One thing you can do immediately, until you get things rolling with your letter, is to write a letter to the school yourself. I would write that although your ex provided permission to his new girlfriend to communicate with the school, you have not provided this permission. And because the two of you share legal custody, which involves making joint decisions about the child's health, education and welfare, individual decisions made without other's consent are against the divorce decree. Also, your son could very well be negatively impacted in the educational setting with various notes, meetings, etc. with people who are not on the same page. Therefore, you are providing official notice that there is not full approval of this woman communicating with the school, that you now see a negative impact to your son's education, and you want the communication stopped. Additionally, I would conclude that this woman is absolutely not to be making any decisions regarding your son's education, as she is not a parent or legal guardian.
I know that your lawyer already sent a letter, but you could use your letter as a follow-up correspondence, indicating that the situation is still occurring, and it is negatively impacting him. This time, I would even cc the superintendent or regional office, if you have one. The SD is only looking at one part of the legal equation, which is whether the school can communicate with a particular party and under what circumstances. They are not looking at how they're getting themselves into a mess with three parties, who really are not on the same page, communicating with the school (you and your ex may basically agree on what your son needs, but as long as he allows a girlfriend to interfere, you're not really on the same page).
In addition to looking into modifying the divorce decree, you may want to ask your lawyer about whether there can be an injunction against the school, barring it from communicating with the ex. But realize that taking it there will bring about mad drama. Good luck.
VERY glad to hear you're contacting your lawyer. This is what happens when divorce decrees are not clear about educational participation. Of course, who would have ever thought about this before it happened? The way the school is talking, it sounds as though they will actually consider this girlfriend's point of view and may even allow her to sign things. I think that is definitely not legal or your lawyer could MAKE it illegal.
BCBA = Board Certified Behavior Analyst.
Kelly, I feel so bad for you. I just went through a divorce, and I'm sure my day of reckoning is coming too. I honestly don't see how she can get away with this though. If they were married, then I could half-way understand her wanting to get involved. But she still isn't the parent and shouldn't be intervening like this.
Please let us know what your lawyer says. I'm interested in learning the legal perspective on this issue.
Best of luck!
Cindy
Cindy,,
Just a little advice. My ex and I have maintained a decent relationship,,almost friendlike,,since the divorce...until this point..
my biggest regret---not spelling out who is the "legal" guardian...we just have it stated simple custody..and stating who is to be responsible and able to communicate w/school issues/medical issues.
I'll post back after my monday appt..i'm sure there are alot of us in the same boat..or may be one day.
kelly
[QUOTE=tzoya]If you want to designate one parent as the "education contact," you still need to speak with a lawyer to formalize it. That way, the school never gets caught in the middle.[/QUOTE]
That's not necessarily legal in every state. My state passed a law that specifically gives the non-custodial parent the right to have full access to everything pertaining to a child's education. If the non-custodial parent wants to be involved, the school legally has to treat that parent the same as the custodial parent. Both parents have the right to request meetings, obtain school records, communicate with the school, make decisions, etc. Sure, it puts the school in the middle, but the state felt like the non-custodial parent was oftentimes being stripped of rights and information he/she was entitled to. So, it's important that you involve an attorney in this matter and know what your state laws are. My state also requires that all parents complete a Parenting Plan which outlines how parents will raise the child, including who makes educational decisions and such. But if there's joint custody, both parents have equal rights. And again, the school has to abide by the state law regarding non-custodial parents, even if a parenting plan says that one parent makes the decisions.
I honestly don't see how a girlfriend could have any rights. I would be pretty hot if this happened to me. But I'm not sure what legal recourse you have. If it's a recurring issue, then it may need to be brought before a judge to rule on, if a legal agreement can't be reached that is enforceable. Schools pretty much want a legal document signed by the judge before they'll take sides and abide by your wishes.
Hi Cindy,,
YES!! I would say that at this point I am pretty HOT about this..I mean, she is his girlfriend!! What rights does she have.?? Especially since myself and Luke's dad are equally responsible and caring parents fully capable for addressing his needs...
I'll have to post back on here after my lawyer fills me in on Monday...
Kelly
Since it already states who is responsible for communicating with the school and for medical issues, why can't you show that clause to the school? Of course, your lawyer will give you the best advice and each state is different. But if it already says in your divorce decree that YOU are the one the school has to speak with, it may just be a matter of putting that part of your divorce decree on record.tzoya...
I hope it's that simple!!
Thanks again for all the help!
Tzoya,,,I really do wish we would have originally made someone the "person" for the educational "stuff"...
Maria,,yes,,,I have sent the school a letter on my own, in addition to the letter my laywer sent out...and you are right,we really aren't on the same page if his gfriend is interfering..I wish my X saw it that way.
thanks!!!
Kelly
Here's my take on it. She REALLY wants to impress your X. Clearly, she has him in her crosshairs for marriage and wants to show what a great step-mom she'll be. It's really the job of the school to tell her that they really cannot speak to her since she is not the parent or legal guardian. This is a confidentiality issue. The school district might be breaking the law. I'd speak to whomever your X's girlfriend is speaking to and see what the school is saying. Perhaps they can give her the phone number of a BCBA who can help her handle your son when he's with them, but the school should only be speaking with you or your X.Tzoya,,
what is a BCBA?
yeah,,I have been thinking it's all about impressing the X too,,and I do think that she thinks "he's the one for her"..and I'm happy for them if that's the case.....
I have an appt on Monday with my lawyer just to see what my legal rights are here.The school has a legal response for me, via their attorney, who said that my x has may approve of anyone to communicate as a third party on his behalf, and barring a court order, that I can't do anything about it....
I'll find out more on Monday. To me it sounds wierd that a third party should have any access to our son's information. Especially if I don't give concent as a legal guardian...this really is a mess..
Thanks for the advice!
Kelly
Hi all,,
I like the ignore her suggestion,,I have really tried that one!! It is a hard one , that's for sure. Unfortunately, she is writing notes to his teachers saying "what a challenge he is", and things along those lines--so it is impacting somewhat. Plus, I just don't feel it's any of her business. Maybe i just feel like my toes are being stepped on by her.
thanks for letting me vent!!
Kelly
I wasn't really sure where to post this...maybe someone has had something similar to this happen to them, and have some advice?
Very Brief background: I am divorced, since 04. We share joint physical and legal custody of our 6yr old Autistic son, Luke. Luke has an IEP though his school.
My ex has a new live-in gfriend, I live with my bfriend. Everything was "great" ...until his new gfriend decided to become involved with Luke's school.
My ex and I have discussed this. He agreed that she is to NOT be involved with school matters. I found out recently that she went to a meeting with the spec ed tchr. Upon finding this out, I had my lawyer send a letter to my ex and the school stating that she is to not communicate w/the school due to our previous agreement...
Then, the school emailed me and told me that my ex actually signed some kind of letter of consent at school allowing her to communicate w/the school!
I approached him on this, and he said that he can allow anyone consent to communicate, even if i disagree. All of this AFTER he agreed to not allowing her to communicate.
Does anyone know what is right here? Am I wrong to not allow a third party into this mess? I just feel that the school "stuff" is none of her business to become involved with...we already have a "team" for this! The school psycologist consulted with the school's lawyer, and he said that the parent can allow anyone to communicate, even if the other parent disagree's! Is this right?? Doesn't seem right to me.
I have a meeting w/my lawyer regarding this. I just was really interested in others here. What do others feel about "outsiders" becoming involved with the school? Isn't it the parents who are the one's that are supposed to be the one's communicating on behalf of their children?
Both my ex and I are very involved with our son. I have told my ex that I do support his gfriends help, just to stay out of his school.
Any and all advice from those who have been involved in something like this are very welcome. If you've read all the way through this dramatic mess and still would like to post a reply ,
thanks!
Kelly
I am not divorced nor do I have friends with autistic kids who are divorced. However, I am participating in a very intense advocacy course and the lawyer who teaches it suggested that advocates tell their divorced clients to go back to court and choose the parent the child lives with to give FULL custody to. This was mainly to avoid having the two different school districts in which the two different parents live fight over who is to pay for the child's interventions (in joint custody with parents living in two different school districts, this can happen, especially in places like NY where school districts can be TINY and X's can live a mile or so apart and actually be in two different districts). However, it also takes care of situations like this. Sometimes the custody decrees can specify who makes educational decisions. But allowing BOTH parents to make those decisions, legally, is asking for trouble. Of course, in practice the two parents should communicate and come to decisions together, but one of those decisions should be which ONE will sign for the school.
Thanks for the advice tzoya...
we live in the same district (we only live a short distance away from one another)..and neither of us is willing to designate "full custody" to the other at this point. At this point our son lives with one parent part of the week ,and another the other part. It's been this way since he was 2yrs old..of course , he is very usedto this routine and we both agree that a change in custody arrangement may cause more trouble than it's worth...
I like your idea about one parent making educational decisions...and that the tow parents communication and decision making together, but only one signing..
thanks for the advice!!!
kelly
Tzoya is right on the money. You can still share the physical custody but one of you can have sole legal custody. You need a court order for that, as Tzoya said. You may not want to mess with the sole legal custody, but other than having one designated educational communicator (if your ex agrees), what choices are really available? You may want to think about meeting with your attorney, because you will pay at least an hour's fee unless you have some other arrangement, to hear pretty much what you're reading here. Of course, a judge can order that the new girlfriend stay out of it, but he or she needs a legal basis to do that. You can give it some time. If it appears that her support is negatively impacting him educationally or otherwise, then you can have a stronger case for an order.
But there is another possible solution, albeit a very difficult one. Ignore her. As long as she doesn't sign any permission forms or is making any decisions about your son's education, her mouthing off at school shouldn't have much impact. Let's see how long she's willing to attend meetings and go on and on. This may be temporary. She may be just looking out for your son's interests, or she may be trying to irk you.
If you want to designate one parent as the "education contact," you still need to speak with a lawyer to formalize it. That way, the school never gets caught in the middle.tzoya--
I'm checking into the FERPA..we had a zoo field trip yesterday, so we are in "recovery" mode.
THANKS for the humor too. Sometimes it's the only way to get through.
kelly
Well, it's been awhile,but thought I'd post an update..
I had my lawyer send a letter to the school and my ex regarding the gfriend communicating w/the school.
Bottom line is that in cases like this, the school district has it's own "laws" that they follow. In this case, since my ex gives permission, she can communicate w/the school. Even if I don't agree! It doesn't matter what my divorce agreement says. ( my ex told me that she was not going to communicate, then went behind my back and signed a form allowing her to!)
So, unless I want to go to court over this, I have to just grin and bear it. Since I'm a single mom, without disposable income...my lawyer recommended to not fight this battle. I wish I could, but I guess you've got to pick and choose them.
My advise to anyone going through a divorce or revising a parenting plan: make sure your info is specific in your plan.
kelly
I really don't get it. I don't ... that's ridiculous. Why should any non-relation be able to communicate to the school about your child? I can see having permission to pick up your child on his days. I have friends on my pick-up/contact list. But that's as far as it should go.
yes, it is ridiculous--according to the school, and my lawyer, if a parent designates someone to be privy to communicate then they follow that. Regardless of what the other parent says. YES. It does ( and I think is) rediculous.
I'm welcome to any advice on this.
thanks!
kelly
GERPA ... tzoya you crack me up!hpydrms -- How's the FERPA thing going?
This is why the very well-known spec. ed. lawyer and Impartial Hearing Officer who gave the intense advocacy course I took gave instructions to always advise any clients who come to us who are divorcing or have divorced to get SOLE CUSTODY. Of course, there are other ways to put into the divorce decree that ONLY the custodial parents can speak with the school. HOwever, there is also the issue of WHICH school district is responsible for the IEP if each of the parents lives in a different school district. In NY this is likely since many school districts are only a square mile in size, so parents can live walking distance from one another and live in two separate school districts. If this happens, which school district is the "district of parental residence?" The law does not say that the district if CHILD residence is responsible for the IEP. It says that the district of PARENTAL residence is responsible. And if, at least on paper, the parents are equal, it's conceivable that the two different school districts will each say they are NOT the ones responsible for the child. It happens. If you add situations like the one being discussed here into the mix, it becomes CLEAR why the parent with whom the child will be living should retain FULL CUSTODY. Just hope that parents considering divorce read this before they make any agreements that will come back to bite them.Hmmmmm I am one to fight dirty. Maybe you should just volunteer to take your son to and from school all the time. If she tries to send a note to school with him for his teacher tear it up on the way. If she asks you never saw it. Probably wouldn't completely alleviate the issue but it sure as hell would make it a lot more difficult for her.You guys are AWESOME! Thank you so much for your view. It really gives me alot to think about. I just hate having this person so involved with the school. She has no right here. I just don't know if it's a battle worth fighting over.
I'll definately read up on the FERPA ,,thanks for the advice.
kelly
Yes, sole custody is good. But remember:
1. There is physical custody and legal custody. You can have shared or sole of one or both. The legal custody involves significant decisions made about the child's health, education and welfare. That would be the most important aspect of custody to obtain solely in order to control who communicates with your child's school.
2. If your ex-spouse does not agree to you having sole custody (physical or legal), then you have to bring it to court to decide. As hpydrms
said, absent a court order, she doesn't have much choice. Settlement agreements are good, but I found that with my newly negotiated agreement, my soon-to-be ex was very steadfast about sharing legal custody (but not the physical). I am not wild about it, but considering that I make the decisions and he has very little input, at this time that's fine.
Does it seem like the teacher (or teachers) is taking the girlfriend's notes and comments seriously? Is her interference having any true impact on your child? Or do you suspect the teachers may be kindly discarding those notes and continuing with business as usual? You may just want to wait the girlfriend out. Let's see how long she continues down this path once she is through trying to impress your ex.
I will say that the school's actions are pretty amusing. Those folks seem to be going out of their way to protect your ex and his girlfriend's rights. Do they really think your ex is going to run to court if they don't communicate with his girlfriend? What about the exes who have girlfriends (or boyfriends) du jour?
They don't want to get sued somehow by the X. He might claim that his parental participation rights were stepped on. I think that argument is specious. If it were me, I'd push this to the top at the school since you are not going to get a court order. I'd put in writing to the Superintendent and/or School Board what you've been told and then ask for "that written policy." If it's not a written policy, you can say they are discriminating against you by allowing someone other than a blood relative of your child to learn your child's private information. YOu can also consider a state complaint citing FERPA -- Family Education Right to Privacy Act. That's what I'd do. I'd google FERPA and get the actual law. I'd read it and understand it. I'd highlight it. I'd then take it to the decisionmakers and ask them to defend how they are NOT implementing it. It's not GERPA -- Girlfriend Right to Privacy Act. This young lady is NOT a family member. She's not even a family member by marriage. Unless she has Power of Attorney for you husband, I believe it will be decided by the schools that they HAVE violated your family's right to privacy. Check out FERPA and use it.