At what age did you tell your child? | Autism PDD

I asked a dev prof during a talk this same q just last week. She said that most asd kids will come to ask the 'why am I different' q betweent the age of 9-12 most often at 10. She said there is little point in bringing it up before then and when they do ask just be completely open about it, as parents we should all be very comfortable with the dx (description) by then too, which is handy. She compared this to adopted kids saying many parents make far bigger a deal out of it that the kids actualy need and long before the child has even considered the implications of the subject. Apparently it's something that will NOT really concern the child before this age, whether you tell them earlier or not. It can be counter-productive to make an issue out of it by offering explanations etc before the child himself is inquisitive about it.

It sounds pretty reasonable to me, but we don't discuss 'autism' in the home anyway, my boys both just have their strengths and weaknesses and are very different to each other, so that particular label means v little to me. I guess you should do what you feel comfortable with and what you think is best for your child.

horizon39167.3533217593We haven't had 'the talk" (Ds is 7) but we talk a lot about how everyone is
different, thinks differently, learns differently, is interested in different
things.....At some point it will amount to "the way you think, learn and
have interest is sometimes called autism" or something like it.

I now must now add that talk on top of the ongoing stuff about transracial adoption, why her skin is darker, why her right arm does not work as well as her left ... and her myriad ongoing questions about why we adopted her.

But like micki, we at least have already introduced the concept of differences, eh?

Concernedpa.

Or did they ask? How did they ask you? My son is 6 and we're just starting to think about getting prepared to deliver the news appropriately to him WHEN he asks. We have no interest in proactively telling him at this point, but I was just curious.

We're preparing to tell him now. He's 8-1/2 and still doesn't ask questions, although in the past year he's showing increased insight into his own situation (comments like "I need more time to learn than the other kids" and "I don't fit in with the things other kids want to play, except when it's my own idea.")

We've heard that the ideal age is 7-8. It's important not to wait till the tween/teen years, because the pressure to fit in is so strong that they refuse to accept a diagnosis of being different.

Good luck.

from everything I have read and been told by parents and autistic people, It seems that the best way is to speak about it around the home as though it is not a big deal, and it's just the way it is. GTTO compares it to talking about your child being left handed. Not necessarily having "the talk" but rather a series of conversations amongst the family where it is mentioned. Don't try to keep it from them until they ask, or until the right time to tell them.

I will talk about it in my home around Sharlet always, so she just always knows and it never is an issue I have to tell her. So she knows she is autistic, just like she knows she is a girl.

There are stages where she might ask "why am I a girl" but she knows she is one. I will have to explain details at different stages of her life, but she will already know she has autism, probably before she can comprehend what it really means, she will ask questions about it as she needs answers.

Allegra, I know what you mean--you have an excellent point. We actually have been doing that for the past year but have consciously never applied the label of PDD-NOS or autism to our talks.

NorwayMom: for us, I have a feeling 7 or so will end up being the right age.

Michael talks about his "therapies" and I have voluntarily told him in the past, without him asking, that he has a whole bunch of teachers to help him work on various skills, etc.

We explained it to Connor when he was 8, and he began to have academic difficulties at school. We also gave him a copy of "Freaks, Geeks and Asperger's Syndrome", and he poured over that book, and was a tremendous help to him. Sarah never has not known she was autistic..we had therapists in home everyday since before age 3 and talked so openly about it that it never came to a sit down talk with her. I think it is better..never an awkward moment of oops I said the "A" word and there she is:) She has no bad feelings on it thus far..it's just a word to help describe how she sees the world and how the world affects her but it does not describe her:)I am autistic and was only diagnosed when I was 14. I found this really difficult to accept and think that if you have a diagnosis you should tell the child sooner rather than later. I have 3 dc with ASD. My oldest dd is pdd-nos and mainstream. We told her when we found out she was 8 yo. We didn't explain as if she had some horrible affliction but similar to telling a girl... she's girl. We explained that's why she has trouble with some things. We also reminded her she was very good at some things too and everybody is different.

[QUOTE=OZZIE-ROZIES-MA]I have 3 dc with ASD. My oldest dd is pdd-nos and mainstream. We told her when we found out she was 8 yo. We didn't explain as if she had some horrible affliction but similar to telling a girl... she's girl. We explained that's why she has trouble with some things. We also reminded her she was very good at some things too and everybody is different. [/QUOTE]

That is a GREAT way of analogizing it!

We have always told him, but he wasn't dx'd until he was 7. In fact the NeuroPsych who dx'd him told him. How would I have explanied that he was going to special doctors all of the time. It is just a part of our lives. When my son was eight he came home from school crying and asking me why he is not normal, and told me he knows he is not like other kids in his class. I told him he was normal and had asperger's. I also told him he was not going to die or be sick physically from Asperger's. Then I told him about other well known people who had Asperger's, he accepted it and we talk about it when ever he has a question. My DD is 7 1/2. We haven't told her yet. I don't think she would understand at this point. But we do talk about autism, its not hush hush. When she is having a hard time, we explain to others around, that sometimes she has a hard time, she just needs a few minutes to get used to the situation, etc. We figure when she gets a little older, maybe 9 or 10, and can understand thigns a bit better, we will tell her.My parents told me about my HFA at the age of 11.

When i was mainstreamed it was forgotton, my family would not talk about it and in middle and high school i went on with life as if i never had it, maby even forgot about it myself. By then I had outgrown alot of my symptons and had made a decent amount of friends, did well in school.

I even had a job early in high school, tho it was during the summer.

Telling your child when they are too young may result in them not understanding, afterall, i did not seek out belonging until middle and high school, i could care less in elementary. Also they may not understand and may tell people, the wrong ppl!

They should know around teen or b4 teen years, so they will need to understand and make changes if they wanna fit in, which unfortunatly I also had to do, and i had not theripy just Special ed in elemntary. Your kids will do much better im betteing then I ever did, and I did fine!

Really interesting posts. It seems like each individual child is going to be ready to "know" at a different age and with deepening explanations as time goes on where needed.

Maybe, especially for the higher social functioning kids, a throw away comment about each of us being unique when they are little is a good enough intro. Its hard for me to gauge, but Cole seems to be less socially engaged than some of the other 6 years olds you guys share about.

For us, with two boys so close in age, we had to take into account both Cole and Jack's needs. I HAD to tell them afer Cole's near-miss with the pond, otherwise wouldn've waited a bit.

On the other hand, I always want Jack to be proud of his big brother, so preparing them both at 3 and 5 helped ME feel better that Jack's peers wouldn't get away with being jerks to Cole. Believe me, there is one little kid - 4 - who'd say "eeew! I don't want to sit next to HIM!" And I responded (loudly enough for Jack to hear and model), "well, when YOU speak with those kind of bad manners, NOBODY wants to sit next to you. Now, let's all have good manners and enjoy the watermelon that COLE chose to bring."

I have overheard Jack (4) say matter of factly, "no silly - he can hear you! Cole's just a little bit autistic -not bad, just a little. He's not a good talker yet."

Woodsman - do you have siblings? And if you were the dad with more than one kid, but only one on the spectrum - would this color your timing on telling?

hello, yes i have a sister 2 years younger then i (22.5)

I guess it would depend on the both of them, i would not wanna tell 1 and not the other, i would probably sit um both down when the time was right and explain what it is, good and bad, and talk about it together.

It would depend on a number of factors such as age, and if they start asking questions, and if they have an ability to understand and also understand not to tell certain ppl.

My mom and dad told me, i never asked, when i was 11, i never asked my sis if they told her, i assume they did, but when she was a little older. I never asked and never talked about it after mainstreaming with them.

Thats y i like being on here, it gives me an oppertunity to tell my story, hear about others and maby give advice, whereas my parents and family wont wanna talk about it still or, i feel uncomfortable discusing it with them, as i get almost a feeling of... well its hard to explain but maby shaim, like they feel it held me back, i did not have the potential my dad thought i could have, I dont know its hard to explain.

keep talking to your kids about it!! WHen the time is right!

Woodsman, when you become a dad, you will understand that you want your kid to have perfect eyesight, no food allergies, no asthma, to be a good dancer, to be a good sport, and more...to be some storybook character of an offspring. That's a gut reaction.

I believe most of us have some struggles in adolescence, and some of us have regrets over things in our childhood. Things that bother us a bit into adulthood and still cast a shadow.

When that new baby comes into your life, its like this pure and clean starting over point, and natural inclinations make you want your child to have NO struggles and no regrets. Everyone wants his child to have an easier, happier time of it than we did.

So, no I cannot fathom what you feel, but as a mom am guessing that your folks -maybe your dad, mostly - wish they could've cleared a better path for you. You have got great, great nurturing instincts and I feel quite certain you will "get" this immediately upon becoming a dad.

I don't believe your parents have a molecule of disappointment in you! Not an atom, not a quark. As humans, though, they probably have a smidge of disappointment in themselves...wishing they had done more, done better. They may be great parents, but all of us - in case you hadn't picked up on the people on board here!- question what we do for our kids.

You are helping us make good choices for all our children, and easing the self-questioning we parents take part in. And how proud your own folks would be if they saw half the contributions you make here for our little kids! Thank you! You are a fine young man.

As some of you know, we made a social story book telling our son about his diagnosis, just before he turned 9. We read the story to him first alone, when our younger son was at his Grandpa's house. Whenever we read it later, both boys were usually with us, but our younger son doesn't seem too interested.