep him from hiding at all, but to keep this from taking so long he may need at least one of his peers to earn his trust enough to believe that they will stick up for him when necessary.
If #1 is the case, then hiding may actually be his method of re-booting, which is necessary for calming down. In this case you'd probably have to ward off the meltdowns completely in order to prevent the seclusion.
Thanks so much for the very insightful description of what is feels like to be going through a "meltdown/tantrum/shutdown" it made a ton of sense to me. As a parent it is so heartbreaking, frustrating and a feeling of hopelessness of not knowing what to do when it is full blown..
You feel compelled to do something ...
Sarah will tantrum rarely..her mode of survival is to zone out and shut down which although better on my senses
You are lovely to let us in your world~Thanks:)
Thanks for your insight, Nick. What you say rings true with my experience with my son (soon 9 years old). Everybody likes to get their own way, but he's definitely not having manipulative tantrums and he doesn't really need to get his way as long as he feels understood.
He does have trouble "following other people's ideas" (as we call it), but I think that it's an issue of avoiding too many demands on him. The classroom environment is demanding on his senses, social skills, etc., so he probably feels overwhelmed when he has to do an art project following the teacher's idea (especially since he doesn't see the point of not allowing creativity). Playing with other kids is also demanding on his senses/social skills, so it's hard to follow their play-scripts -- probably especially because he has receptive language delays, it's hard for him to catch and process what they say.
So while he seemingly reacts to not getting what he wants and not getting to do what he wants to do, he is really reacting to having trouble regulating himself and his environment -- it's just that the extra demands we put on him are too much or directly interfere with directing energy towards self-regulating.
I must add that he doesn't meltdown very often anymore, and what really helped was understanding his sensory challenges and helping him manage them better.
Thanks again for taking the time to read those articles.
Here's the list of autistic strengths and weaknesses that Phred mentioned.
<quote>
Autistic Strengths reviewed for the workplace:
- At its best, autism can offer these strengths:
- strong conceptualization skill
(able to mentally model complex systems, may develop instinctive understanding of the system from this internalized model) - logical thinking
(strong skills in technical research or computer programming) - exceptional memory
- attention to detail
(can identify inconsistencies in processes or communications) - honest, straightforward
(can treat people fairly) - intense focus
- willing and able to learn great depth of information in specific field
Autistic Weaknesses reviewed for the workplace
- Even at its best, autism may still offer these weaknesses:
- sensory sensitivities
- need for sensory escapes or stimulations
- slow to recognize people or objects
(persons with prosopagnosia would be bad at security duties) - slow to verbalize
- slow to shift attention
(may need to avoid multiple responsibilities) - resists change to working procedures
- unable/unwilling to navigate office politics
(may not recognize the need for hierarchical routing of communication, instead preferring direct communication with the person having information or decision authority) - unable/unwilling to recognize or generate deceptions ("lies"), or bad at doing so
- unable/unwilling to comply with some social norms
(grooming style, clothing, desk neatness, phone protocol) - poor skill with extemporaneous speaking
- poor understanding of metaphors
(or recognizing questions as rhetorical)
<unquote>
Source: http://home.earthlink.net/~mellowtigger/conf/SquarePegs-2003 1002.html
Those workplace strengths and weaknesses ring very true for me. Too bad most places that I worked at were so put off by the weaknesses that they overlooked the strengths (which some of my more respected coworkers severely lacked, I must say).Nick:
I just want to thank you for helping me to understand why Tyler shuts down sometimes and on very rare occasions blows up.
I am guessing that he is becoming more and more comfortable with how the world spins for him and is able to accept stimuli better as he grows older.
This thread should be bumped every once in a while to just keep all of this valuble information, insight from You, GTTO, and Woodsman, the wisdom and links of Norway Mom, and the opinions of the rest of us available for newer readers.
I do not know what style of music that you enjoy playing, BUT one thing that I feel for sure is that You Rock! Thanks Again.
John[quote]I do not know what style of music that you enjoy playing, BUT one thing that I feel for sure is that You Rock! Thanks Again.
[/quote]
Thanks. my music style is pretty much anything along the rock spectrum. Anything from soft/alternative rock like All-American Rejects to the harder, metal-ish rock like Sevendust (I LOVE Sevendust and can't wait to see them in concert here on June 8!
).
I felt weird about bumping the thread because it's my own and I didn't want to seem pushy or persistent about it. I don't want to push myself on anyone or appear as though I am some sort of authority on how you should view your autistic kids. I really only ranted that stuff out because I needed to get it off my chest since I myself get misunderstood sometimes, and it was all starting to just boil out of me and I needed someone to see it and let me know they understood. But if people do want it bumped occasionally, I'll try to keep that in mind and may do so on occasion. Hopefully though, others will bump it occasionally as well because it makes me a little self conscious to do it very often.
While I have the full intent of helping anyone I can with this post, I think I'm in need of doing it today mostly because I've been on the brink for several weeks straight and I really need to get the feelings off my chest. So I'll either be helping or ranting, one or the other....
-3/3/08- OK I went and got the consolidated version of this from my writing composition, so it won't be spread all over this thread.
OK, here’s what seems like another signature characteristic of autistic kids: those massive tantrums and physical rebuttals that you see on Oprah and 20/20. What on Earth could be up with that?
Well let’s see if I can shed some light. First thing's first, keep in mind that "meltdowns" (outward tantrum-like or otherwise vicious outbursts) or more often in my case, "shutdowns" (inward withdrawal from surroundings) are extremely terrifying to the person who exhibits them because they are the direct result of the person getting disconnected or disoriented in respect to his world as he knows it.
I will try to diagram one of these "meltdowns" from my own viewpoint.
Let’s start by taking a look at my comfort zone. I basically lack, to some degree, the natural ability to cue from other people in order to determine my actions. So in order to not become disoriented or confused amid a group of people who are interacting comfortably with one another, I need to get a firm grasp on what's going on around me. This is usually accomplished by being aware of the possible outcomes of my actions in a given set of circumstances. Any "unknowns" (i.e. elements of a situation which I haven't yet taken into consideration) must be dealt with before anything else can be accomplished, because only when I am in complete knowledge of my surroundings can I proceed without fear.
When you suddenly change the plans, rules, environment, etc., you suddenly throw in a multitude of these "unknowns" simultaneously, which must then be simultaneously dealt with in order to maintain composure. I say "simultaneously" because it is often necessary to instantly make an appropriate response in order to avoid causing drama, which means the window for processing is very short -- often 2 seconds or less. At some point my mind becomes overloaded with details and goes into what amounts to a short-circuit or, in the sense of a computer, a "freeze-up." At this point I will "shut down," or basically cease to interact. I know I can no longer cope with my surroundings so I tune them out, figuring that any further reaction to them will be an incorrect or inappropriate one.
Now at this point one of three things will happen: either 1) I will process the new information within 5 or 6 seconds, respond as best I can, and use one of my scripts to save face; 2) if I cannot snap out of it within a few seconds, the other people will become disinterested and leave me be (in which case I will process the new scenario, recover, and try to rejoin the group again at that point); OR 3) someone will force the issue, and demand that I respond, not knowing that I have lost connection with my train of thought. Remember that since I have few natural social skills, the ones I exhibit are the result of careful planning, stored information, and repetition. Thus, with stored information blacked out, I am suddenly thrust into an alien world when expected to make any type of immediate outward relation to another person. Now I am forced to figure out a socially appropriate response without my mental database of scripts to draw from. When that happens my mind races so quickly that it does not grasp onto anything, and the resulting outburst you see is nothing more, and nothing less, than the frustration associated with being in a seemingly no-win situation that can't be escaped. I say "no-win" because it's basically a given that if I make a response at that point it will be an inappropriate one, and if I do not respond at all (i.e. remain in shut down mode) the party addressing me will incorrectly deduce that I am insulted or that I disapprove of what they have told me. Thus the frustration you see is usually the result of not knowing what to do and having no way to gather the needed information in time, rather than being the result of the actual thing that was said or done.
It's analogous to the girl in the horror movie who screams maniacally because the monster is about to eat her and she is backed into a corner with nowhere to run except into the monster's jaws. Only in my case, the figurative "monster" is invisible, and when I react to what is very real to me, no one else can really see or relate to it and so it appears that I am grossly overreacting to a less significant, but more visible, incident. What happens is basically the people around me displace the feeling of "lost-ness," to which I am actually reacting, to the visible situation that apparently caused the outburst. Back to the analogy, if the monster in the horror movie were not visible it might appear as though the woman were screaming because she had reached a corner, and moviegoers might similarly believe this to be an over-reaction because she could seemingly just go in a different direction. They would not realize why she was really pinned into the corner.
Once I began to realize the effect that these shutdowns and meltdowns had on other people, I began to go out of my way to find ways of avoiding them. I would be willing to bet that other autistic people, whether it be by non-compliance or over-compliance, are making a nonverbal effort to avoid this terrifying situation, especially since a person reacting to it will inevitably compound the problem by making a further environmental change (trying to "help") rather than rewinding or pausing the situation (depending on circumstances) to allow for processing.
SO WHAT CAN BE DONE?
First of all, remember that meltdowns are ten times as horrific to the person doing it than they are to the people observing it, so punishing the behavior is unnecessary. Trust me when I tell you I don't do it for attention or to force my way. The panic I feel is involuntary and simply has to be dealt with in the right manner in order to keep it from overtaking me completely.
The key thing to remember about a full-scale meltdown is that once it is in full force, it is too late to rationalize with the person concerning the issue that apparently set it off. Why? Because the reason for the panic is not what you think it is. He is not throwing a fit because he doesn't want to do what you told him. Rather, it is because he has become disoriented and lost in all of the sensory input. As a result, he cannot resolve the fact that you appear dissatisfied with what he is currently doing. So seeing no other recourse, he becomes gripped with anxiety, panics, and melts down -- and will not be able to regain composure until he can figuratively get his feet back on solid ground. That means that if you try and resolve the situation by punishing him, scolding him, or forcing him through the task you've given him, you're only going to make him progressively more frantic because all he is going to see is that you are becoming progressively more displeased. The person has to first calm down before anything else can happen. The fit has to literally de-escalate in the reverse order in which it happened. In other words, if the meltdown happened in this order:
change in plans--->question/resistance-->zone out-->tantrum
then it can only de-escalate as such:
tantrum--->zone out-->question/resistance-->change in plans
In other words, if I'm having a meltdown, I must first CALM DOWN. Nothing is rational during a full meltdown, so don't even try. Hold me, rock me, reassure me, lock me in a padded room, whatever, but don't ask anything else of my mind -- at this point it just does not exist.
Once I calm down, now the tricky part -- where did the problem begin? I have to re-trace my steps to that point and re-boot. This is where so many people make the mistake of displacing the problem. In order to continue from where I was before the situation got ugly, I have to go back to the point NOT immediately prior to the outward meltdown, but rather, back to the point at which I first showed trouble. This point is usually marked by a question or a look of utter confusion or exasperation. It's vitally important to re-trace steps. If I can accomplish this (it can be done more quickly with the help of at least one patient or un-offended person), then all I have to do is re-compute, which means going back to the process described at the beginning of this chapter -- I re-assess my circumstances and once again become aware of the possible outcomes of my actions in this new set of circumstances. Once I have done this I will be functional once again, and will do well if all memory of the past few minutes is erased as completely as possible. Any references to my previous behavior will put further doubt into my mind as to my level of acceptance and cause me to be much more reserved (in essence prolonging the shut down period), which means keeping me on edge and thus much less fun to be around.
So to make a long story shorter, if you don't want the meltdowns to happen, you must prevent the panic and frustration from erupting in the first place. Eruption can usually be avoided by recognizing the warning signs:
*Sudden and dramatic increase in stimming behavior (caused by a sudden feeling of alarm or panic)
*Zoning out (can be misconstrued as refusal to comply)
*Asking analytical questions when a change of plans or sudden command is issued (can be misconstrued as arguing or back-talking)
*Muttering to oneself (this is a means of "thinking out loud." Think of it as a sort of an auditory stim, and a means of getting one's bearings in an emotional sense. Parents -- if you can't understand what he's saying, don't assume it's personal and call him out on it. You'll pull the trigger.
If you observe these signs it can help matters if you'll give some time for processing. I know a lot of parents want immediate compliance, but sometimes this is beyond our emotional threshold. I always found that it helped me considerably if I was told way ahead of time if there was a big "to-do" coming up, and periodically reminded about it. Predictability can do wonders. I got better when I learned to tell time. I wore a watch around from the time I was in first grade, and even before that, I consistently used a clock as my guide. As long as I could predict when things were going to happen, it was easier to plan my perseverations in accordance. Often my mom would warn me 30 minutes to an hour in advance of mealtime, bath time, and bedtime, especially if the planned times deviated from the norm. Because of this, I think it would help any autistic person if they are given a watch as soon as they are able to comprehend numbers. Once they learn how to tell time, their watch will be a valuable tool in preventing the meltdowns that happen because of predictable or routine events. That will free up the parent to deal only with the more spontaneous events, and it will allow the child more time to focus on them as well.
I never really resented doing as I was told, but sometimes a sudden command went completely against my mental script for the day, so doing it required a new script, which usually took some time to formulate. In short, a person who is exhibiting the aforementioned warning signals is telling you that some down time is needed and should be allowed.
Let me say, at this point, that I noticed when I worked with preschoolers that some kids, especially those on the low end of the spectrum, tend to seemingly go into meltdown instantly, without the warning signs, and I think it may be that they have not yet developed the mental lines of defense that, in my case, came from wanting to please others and realizing that outward tantrums accomplished just the opposite.
Now mind you, I'm not saying that your child should be allowed to not obey in order to avoid meltdowns. What I'm saying is, see if you can get to the root of why a particular command set the person off. Rest assured that there is a deeper reason than him just not wanting to comply, and it probably has something to do with him not being able to process the amount of information that was thrust upon him at once -- but more on that later.
Some people mention their children hiding in bedrooms, closets, bathrooms, etc. either during or after having meltdowns. Although all autistics are different and I can’t speak for all of them, I know that if I were hiding in a secluded area after a meltdown it would be for one of two reasons:
1) I need to be away from the people I've been around in order to calm down. These people are either causing the meltdown directly, or making it worse by forcing me to respond to them while I'm emotionally/mentally incapacitated.
2) I am aware of the uproar that my behavior has caused and am afraid to face my peers because I assume they are still mad at me for it. If they are, and they question me about it, it could re-ignite the meltdown -- which I want to avoid at any cost -- so since I can't go out there, the only thing I know to do is seclude myself for as long as possible. The more time that elapses between my tantrum and my return will be more of a buffer to the other kids' memory, and maybe if I stay away long enough, they'll forget it completely or be out of the mood to talk about it by the time I return.
In the case of Scenario #2, the child has begun to realize that his actions are not appropriate. He is also realizing that he does not know how to control the behavior. This is where self image begins to come in and it can be a breeding ground for anxiety and depression. If the person is beginning to hide himself from others, the first and foremost thing to do is give him his space. When he does come back (and he will), make sure he knows that he is still accepted. You can always address the thing that initially upset him at a later time. Just remember that he is having as much trouble coping with this as you are, and the last thing you want is for him to begin to feel like he is expendable or unwanted.
Now, before I go any further, I know I am inevitably going to encounter a critic such as this one I got on an autism message board:
“This is... interesting..., but I don't see where you discussed meltdowns. I can see where when you shut down that is painful for you to deal with, and difficult for those around you that don't understand what is happening, but it's the complete opposite response to what a meltdown is...
I would describe a meltdown as a monster tantrum, which is almost impossible to stop. My son is so out of control of his decisions by the time he has reached a meltdown, that he will bang his head with force into a window, or bang his head on a concrete floor and will not physically feel the pain. He will scream, bite, throw, hit, head bang and have no concept he is hurting himself or any one in his way...
People often use the word meltdown, in situations where it's something much milder, and dilutes what a true meltdown is. If you've seen a child have a major meltdown, where they're either going to injure themselves or someone close by, you won't have to ask if it's a meltdown, it's very obvious.”
OK. While this is a very understandable viewpoint from someone whose child has the more violent type reactions, I must make one point very clear, because this is important to know:
Meltdown, or basically full-scale panic, is where all the feelings that I described are pushed beyond the capacity for reasonable thought, and it all boils over into what is usually described as a tantrum. The often unheeded "shut down" or "zone out" phases are often a prequel to this, and are usually the last line of defense, which is all too often shattered by a further stimulus, thus pulling the trigger.
I think at this point that I have adequately described the lack of environmental awareness and responsiveness, as well as the outburst itself. I think what many people don’t immediately catch is how the shutting down, zoning out, and "backtalking" (which I described in much lengthier detail) can factor into and lead up to the more visible outward tantrum or outburst.
Once the person's emotions have boiled over, and he is in full-scale panic, the only thing you can do is freeze frame the situation and allow it to pass. You can't actually communicate with your child when he is in this condition. Once he comes out of it he will revert back to the shut down stage, which is where you can begin to bring him (or he can begin to bring himself) back to earth.
As I said (and I'm not assuming that any particular kid applies here) some kids on the very low end of the spectrum seemed to go off into meltdown immediately without showing any cognitive warning signs at all. Regardless of why this occurs, I am fairly certain that these sudd