I just wanted to say that I agree with all the above.... I too am a "step"Mother, but my 16 y/o "step"Daughter isn't autistic, but BOY did she test me when I came into her life when she was 4 y/o. She was/is the light of her Daddy's life, & if I wanted to be part of his life, I had to deal with her...I too stepped back & just let her be. I wanted to show her that I wasn't trying to "take her Daddy away" or "take her Mommy's place". She tested me for a FEW yrs,LOL...but now we're as close as a Mother & Daughter could be!! I don't even like to call her my "step" Daughter...It just SOUNDS cold to me, & that's NOT how we are to eachother.
As for my 9 y/o Autistic Son...LOL...HE tested me too, they ALL do...but autistic people learn DIFFERENTLY than "normal" people do. He had/has alot to deal with, so I'm more patient now than I've been in my entire adult life! My oldest Daughter (24 y/o) says that my "step"Daughter & my Son are lucky, because I'm alot more patient with THEM than I was with HER....But I was a child raising a child... WHOLE different story..... anyway, be patient.....be loving as I'm sure you ARE....
GOOD LUCK!
God Bless you all & keep you all safe!
Linda...aka Tony'sMom...aka MWN64
Wornout...
Anne
Hi Anne~
I feel compelled to answer...my first and foremost suggestion is to read all you can. As you'll begin to notice, these mothers (& some dad's too!) here have the patience of saints. In my book, that's the most critical quality to have. You simply cannot expect these kids to do as well on a 'normal' schedule of development as others...they're all different. Some things are just too difficult for them...
My son is 8 1/2, and while he tried to dress himself for many years, it wasn't until 2 years ago that he could actually do it...we encouraged, helped if he started to get TOO frustrated...but because of poor muscle tone, poor coordination, and simply not understanding, it was harder for him then our other two, who dressed themselves by 3-4. Riley still can't button or snap, doesn't have the fine motor...we just keep working on it. He just learned to put on shoes last year. He didn't do it to be a 'bad kid' it's just hard for him...getting upset with him wouldn't have helped at all.
Please don't be impatient with Sam...things may just be more difficult for him. His listening is another thing, requires patience, it also requires consistency and discipline, but patience more than anything. He's young, there's no telling what the future brings, but he sounds young enough that maybe he hasn't had the added help of therapy yet...it might make a difference for him...but it takes time.
I too am a step-mother...my step-son is now 17, and I love him like he's my own. I've known him since he was 8 months old...but stepped back in the beginning to let his dad set the rules, to let him get accustomed to me...he's not my son, he already had a mother, and it wasn't my place. I had the opposite end of the deal growing up...an evil-step-mother (really the most horrible kind of woman you could imagine)....I swore I would never be that...and the result was now I have the most wonderful relationship with Jake, who I love dearly, who trusts me completely. We too have had custody since he was about 5, but he was with us the majority of time anyway. I understand it's a little diff't, he's NT, but it's a relationship that had to be built over time never-the-less.
You're dealing with a very difficult situation, and I'm sure it's hard for Sam's dad too....he needs you to be supportive, not fight him, make your points, but don't interfere. Obviously every situation is diff't, and I don't know neccessarily where you're butting heads...I'm sure it's hard for you too, but you have to want to be invested, and if you are, you could quite possibly make a huge difference in his life.
Again, knowledge is power, and once you start to understand how difficult things are for some of these kids, you'll understand that there are issues to fight over and there are issues that you decide 'we need to work on this'...
Good luck to you and to Sam and Sam's dad!
~Lesley
Mom to
Riley-8, DSI, CVS (Autism dx pending); Josh, 12 NT; and Jake 17 NT
First of all, what is Sam's functioning level? Does he talk, if not how does he communicate? Does he follow any directions? Is he able to imitate actions? The abilities of children with autism vary widely, there is no set "normal" for autism. And the abilities of "normal" 3 year olds will also vary widely.
As Tabitha pointed out, sometimes it is difficult when children are so young, to distinguish typical 3 year old behavior from autistic behavior. However, a typical 3 year old should be able to follow a 2 step command such as "Go get your shoes and bring them to me." But, most children with autism have problems with processing language in their brains, so when you tell a child with autism "Go get your shoes", and he doesn't do it, it's not because he is disobedient, but because he can't process the language in his brain.
You ask, "is it normal to expect him to pull up his pants?" Well, most typical 3 year olds can pull up their pants, but many will still need help, and many will get distracted while doing so and need a lot of prompting. And whether or not a 3 year old with autism will be able to pull up his pants will depend upon the severity of their autism. Also, some children with autism have physical difficulties as well.
I think the best thing for you to do would be to get advice from someone who knows Sam, and who is knowledgable about autism. I assume that Sam is receiving some services from the school or some sort of therapy. Talk to Sam's teacher, speech therapist, occupational therapist, etc. to get an idea of how Sam compares to other children his age. Ask them what specific problems they think Sam has, and what they believe he needs to work on. They can probably give you an idea of how much to push Sam, and when you need to back off.
As far as discipline goes, often with children with autism it is better to praise the positive, and ignore the negative. Although, obviously some negatives can't be ignored. Time out doesn't work with children with autism often because they like being able to escape a difficult situation. Also, children with autism don't have the same social instincts that typical children have. The reason time out works with typical children is because they feel bad about not being able to be with the rest of the family. Children with autism may not feel bad at all about not being with the family, but may be just as happy to be alone.
This is a link to an article called Discipline and the Child with Autism http://autism.about.com/cs/behavorialissues/a/discipline.htm
The article is on the about.com site, which has many very good articles on autism that will help you to understand more about it. Just look at the links on the left hand side of the page.
Big Hugs crzy4prple! I think its great you took the time to listen and even changed your opinion and plan to change your style of dealing w/ Sam...Its hard to be a stepmom...I'm one too to two wonderful kids who are now teens 18+19 but came to live w/ me at 6+7...they are NT, but were SHY SHY SHY (course those days are long gone LOL)...it just took lots of patience, lots of love and me trying to put myself in their place...being in a home w/ my dad and not my mom would have been difficult...I let daddy set rules and I would be the buffer and eventually all worked out, they are both so well balanced kids and they adore their little brother, my Nicholas who is 4 1/2 and dx w/ pdd/nos, and he loves them (he's spoiled by all four of us LOL)...
I think you will learn, as we all did, with time how to best help Sam thrive...and keeping in mind that he can not help his behaviors and even the smallest acheivements are huge for children w/ ASD...its a challanging road ahead hon, but filled with such blessings and as time goes on I'm sure you'll see what I'm talking about...
My son can pull up his pants, but sometimes I have to prompt him or remind him to keep him focused, he may be thinking instead of the video he wants to get back to or the drink he wants to get in the fridge and not about pulling his pants up the rest of the way, that's when I'll remind him...some kids can not dress themselves, but keep trying to help and keep him progressing as much as he can w/out stressing the both of you out...you'll eventually be able to tell most of the time if its something he can do or he's just being a typical toddler, and then you can pick and choose the your battles...but until then I highly recommend you read as much as you can, talk to people, ask us questions even specific things you aren't sure about and watch him, what pleases him, what aggitates him, work with what you have...
best of luck! (Is he in any therapy? Maybe you could sit in on a few sessions!)
take care!
Ali
Anne,
Other than agreeing with the others here I just wanted to say WELCOME to the board. I have a 3 year old with Pdd-nos. It's good to see that you care enough to ask questions and seem to want to learn about this child. Good luck and feel free to ask questions anytime. That's what the board is here for. Take care and keep us posted!!
Karrie