If one of your boy's needs conflicts with the others', you will have to make a choice. Do you want to handle your autistic child the way and autistic child needs to be handled, or do you want your older boy to not feel as though you have different standards for him? This seems to be a tough choice. I had only one child, so that is something I didn't face. However, I can tell you from both experience and from observing TONS of parents of ASD kids interact with them over the past 16 years, consequences don't work the same way with ASD kids as they do with NT kids. Your ASD son IS different. Much more different from NT than if he had a deveopmental delay such as Down Syndrome, for example.
"For goodness sake if you can praise the good, ignore the ignorable, try to redirect the bad." Payne's mom -- I couldn't have said it better myself.
Thanks Tzoya. I use that with NT kids too.
To find out what is causing a behavior, it helps to write down A-B-C information"
A = Antecedent; what came immediately before the behavior
B = Behavior; what the behavior actually looked like and to whom it was directed, if applicable.
C = Consquence. Now, "consequence" is not meant here as a punishment or reward consiously imposed by an adult. It means the actual IMMEDIATE result of the behavior.
Once a log of these ABC's is kept for awhile, you can step back and try to analyze any possible pattern. In school, this is called an FBA. Once you know the REASON for a particular behavior, you can make a plan that addresses it in some rational way. For example, a child screams. The mom sends the child to his room. Over time, the child screams more and more often. The mom takes down ABC data. Turns out that the mom has been listening to music while cleaning the room. The child screams when she turns on the radio and is REWARDED for that scream by being sent out of the room, to a place where the music isn't bothering him. We parents (and teachers and sitters and everyone else) don't want to inadvertantly be rewarding behavior we want to stop, so THAT's why learning the REASON for a particular behavior is KEY.
As a general rule, I've not seen punishments work with ASD kids. I HAVE seen spanking work temporarily, but only if the parent is willing to hit HARD (sensory issues). And then the anger over this sort of treatment invariably builds up causing many, many more issues down the road. I've seen nearly all punishments backfire except for one. The lack of earning a particular reward in a positive behavior plan. What I mean is that the absence of a desired positive can be motivation enough, if the plan is consistently implemented and the parameters are CLEAR to the child.
Thank you Shelly-I just looked at the websote and it is really good- I am going to try to do my darndest to ignore-unless it is hitting or could break stuff. With Payne we will occassionally use time outs but usually for the quiet time aspect of it - he usually will comply, but I have noticed that you can not force him to stay in time out - or he'll meltdown!Time-outs work for him to a certain degree b/c he doesn't like being by himself. But I also choose something he really loves -- his little plastic and stuffed animals and television, and take them away one at a time. For tv, I take it away in 10, 15 or 20-minute increments depending on what he does. I also started using a simplified reward system, using marbles. This measures the good things he does (good day in school, aftercare, good weekend time, doing something kind for his sister, doing tasks when asked once) by adding a certain number of marbles to the jar depending on the good things he does. The marbles add up to a weekly prize. I think I'll also do a monthly prize depending on how many marbles he earns total each month. These have been good so far. I don't take any marbles away for bad behavior; he just doesn't earn as much as he could have. So the marble system and the time-out/takeway system are really separate.
ShellyR, I may consider the ignoring inappropriate behavior idea. The problem is that I don't have the patience of a saint!
Everyone gave excellent advice and I just wanted to add the link below on Ignoring inappropriate behavior and why it works ..it is the only thing that helped with Sarah and her horrible tantrums. I would of posted the whole message but it is kinda lengthy..I have actually copied it and sent it out to moms of typical kids. It really works~takes the patience of a SAINT but once they learn that nothing can be gained with negative behaviors they will drop them. Good luck:)
p.s. I would give a copy to everyone that is taking care of your son so ALL will be on same page
http://groups.msn.com/TheAutismHomePage/ignoring.msnw
Thank you both for the advice! THe ABC is a good idea,too. The only one I cant think of a antecedent for is the throwin of things. It is constant and it is everything. All places,situations.... I know when he tantrums it is because he is angry(didnt get his way) or frustrated(lack of language). Reinforcers seem to work good. I still dont know what to do about someone else being in charge of him in a kid settin-church is about the only one. We quit going for a month because we didnt want to deal with his behaviors thier, but its not fait to my 13 yr old nt son. The teachers are willing to try and work with him so far( and its only 1 hour 1 x a week) but I am not sure what they should do???I neeed some advice! My 3 yr old has been having behaviors-constant throwing,hitting when mad. We were putting him in time out-he gets put in timeout at school. At first it worked. But then, behaviors escalated and major tantruming ensued when put in timeou at home. He would not stay in timeout..we had to hold him in it and he would totally loose it-biite himself,us,kick,scream...NIGHTMARE!!! We have been working with UCF CARD and the ABA approach is to COnnor proof our house so he cant get to stuff to throw, ignore tantrums(unless dangerous) make him pick up what he has thrown, using picture cards{he is nonverbal-does some signs} When we go anywhere elselike the church preschool, we cant "Connor proof " the room, and what do they do when he thows things? Just making him pick up every lego he just throew isnt working... I am considering going back to time outs with a alarm set for 2 minutes so he will know how long & know thier is an end to it if he sits nicely. I need something that will work in the real word AND home. What do you all think???You need to look at why he is throwing these "tantrums" . Is it because he is in a situation that he can't cope with for eg Church with lots of people and noise around him? and wants to get away? Is it because he has trouble transitioning(going from one task to another) and maybe he needs a warning that he will finish after 10? Is it because he doesn't have enough language and is frustrated because he cant tell you what he wants or doesn't understand what is expected of him. Perhaps kt is the end of the day and he is getting tired after a day of school and therapy and just needs time to himself doing his favourite activity. What I am trying to say ( and probably not very clearly) is that when dealing with challenging behaviors you need to work out why the child is doing them especially as youve said time out is only worsening the situation. A word of advie a lot of kids cna't stand being held when they are upset and it only makes things more stressful for them. Good luck, Liz