Ahhh ... LI is very expensive to live. And I do believe a legal separation is the way to go in NY if you can. If you are separated for a year (I think?), you can easily divorce without having to file for a "reason."
I know how you feel, I really do. It's overwhelming!
Yes, LI is VERY expensive - to the point of ridiculous! I want to make some money first before I begin actual legal separation papers. My husband is constantly trying to make me change my mind and give him "one last chance" - but I did that already when we separated back in December - and HE BLEW IT! I can't understand why he wants another one! He actually puts words in my mouth saying "just tell me that there is a glimmer of hope" for us...when I never, ever said that. I tell him that it would take a miracle to save this marriage and that I am no longer interested in this relationship. We made up our "house rules" today - much better rules than last time too - I'm VERY happy with it.
I'm just the type who likes to be prepared....very prepared, and I know I'll need some money set aside if I go ahead with this. I can't afford any surprises, and I have no one to lean on (financially).
Patty
Sera makes a good point! My child support with ex was not done that way, and he pays when he feels like it, or when there is an upcoming visitation.
I've recently gone back to enforcement to have that changed. He can deal with them from now on.
Thanks everyone.
Could those of you who posted please spell out the abbreviations for DOR (Dept of ?) and CSHCS? Thanks.
And my kids and I do "reside in a house on a quiet street in a nice neighborhood", but it's SO EXPENSIVE to live here in NY...I doubt I'll make it. My lawyer told me that I would keep the house, esp since I received money when my mom passed (two years ago) but threw it into buying her house (from my siblings). (In other words, the house is mostly mine anyway.)
I'm curious about SSI. Do they consider what your income is, or is it simply based on a certain amount for each child?
My parents are both gone. I have one sister who is already living with another. I absolutely must do this alone - I have no one else to lean on.
It's really horrible...but I actually have to add this up and weigh it out. I don't trust my lawyer....I'll wind up paying him K just to get 0 a month? I MUST be GUARANTEED of that 00 child support/alimony - or I won't even bother, because I won't make it.
My husband is a constant reminder of my pain (that he's caused)...and I just don't want to live with that anymore...but I might have to, and that's just UNFAIR.
(I have to prep for my son's upcoming CSE meeting for his fall placement, and now I have this on my mind too....someone shoot me.)
Patty
If you don't trust your lawyer....keep looking ! THere are wonderful lawyers out there who DO care about their clients and the children....I interviewed about 8....'til I found one that didn't FIRST ask me how much money I could give for a retainer.....gggrr......one told me I couldn;t hire her 'til I cashed out my 401K to give her aas retainer......the lawyer I used has allowed me to pay her as I could.....no hassle, no nothing. And yup.....final bill was about $ 7,000.....
Was it worth it ?? Not sure.....I do know, however, I was too emotionally distraught to have handled it myself. I am awaiting a court date now to revisit child support and hopefully increase.....and I'm (gulp) gonna try it without the lawyer.......
DOR = Department of Revenue.....and YES to whoever said get it done NOW so that you don't have to go back to court later and do it.....
As far as the house goes....there are options.....you can "buy" him out.....meaning he gets his half.....OR......you can say that you need to stay there and can't afford to buy him out......he has to wait 'til the kids are legal age...and THEN you will sell and give him half.....OR settle on smaller amount NOW so that he can have SOMEHTING but still leaves you with equity in house.....
Best of luck to you....take it one day at a time.....and vent away when you need to.....
I'm in the middle of a divorce right now, so first let me extend mySingle mom of 2 here, but not legally divorced yet. My lawyer actually suggested that I take my time with this, as I will lose my health insurance upon the divorce. Our separation is going well (he's out of the country) so I am going to let him start the proceedings. Seeing that he is a procrastinator, I don't have to worry about it happening right away. It's nice that it buys me some time to find a part time job, insurance, daycare, etc. My lawyer basically said that I couldn't afford to be divorced at this point in my kids' lives. Legal separation is the best choice for me right now. Maybe you could look into that?
Where in NY do you live? I live in upstate NY, which still has all the benefits of the laws relating to autism services, but it is inexpensive to buy a home here. And it's really beautiful ... quiet, small town atmosphere. Honestly, I wouldn't want to live anywhere else.
I live on Long Island. Believe me, I'd LOVE to go to the mountains....someday. My kids are getting good services here, so uprooting them now is something I don't want to do.
My lawyer had told me that getting a legal separation is nearly the same as a divorce - just that you are still married. You live apart, child support/alimony, custody in place, etc. So, I don't see the benefit of legal separation as opposed to divorce (except maybe for health insurance reasons).
I'm really confused, and I KNOW I'm depressed. I almost can't continue to think about this until my son's CSE meeting is done, you know?
Patty
I'm a single mom of 1. I work part time and go to school part time, right now I'm taking pre-requisite courses so that I can apply to a nursing program. I hope that I can get a better job than what I have now.
Hey, single mom of 3.....it does stink and it is really hard.....but for ME and MY situation.....I am better off single. I tried EVRYTHING to make my marriage work, but it could never be.
My advice is to shop around for a good attorney. I live in Mass. and my understanding when I went through it all was that the kids should expect to have the same "level" of life.....if they reside in a house on a quiet street in nice neigborhood.....that WILL NOT be taken from them. IF things are already struggling for you and you have a small apartment, then they could expect that same quality.
Child Support is determined on a few things.....how much HE earns, how much YOU earned while together and BOTH of your seperate living expenses. Did you work while you were together ?
Child supoort is tax free money to you.....where as alimoney must be reported on your tax returns.....if possible.....try to specify all income from ex as CHILD SUPPORT....NOT.....alimoney......there are a lot of other things to consider....health insurance & copays, who claims the kids on taxes.....my ex claims TWO of the three.....BUT.....if he is deliquinet in any payments to me....I claim all three of them and can expect a nice refund. I HIGHLY recommned getting your states DOR involved so that all of your money will be deducted directly form his paycheck, sent to DOR and sent right to you via wire transfer to bank account. My ex was ALWAYS late......this elimantes that.....
I probably will post more with more thoughts....hugs to you.....it isn't easy.....PM me if you want......
Single mom of 3, working full time. I live in an area where home costs and rents are very reasonable, so I was able to buy a house all on my own in November of 2005. It's small, but in a terrific neighborhood.
Between my salary (which is ok - not great, but ok for someone without a college education) and my child support, I can pay the bills and put food on the table. I don't have money for extra very often, but I'm making it.
Nicky will be in school full time come September, which will help quite a bit in cutting down on childcare.
Go to the internet and look up child support calculator for (your state). You should be able to get a fairly accurate idea of what you will be getting, as the guidelines are quite clear.
I get the state health insurance for my boys, which is only each per child, as adding them to my insurance at work would be astronomical! All doctors and prescriptions are covered, and all Nick's surgery was covered 100%.
It's tough sometimes ... I'm not going to lie about that. But I am SOOOO much happier then I was living with a man like my ex.
I am a single mother in california and it is hard. . .you have to be poor to get help and poor to get off of help. I work part time get inhome supportive services for my son and SSI. I am going to school part time right now getting all A's!!!!!
I hate my job but it is good paying for part time. . .in a year I will be a credentialed special education teacher. . .we struggle we are suppose to start some services with the school district today at 8am its 2:41 and he is pitching everything on the floor. . . .there may be a baseball career in his future
I know the feeling. I am actually better off not working right now - which is why I decided to go back to school. There is some help you can qualify for - but not a lot. Do the research, talk to everyone you can. Call people, ask for them to point you in the direction of help. Contact your local family social services office and see what if anything you could qualify for. I am going through a divorce right now - at the moment the soon to be ex pays nothing. Just qualified my son for medicaid, and CSHCS, so essentially no out of pocket medical expenses. I just got SSI approved - 650 a month - and I get food stamps, utility bill allowance, my schooling paid for through a federal pell grant and I am also going to take out student loans to help with living expenses while I am in school. I am also trying to get temporary spousal support (in my state there is no such thing as "alimony" and spousal support is RARELY granted - keep your fingers crossed for me). I wont lie, it's tight, very tight, but it had to happen. There was no fixing the marriage, and I didn't want my son growing up with memories of the fighting. You can also find out if you have local support organizations - in my town there is a sort of co-op of some local churches and businesses that help with a lot of simpler things - gas vouchers to take my son to therapies, oil changes and stuff for my car, help with schooling including my internet bill since I am schooling online....because I may become one too.
My husband and I have separated (again - but not legally). I am seriously contemplating a divorce down the road. I've consulted with a lawyer and I tend not to believe that I will get as much financial support as he says I will (alimony plus child support - 00/mth). He said that the judge has to "give him enough money to live". So, what does that mean? Instead of 00 I'd get 0?? That will never cut it! I must get the maximum!
Are there any other benefits given to single moms of special needs kids? Does it vary where you live, or am I just dreaming??? What is it like? Can you actually make it? I could only work when my kids are in school, so that means I'd have to work for the school....but it would never be enough. I couldn't hire a babysitter in order for me to work more, because it would cost more to pay her than I would actually earn!!
My head is spinning, and I truly think I am stuck with him. I'm just wondering if I can make it on my own....
Patty
I live in WA state and I make 8.50 an hour and receive no child support. I qualify for nothing, to my knowledge. Well, I could get nearly free daycare and about worth of food we're allergic to, if I wanted to lose of work carting my son to WIC appointments so they can tell me all kinds of stuff I already know.
We're ok though. It's just not easy.
Hi, Single grandma of 3 here. I also earn very little. The state pays for daycare which is a good thing as the cost is more than twice of what I earn. I think most states have this program for people living below the poverty level. Contact your local dept of human services. We also go to food pantrys and free clothing or goodwill shops for any clothing needs. It is a struggle, that's for sure. you can always apply for ssi, for your child, at your local social security office. There doesn't seem to be any one formula for that, as it has been discussed on this board many times. We don't do wic either. I agree, too time consuming for the amount of help you get. Good luck to you. [QUOTE=hamnpook]
I'm just the type who likes to be prepared....very prepared, and I know I'll need some money set aside if I go ahead with this. I can't afford any surprises, and I have no one to lean on (financially).
Patty
[/QUOTE]
Patty - what you should start doing right now, is making copies of things. Credit card statements, bank statements, tax returns, mortgage, deed, everything and anything you can, and giving them to someone you trust to hang on to. If your husband decides to get angry and start running up your credit cards or draining your accounts, you have proof of what was there.
Copy birth certificates and SS cards too. If you don't have your own account, set one up now. Get some things in your own name, without his on it, to establish yourself. If will make it easier on you when you are ready to go.
Hello Patty,
I am in a similar situation. Is it better to stay and put up with someone I am beginning to suspect is just not a good person or split up and subject my child to financial hardship and less mommy time?
My husband is angry. He started asking 'why do I have to have an autistic child' a couple of weeks ago. Recently it changed to 'why did you give me an autistic child' and morphed to 'it's your fault I have an autistic child' last night. He refuses to educate himself about autisim, relying on me for information, but when I tell him things, he argues with me or refuses to believe it.
He called this morning to tell me he was going to seek therapy, but never did apologize. He has been to therapy before and always finds excuses not to cooperate or continue, so I don't have much hope.
If I leave, I will have to make a major move (we are overseas) and have no family (at least that can be of help) to go to. I also have two teenagers and no degree. I will get child support, which might cover rent but don't know how I can provide for my children without working all the time which will hurt all of them in terms of being mothered. I don't even know where to move, services are so unevenly scattered. The basic rule of thumb seems to be if I can't afford to live there, the services are great.
I have been toying with the idea of trying to get a domestic job in a wealthy area and using the address to receive care (with my employers permission, of course). Or just going completely on the 'dole' and finishing my degree. Neither prospect seems very realistic.
Thanks for the opportunity to discuss this. I don't want to talk to my friends about this because I am embarrased to be married to such a person. Plus, I hate pity. Besides, their husbands are his co-workers and I don't want anything to jeopardize his job. It seems to be the only thing that makes him happy.
Lisa