Hi Danielle and welcome...
I'm glad that you are concerned about these two boys and want to learn how to help care for them. I think its really wonderful you care and want the best for their needs! I can only offer what I know from my own experience as a mom of a 4 1/2 year old boy w/ pdd/nos and who is just becoming verbal. My son has his occasional meltdowns, but not many, although a new change in his day or a new place, such as being left in your care all day for the first time, may have actually caused the meltdowns these children went through. The parents of your nefews, though I dont' know them, and from what you say are in denial, may be dealing with it in an aluff way to you but may be really suffering inside and trying to make light of what to them is a normal day...its really hard on your end and I commend you for wanting to help...I recommend that you learn as much as you can about the Autism Spectrum...many approaches to working with and helping children like ours work well...but every child is different. Maybe ask the mom or dad to spend one day or even an hour with you all and see how they interact, you may be surprised.
My son will sometimes lie down on the floor if he doesn't want to say leave the house to go to school and its extremely difficult to move him...he is not completely verbal which makes him really frustrated when he can't explain to me what his needs are...so he may not want to leave yet because he is thirsty or hungry or wants to play w/ his toys some more...its hard to reason or explain things to children who can't tell you what's bothering them to begin with. So I will instead of adding fuel to the fire, give him a minute and then try to engage him in something he likes, like his matchbox cars and tell him you can take one to school with you ...and he will usually get up...distraction works for my guy...some kids are a little harder to coax.
I'm glad your children are really well behaved, but so are our children believe it or not...they can not help the way they react sometimes and that is the most important thing to remember. Don't get upset, just try to redirect, and if that doesn't work, just be kind and patient...I would see if they recieve any ABA therapy...(positive reinforcement...praising...etc...) and try to find out some techniques. Don't get me wrong, I don't think letting them do what ever they want all day is fine, but try to see what interests them and follow their lead for a day or two and take it from there...if they like videos, and are not picking up thier toys after they play, try to explain if they help pick up then they can watch their favorite video! Its trial and error, but its also so rewarding when you reach them and you sound like a very sweet person who I'm sure will be able to! Oh and schedules work really well for our kids...its like if they know what's coming up next they don't get so anxious about it you know?
As I said before, I'm probably not much help but I wanted to let you know I'm really happy you are trying to help, and maybe what you are seeing as bad parenting may not be soley the problem...being a parent of a child w/ ASD is really difficult, but so worth it...I feel its blessings out weigh any challanges we face and sometimes our most difficult challange is that people feel its our fault for not being more strick or being uncaring, and by no fault of their own, they just dont' know.
Anyway sorry for the long post you'll most likely get lots of great advice, I wish you all the best and offer a big hug for your efforts!
take care! (glad you found us!!)
Ali
Hi Danielle,
I just wanted to say "WELCOME TO THE BOARD"!!!!!!
I LOVE this board, & hope YOU will too. It's full of caring, informative people. Our 9 y/o Son Tony has HFA (High Functioning Autism). Please feel free to PM (personal Message) me or e-mail me, I LOVE getting BOTH!! God Bless you all & keep you all safe! Linda...aka Tony'sMom...aka MWN64
He welcome to the board. When the dad said to let him do what he wants and he will calm down where those his exact words? Or was he meaning to ignore the bad behavior? I know that with my son and a lot of these children your typical punishments do not work for them...but one thing is simular. Even with NT children doctors will tell you to ignore tantrums or meltdowns. My oldest son was NT and we needed a helmet for his tantrums because he would bang his head. They decreased once I started to ignore them. With my 3 year old that is PDD-Nos....his meltdowns and tantrums do not last as long if I ignore them. They can be upsetting to watch and deal with though. If you are going to continue to take care of these children then you need to find out exactly how to handle them. You need to make it clear to their parents that you are trying to help and need to know everything about how to properly care for them. Also I recommend doing as much research as you can about children in the spectrum because you can not compare a child on the spectrum to your as you said, "two well behaved children" Their are different strategies with these kids that you need to learn but every child is different so the information you need lies with those kids parents and it is them that you need to talk to to find out more about them. Karrie All children are different, many many children do not have the personalities to always listen and od what htey are told. Throw in any condition on top of that and it can make the child seem impossible to someone who isn't used to dealing with them. Both my husband and I have offered up the same advice about both our children (1 possible pdd-nos and 1 nt), ignore it and the behavior will stop.. why? Becuase thats one of the things that works for our children. Another thing is to allow them to make as many choices as possible. We have had complete meltdowns just about anywhere, screaming fits, beating and kicking the floor, throwing things etc. My youngest is just as much if not more then a challange of my 5 yr old possible pdd-nos child because he's even more stubborn and independant. Its very common to hear do it myself over and over in my house. Do my children listen.. sometimes, but they are typically behaved and polite children and we as parents (and many people who deal with them) have learned to pick our battles. If my son refuses to wear his coat and its 60 degrees out then thats his decision and he will (and does) learn the consequences or if he wants to ear his winter coat and its 85 degrees out and he wants to wear his coat I am not going ot fight him. We chose things like safety, manners, voice volume, and bedtime as things we are more sticky on and give more leeway and choices for other things. Instead of assuming the parents aren't doing anything to meet the needs of the child or they are in denial, it may be better to sit down and say that your having problems dealing with the child and ask for advice on how to hanlde things. If that doesn't work (and it may not children respond differently to different people and different situations) then you may have to try different strategies to see what works the best. [QUOTE=auntdanielle]Hello Sounds like the dad has accepted their behaviour. He did say that was an improvement over the last time. Now if you were expecting two very well behaved kids on the spectrum, you will never get that. That is hard to get with any kids. I know my brother and sister are twins and they were not well behaved all of the time. You said they see a mental health professional twice a week. Maybe that is all the services that are offered at this age in your area. Or maybe the parents insurance just won't pay for anything else right now. Or the kids could be on a long waiting list for additional services. It sounds like the father is accepting of the kids and their behaviour. Maybe you two have issues anyway. Or maybe the family is not willing to accept a pdd-nos type diagnosis.
I started looking after my 2 nefews this summer, both have
severe mental problems. The younger one was diagnosed with PDD
they are trying to narrow it down further. I was asked to look
after them because 3 or 4 daycares now have had them a short time and
then refused to look after them. The younger one is 4 he says few
words, has major meltdowns, doesn't function well with other
children. I am looking for ways to help him. The parents of
these children do not accept the diagnoses they play it off like it is
some little problem in there lives. Their needs are not met at
home and little is down to address any of the concerns affecting these
children. When the kids were droped off for the first day 8:30
am, I was never told how to handle anything that might arise. The
little one was hitting and kicking I tried to remove him from
play. We got very upset hitting me himeslef screaming on the top
of his lungs. wouldn't move I tried to pick him up he lay limp
and wouldn't stand up. he threw himself on the floor and banging
his head over and over. When his father came to pick him up I
told him about this and he played it off like it was funny that I
actually had to deal with something alittle stressful in my life.
( I have 2 very well behaved children-Twins I don't know what is like
to have a child who doesn't listen) He then went on to say this eposide
was nothing and to let him do what he wants till he is calm
again. Then says he is so much better then before. I have
read some stuff consering PDD since this day but have a hard time
finding how to deal in these situations and really what to do. So
I figured who would know better then the people here. I love
these boys and want to help them, someone needs to their parents
arn't. I am sad for these children, they need help. They go
to a mental health expert 2 times a week each so they are getting some
help. I try to say to the parents that this is far more serious
then they had the family believe but they just won't accept this.
How do I talk to these people who are my family and in complete
denial? How do I make the time more enjoyable for these boys how
do I help them?? I would just like to say that I admire the people who
have to deal with autism and PDD everyday and do a great job.
Thanks for your time and would appricate any feedback with caregiver
issues.
aunt who needs help
When his father came to pick him up I told him about this and he played it off like it was funny that I actually had to deal with something alittle stressful in my life. ( I have 2 very well behaved children-Twins I don't know what is like to have a child who doesn't listen) He then went on to say this eposide was nothing and to let him do what he wants till he is calm again. Then says he is so much better then before. I have read some stuff consering PDD since this day but have a hard time finding how to deal in these situations and really what to do. So I figured who would know better then the people here. I love these boys and want to help them, someone needs to their parents arn't. I am sad for these children, they need help. They go to a mental health expert 2 times a week each so they are getting some help. I try to say to the parents that this is far more serious then they had the family believe but they just won't accept this. How do I talk to these people who are my family and in complete denial? How do I make the time more enjoyable for these boys how do I help them?? I would just like to say that I admire the people who have to deal with autism and PDD everyday and do a great job. Thanks for your time and would appricate any feedback with caregiver issues.
aunt who needs help
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