Thanks for all your great advice. We do keep a pretty regimented schedule, but it being summer, things get off track. This is one of our main problems right now.
Also, I have had some health issues lately. I have spent too much time away from her and too much time taking shortcuts. Today I stupidly let her play the video game. I just wanted to lay down for a bit. This was a huge mistake. It always gets her so upset.
Praise does wonders for Jo. We have a whole collection of ribbons that say different things like, "You Did It!" and "Way To Go!" that we give her for accomplishments. When she gets frustrated at a task, we remind her that she might get a ribbon and she gets excited and tries her best. She displays them proudly in her room and always drags visiters in there to show them off.
Kristi
I push, and yet like Michelle said, i also pick my battles. I think setting realistic goals is one of the things that has help Connor progress so well. It's important when teaching a new skill to remain positive, if you get frustrated, the child will pick up on it and not only feel that they failed themselves but you also. we use the principles of ABA, we do alot of hand over hand at first and praise the heck out of him for every attempt. consistancy and routine are essential for alot of our kids, they respond better to structure. we use egg timers and countdowns on a regular basis, but when that timer goes off, you must be prepared to follow thru on the process of moving to the next thing. when Connor started a ABA program provided by an outside sourse, they were amazed how well he transitioned and stayed on task, in the few times where he tried to bolt from the table, i calmly brought him back ( although he wasn't calm) the consultant commented on how many parents won't do this because the child is screaming and crying, i commented to her" you should of seen the way he would scream and cry when he couldn't communicate" It's so hard to break into their world and pull them into ours, but in the end, everyone is better off because of it.
Just today, he was throwing sand out of the sand box, i told him to stop, which he did and then said to me , "good listening HUH?" it was a riot but it told me that when we praise him , even for the littlest thing, he's listening and it MEANS something to him.
Im not exactly what sorts of things you are refering to pushing with...... but I say pick your battles and pick them wisely! Example if picking up toys is upsetting them make it a set time each day or night that they pick up their toys. Making it a predictable part of their daily schedule will usually help them transition.
We have a morning routine we follow every morning. I made a little picture and hung it by his door. We also have one for every evening bed time / shower thing. This way he knows what needs done and what to expect next. It makes him feel like he is in control.
What I would suggest is trying to keep track for a wek or so of what your schedule usually is. watch what routine he has when he gets up in the morning. Does he wake up, eat breakfast then get dressed? or does he wake up get dressed then eat? When does he wash his face rush his teeth have him hair combed? Once you determine the order he likes make it ypur morning routine schedule. DO the same for evening bath and bed time... Do you read a book and then take a bath and then get right in bed or do you take a bath, eat dinner play a board game and go to bed? Etc......... Its something he does anyhow but now its posted where he can see it and follow his schedule. THIS will prepare him for other events because it will teach trust in you and some predictability to lessen anxiety and frustration.
NOW take a look at the days is he home with you? Does he go to school or daycare? Is there a certain thing you do like story hour at the library every Thursday evening at 7PM or grocery store ever friday morning at 10 AM etc.... Do you go to the park everyday after lunch?
Make a little afternoon schedule if possible. I would suggest a large write on wipe off board if possible,.. but if not even take a sheet of printer paper ,..... draw the 7 days of the week across the top in blocks with colums coming down and then make time slots down the one side. YES they may be too little to tell time with a clock but many of these kids have INTERNAL CLOCKS and just "know" what time it is. I would also write the time with a clock face and with a digital time so if they look at it they might pick it up (you never know what they are memorizing). Once you make it have it laminated.
On the board or paper decide what works for you. write in lunch and be consistent to have it always as close to the same time everyday. Write in church every Sunday, or whatever your usual things are. Then you can put in when their favorite TV time is, nap time (IF THEY NAP LOL) and all the usual things you do. This is where KNOWING their usual paterns of behavior helps. If you have OT every Tuesday and Thursday from 12 - 2 write it in Speech every Wed and Friday from 1 - 3 and so on.....
Finally look at the schedule and make a time every day or every other day to teach new things like tying shoes, or writing their name etc. Try to pick a time when they are generally happy and relaxed and NOT a time when they will be anxious to hurry to go do their favorite activity or something like that. Be VERY consistent. Offer LOTS of praise and small rewards from huigs to favorite snacks or an extra trip outside to play. NEVER take away something thats scheduled as discipline.
Hopefully if they have something predictable to follow for a "learning time" they will be more apt to comply and you wont have to push as hard. Start short and work your way up from there. When I started with my son we would ask him to sit in chair at the "work table" as soon as he sat (screaming and all) we clapped our hands and praised him! Then he was allowed to run off and calm himself down from his near meltdown..... then he was brought back to do a puzzle and after only ptting 1 piece in again he was allowed off to clam down... gradually we increased it to even longer periods. TIMERS worked well too I still use them when he has regression or something he simply refuses to do. Decide how long you feel they can handle it BEFORE they lose it. 5 minutes? 1 Minute? 10 seconds WHATEVER it is SERIOUSLY! Set a timer or stop watch (perferably a timer he can see) and say we will do this puzzle until the timer beeps... if you notice them about to lose it and time is left quickly clear the time set it for one sec and let it beep to praise them and say ALL DONE! The idea isnt to make them sit but to teach them to be patient and work through it. again gradually time can be increased but many times with these kids you can teach them to trust you by staying consistent with it and then they are less likely to resist you when you ask them to try something. Try 3 times and you're all done is the same as work on it for 2 minutes. Etc. It will help in many other areas too.... first this then that........ like first write your name THEN I will read a book.... but MOST IMPORTANT REMAIN CONSISTENT AND USE ALOT OF POSITIVE PRAISE AND SMALL REWARDS!
I hope this helps Your child might be resisting you because you are interrupting their usual routine (even if its to sit in bed for 10 minutes before they climb out) and you may not even know it and something that simple could set them off and ruin the day!
Definately pick your battles!! LOL I don't think its worth the stress and misery to the both of you to push for every little thing. Hey, there's always velcro shoes! Or the slip on ones. Maybe if you let her know that you understand it's hard for her and you will love her unconditionally, even if she NEVER learns to tie those shoes (or whatever else you're dealing with) and you will be there for her no matter what, you can keep her trust better. She may be feeling that since she can't do all the things you want her to, you feel less for her? My oldest (6, aspie) gets like that. If he can't do something (or does something he is NOT supposed to) and I get upset, he thinks I've stopped loving him!! He get so very over emotional and we have to have a long cuddle and talk about his feelings and why he doesn't have to feel that way, etc... You just never know how the day will go with "our" kids...
Good luck and hang in there!
Rachelle
My boys don't have the understanding yet, or at least the verbal capacity to say "Understand me" but i know what you mean about starting over every morning. I feel the same way, and it is so hard because you never know what you might do or say that will make the entire day an escapade. I feel very helpless with it a lot of the time. Something that works one day may NOT work at all the next. It is like walking a tightrope every second of life.