Getting past guilt | Autism PDD

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Confused,

I can understand now why you have guilt.  Now that I know the age difference between you and your brother.  You must have been 19 or 20 when that incident happened. You were an adult. There is quite an age difference between my oldest and my youngest.  My youngest is on the spectrum.  My oldest is almost 13 and I have got to tell you that my oldest already knows better than to touch his younger brother in any physical way that is not loving. There is such an age difference, and it's less than you and your brothers, that my oldest see's him as a baby almost.  After your statement about the "bruises" that you sustained growing up it all seemed to fall into place. You obviously have issues that you've had to deal with in childhood.  This would explain why you "acted out" growing up, and later were not able for some reason to control yourself with your brother even though you were the ADULT.  I think that before you decide to jump into a career with special needs children that you should get some extensive counseling for yourself.  Because what you described to me IS ABUSE.  Maybe you just don't realize it because you were used to it.  Take care,

Karrie 

Confused, I see where the guilt is comming from, at least I think I do.  What you have described that happened to you IS abuse and YOU KNOW IT.  Whether you LIKE to think it's NOT, IT REALLY IS.  That is what you grew up with so that is what you did as well.  You acted out toward your brother in an abusive manner much the same way you were treated.  You chose a boyfriend that was probably similar to your father in that he had the abusive traits that you were so used to and raised with.  You feel badly because abusers put shame in the ones being abused.  And you also feel badly for doing it to your brother.  It really sux to grow up in an abusive setting, but as adults, we have the power to change how we treat our children.  You don't have to fall into those habits.  Sometimes it's easy for people to simply say no I won't raise my kids like I was raised.  Sometimes it's much harder and therapy may be your only way to get out of those old habits and beliefs.  Believe me, I had an abusive dysfunctional family from the beginning and sometimes it's hard for me not to yell and scream when all the kids are whining at once.  I have to take a step back and just breathe slowly and tell myself I won't let the way I was raised get into my parenting.  I hope so much you get the help you need to get yourself back on track.  And I so hope your brother is in a better situation as well.

Take care,

Rachelle

Okay. You said you've been in counseling but obviously it isn't helping. I think you need to find a better counselor or therapist that can work with you. Come to terms with what happened in the past so you can move on. Parents make mistakes. Sisters and brothers fight. Stress in families happens. Smart people learn from their mistakes. You said your father realizes his disciplining techniques were wrong. So maybe if you could forgive him and accept it and move on, you can have a better future. You said your parents do take care of Steven, yet it sounds like you voluntarily take a parental role with him. Maybe you should just let your parents care for your brother, and you be the best loving sister you can be for him now, and let what happened in the past go. Move forward. Perhaps you could arrange some family counseling for all of you.


Confused, You need extremely intensive counseling like NOW! What you describe here IS a abusive dysfunctional family, but I think thats been said enough. I don't think anyone is trying to judge you or your family but offer the "ousider looking in" view and try to help.

I am concerned for you and for your brother. You dont mention your sister really; How old is she? and is she also being abused or abusive?

Abuse keeps cycling. You were hit marks / bruises left and emmotional scars. I am guessing you were also very much belittled and verbally abused as well since that is generally the pattern. You were made to feel it was your fault and you deserved it. Sounds like maybe your mother was abused as well leaving her no strength to stand up to your father or even to you when you turned abusive towards your brother. (Or maybe she was abusive as well?)

I am terrified for you and your family. You should NOT be working in a place with special needs individuals (children or adults) and should not be working around any children (special needs or not) until you deal with the abuse and get help! MAYBE thats where some of the guilt is coming from. I as a parent would be scared to death of having someone working around my child who has been abused and is abusive!

People who are abused grow up to abuse or pick a partner to keep abusing them. You have grown up to also be an abuser with the abuse you have done to your brother and probably never even thought it was wrong. YOU NEED HELP! Without it you will continue to abuse your family, you boyfriends and your children if you chose to have any. GET HELP BEFORE THAT HAPPENS PLEASE!

It sounds to me like all you know is chaos. When you had the fathers day dinner peace and calm were not normal for you so you created it by annoying your brother and pushing until he went off. Im guessing it sparked a reaction in your father. THEN it became normal and you knew how to act, because the yelling and screaming and belittling and itting is all you knew how to deal with. Others do or have done it to you, so you think nothing of doing it to them.

Maybe working at the school has made you realize you cant scream and yell at kids and hit them. Maybe thats where you feel so confused and guilty. Im not trying to put words in your mouth, just figure out what is happening.

Yes I agree you need your brother more than he needs you. No one needs to be abused. You mention previous boyfriends and a teacher saying what type of sister are you as well as your parents. It sounds like you are full of bitterness and rage. maybe jealous that maybe alll the abuse was taken out on you and not your younger siblings.? You also mention bringing home small gifts for your siblings. Thats usually called a honeymoon phase when its abuse between domestic partners (not sure what its called between siblings) but it is common for an abuser to buy a gift to apologize for the abuse and then have it all start all over again.

Do you still live at home with your brother? I hope not. He needs to be protected from you until you get a handle on your anger. Depending whats going on there he may need protected from your parent(s) as well.

You say [QUOTE=confused] I used to use physical force to repremand him (the same way it happened to me).  I don't really know if you can classify it as physical abuse, I tend not to think so.[/QUOTE]
YES IT IS CALLED ABUSE!

[QUOTE=confused] There were times when I was younger like 6 - 10, and I would do things, when I was told not to do something or whatever I remember talking back.  When I did it enough, I got slapped (don't like the term beating) and it never got too out of hand.  Though sometimes my father would be heavy handed and occasional there was a bruise (again this didn't happen all the time, but when it did it would escalate).  When I would be crying, they would tell me to apologize and I refused. [/QUOTE] This is all forms of abuse!!!
[QUOTE=confused] Somehow I liked being defiant, even though it brought more pain.  [/QUOTE] It is common for someone who is being abused to provoke abuse when things are calm because ABUSE is all they know for things to feel normal.

And something I see here is you mention the abuse you suffered and defend it as though you deserved it or it wasnt that bad since now its over. You do the same when you can VIVIDLY recall hurting your brother throwing him across a room into a wall where he cut his eyebrow on a particular part of a lock while you were angry waiting for your boyfriend. You remember you grandmother holding him while blood gushed and the boyfriend coming from far away.... you remember your brother screaming as a dr calmly put stitches in him and that he was 8 YEARS OLD (you were 20!) And you think you should repremand your brother? Do you feel if you do then he wont get it as harsh from your father? Do you do it to focus the attention off of him and what he did wrong and onto you so the brunt of it is taken out on you? SOMETHING VERY WRONG IS HAPPENING HERE! When you can vividly recall harming someone with such detail it is scarey!

[QUOTE=confused]  I don't want anyone to think that I do alot for my brother.  Because on the surface it may seem like that, but it's not. ....... I take it upon myself to be in Steven's matters.  I don't have to, but I want to.  I'm not complaining, and I really don't think I need any praise.  I need him more than he needs me.  I think we can contend to that, and have felt that way. [/QUOTE] I think you need to STOP being involved with Steven's matters now that this has all come out UNTIL you get yourself HELP you NEED!

[QUOTE=confused]  He can read and write, I can't tell you how proud I am.  I don't want to take credit, because I really feel like he has evolved and done alot on his own. [/QUOTE]
Your words were very misleading previously. Its no wonder you feel guilty.

[QUOTE=confused] I really need him more than he needs me, ..........  I do occasionally lose my temper with him, I'm not perfect.  Sometimes it gets pretty bad, we will argue or fight.  I want to stress again, IT DOESN"T happen all the time.  Once in a while, but I try to keep myself calm.  My brother can stand me yelling at him, or raising my voice.  If I was in his shoes, I would tell him off. [/QUOTE]  Even once for something bad to happen some form of abuse is WRONG and needs to STOP! PLEASE SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY!

[QUOTE=confused] I really don't want anyone to think that I'm in a dysfunctional family.  Because it's not. [/QUOTE]  It IS an abusive family and you need to realize that, admit it and take the steps to recovering.

[QUOTE=confused] We have our days just like every family out there.  It's just that I've gone and put out alot of the bad ones for you to read.  Please don't judge our family in this light, remember this is only one sided.  I guess I want to let off some steam. [/QUOTE]  Every family out there doesnt have siblings causing one another to need stitches or parents utting bruises on their children!

[QUOTE=confused]  I don't want temporary custody of my brother.  Our family has our own ways of loving each other, it may not be conventional, but it's not that bad.  We are fine, but thank you for your concern. [/QUOTE] That just haunts me! The way it first sounded like you were trying to protect your brother and care for him and then it turns around you have abused him. I understand families have their own way of loving each other, but please understand what you have said here is abuse and it needs to stop. I have said that over and over again. I'm not trying to sound mean or nasty but trying to stress the importance that this is NOT NORMAL and something needs to be done NOW! ABUSE IS ILLEGAL!

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotion al_sexual_neglect.htm
Child Abuse: Types, Signs, Symptoms, Causes and Help
On this page: Definition of child abuse | Types of child abuse | Physical abuse | Sexual abuse | Emotional abuse | Neglect | Signs and symptoms | Causes | Results | Help for children and teens | Reporting suspected child abuse | Help for child abusers | Help for child abuse survivors | Preventing child abuse | Online resources | Related articles

Child abuse is both shocking and commonplace. Child abusers inflict physical, sexual, and emotional trauma on defenseless children every day. The scars can be deep and long-lasting. Unfortunately, the more subtle forms of child abuse such as neglect and emotional abuse can be just as traumatizing as violent physical abuse. Focused support can help both the victims of child abuse and the child abusers themselves.

What is the definition of child abuse?

Child abuse consists of any act or failure to act that endangers a child's physical or emotional health and development. A person caring for a child is abusive if he or she fails to nurture the child, physically injures the child, or relates sexually to the child.

What are the types of child abuse?

The four major types of child abuse are:

Another type of abuse is child exploitation (distinct from sexual exploitation). This is the use of a child in work or other activities for the benefit of others. Child labor is an example of child exploitation for commercial reasons. Using a child in this way detracts from their own physical, mental, and social development.

What is physical abuse?

Physical abuse is any non-accidental physical injury to a child. Even if the parent or caretaker who inflicts the injury might not have intended to hurt the child, the injury is not considered an accident if the caretaker's actions were intentional. This injury may be the result of any assault on a child's body, such as:

Corporal (physical) punishment is distinguished from physical abuse in that physical punishment is the use of physical force with the intent of inflicting bodily pain, but not injury, for the purpose of correction or control. Physical abuse is an injury that results from physical aggression. However, physical punishment easily gets out of control and can become physical abuse. Corporal punishment is against the law in schools in some states, but not in others. In many families, physical punishment is the norm.

Hundreds of thousands of children are physically abused each year by someone close to them, and thousands of children die from the injuries. For those who survive, the emotional scars are deeper than the physical scars.

What is sexual abuse?

Sexual abuse of a child is any sexual act between an adult and a child. This includes:

The above acts are considered child abuse when they are committed by a relative or by a caretaker, such as a parent, babysitter, or daycare provider, whether inside the home or apart from the home. (If a stranger commits the act, it is called sexual assault.)

The legal age of consent for two people to have sexual relations ranges from twelve to twenty-one, and varies by state within the United States and by country. In most states, having sex with a person younger than the legal age of consent is against the law. Even if the two parties agree to the sexual relationship, it is still against the law. Each state is very specific as to its laws about sex with minors.

Sexual abuse is especially complicated because of the power differential between the adult and child, because of the negotiations that must occur between adult and child, and because the child has no way to assimilate the experience into a mature understanding of intimacy. Regardless of the child's behavior or reactions, it is the responsibility of the adult not to engage in sexual acts with children. Sexual abuse is never the child's fault.

Sexual abusers can be:

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse is any attitude, behavior, or failure to act on the part of the caregiver that interferes with a child's mental health or social development.

Other names for emotional abuse are:

Emotional abuse can range from a simple verbal insult to an extreme form of punishment. The following are examples of emotional abuse:

Emotional abuse is almost always present when another form of abuse is found. Some overlap exists between the definitions of emotional abuse and emotional neglect; regardless, they are both child abuse.

Emotional abuse of children can come from adults or from other children:

What is neglect?

Neglect is a failure to provide for the child's basic needs. The types of neglect are:

Physical neglect

Physical neglect is not providing for a child's physical needs, including:

Educational neglect

Educational neglect is the failure to enroll a child of mandatory school age in school or to provide necessary special education. This includes allowing excessive truancies from school.

Emotional (psychological) neglect

Emotional neglect is a lack of emotional support and love, such as:

When authorities examine emotional neglect, they take into consideration cultural values and standards of care, as well as the level of family income, which may interfere with proper care.

Some overlap exists between the definitions of emotional abuse and emotional neglect; regardless, they are both child abuse.

What are the signs and symptoms of child abuse?

If you suspect child abuse, but aren't sure, look for clusters of the following physical and behavioral signs.

Some signs of physical abuse

Some signs of emotional abuse

Some signs of sexual abuse

Sometimes there are no obvious physical signs of sexual abuse, and a physician must examine the child to confirm the abuse.

Some signs of neglect

What are the causes of child abuse?

Why would someone abuse a child? What kind of person abuses a child? Not all abuse is deliberate or intended. Several factors in a person's life may combine to move them toward abusing a child:

No one has been able to predict which of these factors will cause someone to abuse a child. A significant factor is that abuse tends to be intergenerational - those who were abused as children are more likely to repeat the act when they become parents or caretakers.

In addition, many forms of abuse arise from ignorance, isolation, or benign neglect. Sometimes a cultural tradition leads to abuse, for example, such beliefs as:

What are the results of child abuse?

Child abuse can have the following dire consequences:

The results of being abused as a child vary according to the severity of the abuse and the surrounding environment of the child. If the social environment of the family or school is nurturing and supportive, the child will probably have a better outcome.

Results of physical abuse

Physical abuse may result in:

Results of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse can result in serious behavioral, cognitive, emotional, or mental disorders.

Results of sexual abuse

Some results of prolonged sexual abuse are:

How can I get help if I am a child or teen who is being abused?

Call the National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

Some kids are afraid to report the abuse because they fear punishment, loss of love, or family dishonor for telling a secret.

The hotline will make sure you are protected from further abuse. They will help you to report the abuse to an agency that will make sure you are safe. The hotline staff members will call Child Protective Services or the police and stay on the line in a three-way call to help you talk to the agency. Even if you have told the person who is abusing you that you will keep a secret about the things you do together, it is okay to call the hotline and get help for yourself.

The hotline can help you find ongoing support from caring adults. It is not your fault that you are being abused, and you need help from other adults to protect your safety. If the abuse is within your own family, you need protection while your family learns new ways to act with each other.

You may wish to learn to protect yourself against someone who may try to abuse you. Several organizations can teach you to say "No" with words and by your actions.

How do I report suspected child abuse?

Many people don't know where to report suspected child abuse. Also, some people are afraid of reporting child abuse because of possible repercussions to the children or to themselves. In many states, it is required by law for all citizens to report suspected abuse. Each state has a different procedure for reporting abuse.

From any state, to get immediate guidance and help when you suspect child abuse, call the Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline:1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

The National Child Abuse Hotline will give you the local agency for you to call to report the incident. The abuse report must eventually go to an agency within your own state.

You probably will be relieved to know that:

Remember that suspected abuse is sufficient reason to make a report to authorities. You do not need proof. Your call may make the difference in the very life of a child.

How do I get help if I think I may abuse a child, or if I have already abused a child?

Call the National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

The hotline can talk you through a parenting or caretaking crisis and offer guidance about how to better handle the situation. You need help and support. The hotline can find out about parenting support groups for you to attend, or local counselors who can talk with you.

To educate yourself about discipline techniques that work better than physical punishment, refer to the links at the end of this article.

I am a child abuse survivor; where can I get help?

The National Child Abuse Hotline can lead you to a support group in your community for survivors of child abuse, or they can offer one-on-one support: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

Child abuse is a trauma, and you may have developed post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). You may find that you are more fearful than other people, as if the traumatic event were occurring in the present. You may also re-experience the trauma with flashbacks and nightmares. And you may have become unresponsive and numb to other people and events as a way of protecting yourself psychologically. Given support in a safe environment and from caring individuals, you may be able to recover psychologically.

How can child abuse be prevented? Is there hope?

Child abuse tends to be cyclical, repeated generation after generation. A child who has experienced trauma may repeat the pattern by growing into an adult who delivers trauma to the next generation. The only way to stop such a cycle is to work with parents, prospective parents, and other caregivers who seek help or who are referred for help. Mental health professionals particularly wish to help those who find themselves about to repeat the pattern of traumatizing children. The avenues that offer hope are:

Online resources about child abuse

General information

Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) is a nationwide 24-hour telephone hotline that offers support and advice to:

Recognizing Signs of Child Abuse, from KidsHealth, is a general article about child abuse. It includes signs and symptoms, types, and what to do if you suspect or recognize child abuse.

The Impact of Abuse and Neglect on the Developing Brain, by Bruce Perry, MD, discusses the impact of abuse and neglect on the developing brain of the young child, creating lifelong response patterns of hyper-alertness and fear. Explains how early intervention can help the child to return to a state of feeling safe and in control.

Effects of Child Abuse, by Jim Hopper, gives a sophisticated approach to the complex effects of child abuse. He points out that certain risk factors combine with protective factors in a child's upbringing so that the outcome of child abuse is variable across individuals.

Disciplining children without spanking or other physical abuse

Child Discipline and Punishment, from IndianChild.com, is a concise article specifying the difference between child discipline (which is good to strive for) and child punishment (which can lead to abuse).

What the Research Says About Physical Punishment, from Positive Parenting, is a comprehensive article about why spanking and other physical punishments don't work well. Spanking does not "teach" anything, other than that physical violence is acceptable. Parents who do not spank their children gain better control of their children's behaviors because the children learn to control themselves, rather than wait for the outside enforcer who physically punishes all wrongs.

Discipline Techniques, Methods describes three techniques of discipline: Authoritarian, Permissive, and Democratic. This article from IndianChild.com implies that the Democratic technique is best for the child's growth into a mature adult.

Child Discipline Guidelines, from IndianChild.com, outlines some basic techniques for disciplining your child.

A Workable Time-Out (scroll down the page to this title) describes Thomas Phelan's 1-2-3 Magic child discipline technique. This widely used and successful technique for disciplining children from 2-12 involves simply counting instances of misbehavior without emotion, explanation or discussion. The third instance (or the first, for serious problems) then requires the child to take a time-out or other appropriate non-violent repercussion. This technique is especially effective for children with AD/HD.

Preventing and detecting child abuse

Following Simple Rules May Prevent Child Abuse is an article from Childhelp USA that offers some ways to try to prevent abuse of your child. Examples are:

3 Things "Good" Parents Do That May Harm Their Child, from Childhelp USA, describes three parental actions that seem innocent, but may harm a child. These are:

Protection from child abuse on the Internet

Children's Online Privacy is a very helpful discussion and extensive resource listing about Internet safety for your children. The article discusses family safety rules for Internet use, filtering software, online marketing to children, kidnapping and sexual abuse initiated via the Internet, and specific safety tips for teens.

Child Safety on the Information Highway from Safe Kids, describes the risks posed by the internet, suggests guidelines for parents, and includes specific agreements for children to make with their parents regarding their internet use.

Physical abuse

Shaken Baby Syndrome, from Medem and the American Academy of Pediatrics, describes the results and warns about the consequences of shaking a baby.

Shaken Baby/Shaken Impact Syndrome, from KidsHealth, covers the causes and repercussions of Shaken Baby Syndrome (SBS). This type of child abuse is 100% preventable.

Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome, from KidsHealth, describes the sad condition wherein a caregiver reports or induces a host of medical illnesses for a child. They take the child to doctors and hospitals in an effort to diagnose the illnesses, but professional medical personnel may miss the real explanation for symptoms. This kind of abuse is often fatal.

Sexual abuse

Talking to Your Child about Sexual Abuse, by KidsHealth, focuses on educating your child about sexual abuse and creating an environment of trust so that your child can confide in you if sexual abuse does occur.

Mother-daughter Sexual Abuse: Breaking the Silence clearly describes mother-daughter sexual abuse. Because of its rarity, health professionals may not recognize the signs of this kind of sexual abuse and may not report it to the proper authorities.

Legal Age of Consent is a site specifying the legal age of consent for sex between a male and a female; two males; and two females, for many countries and for many states within the United States.

Athlete abuse

When Sports Aren't Fun for Kids Anymore is an easy-to-read essay on children's sports coaches who abuse children. The abuse ranges from making insulting comments to slapping.

Parenting: Dealing With Abusive Coaches is an article from Psyched Online, a magazine about enhancing sports performance through knowledge of sports psychology. This article speaks briefly about coaches' abuse of child athletes, and then offers constructive ways for parents to address the problem of athlete abuse.

Clergy abuse

Why child abuse goes unreported discusses the rift between child protective services and clergy regarding the reporting of child abuse, with the culture of forgiveness and confidentiality, as well as the desire to resolve problems internally, being common to churches. Includes examples of the variety of state laws affecting clergy in this regard.

SNAP: Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests, at 1?877?SNAPHEALS (1?877?762?7432), offers online as well as phone support for sexual abuse from priests, even for abuse that is decades old.

Sibling abuse

Sibling Rivalry or Sibling Abuse? brings up the fine line between sibling rivalry and sibling abuse. If a child's behavior erodes the self-esteem of a sibling, that behavior is abusive. Siblings abuse one another to gain power and control. Sibling abuse is rampant and can consist of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.

Bullies

Dealing with Bullies, from KidsHealth, lays out in simple language what a bully is and what to do about them.

Bullying and Your Child, from KidsHealth, discusses many aspects of bullying: types of bullies, why kids are bullies, what to do if your child is being bullied, and what to do if your child is a bully.

Parental kidnapping of children

Parent Child Abduction is Child Abuse is a psychological article that presents the hypothesis that child stealing by a parent is a form of child abuse. This kind of kidnapping often occurs after a separation or divorce when the parent who does not have custody takes the children away from the other parent. Discusses in depth the psychological ramifications and results of the trauma of parental child abduction.

Recovery from the trauma of child abuse

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is Judith Herman's discussion of people's classic PTSD behaviors, their resilience, and their healing.

Self-protection

Self-Defense classes from the Washington Area Model Mugging group and IMPACT International, offers a world-wide list of self-protection/street-smarts classes. These classes usually include verbal self-protection techniques as well as physical techniques to strike and then escape. Many of these courses provide a fully padded instructor to fight against. Some organizations have special classes for children or teens. Instructors have been trained to be sensitive about revelations of past abuses that come up in class discussions.

Self-Defense Basics, from TeensHealth, discusses verbal, psychological, and physical means of protecting yourself against abusers. The article includes sections on reducing the risk of dangerous encounters, when to physically fight, and de-escalating frightening situations.

Related articles on Helpguide

You do seem to have a short fuse.  But what is so confusing is the eval that you took him in to.  Why didn't your mom or dad do that?  You said there was never a report on it.  If it was an eval there would be a report somewhere.  You also said that at one point she rushed him thru the answers.  Could it had been a eval where part of it is timed?  I know when Jeffrey was evaluated on putting together puzzles, he was timed.  I know when SSI does their re evaluations they time them on that too.  NOw if it was an SSI re evaluation you would not get the report.  That is the way the law is.  You said your mom is involved in the IEP's but you act like the parent?  Why doesn't your parents discipline him?  You do come across as almost a parent. YOu said your brother will let you yell at him.  Maybe because he is accustomed to that?  Or he is buying favor with the abuser.  Kids do that.  Or maybe the yelling is easier to take than the physical abuse?  But I would also say you do have a very dysfunctional family if abuse is very common in that household.

Tammy

I am getting a bit fustrated at the sense that there are some accusations being tossed around.  I'd prefer to have this thread pulled if possible, because I really feel like I have aired out my dirty laundry even though this is annonymous.

I would like to clear a few things though to those who are continuing to read this thread.

I am no longer aggressive in a physical way.  It hasn't been like that in years now.  Although I do admit I have a temper at times, I don't yell everyday.  I am hurt to say in the least, that alot of people think I should be out of the school where I am right now.   Because I am NOT an aggressive person by verbal or physical abuse in any way with the kids nor with my family. 

Just to clear the air, when I go in for my two hours everyday.  I help with feeding children, I work with mobile children, but they need help with their lunch, going to the washroom.  Afterwards we will play, they go into the yard, and so forth.  I have had two girls with down syndrome who are 6 - 7, yell and hit me or slap me.  I don't raise my voice as loud as the other people there.  However I would like to add, we do not abuse our kids.  An outsider looking in may think that, and I used to think that before I worked there but we love our kids.  When a child constantly begins hitting other kids, you raise your voice to tell them to stop or "no hitting, that's not nice". 

I also work with another boy in another class, who will spit in your face (I am talking not little sprinkles) if there is a change in routine.  I am trying to bring across the point that I do like working with the kids, and I think it is safe to say it is mutual. 

It is difficult to come on here, and pretty much have some people label me nothing less than a monster which I am not.  As for the father's day dinner, if anyone really re-read it, my brother had gone to the table behind us, taken a napkin while there were people sitting there.  We talked about it, it did not get out of hand as it used to in the past.  Please note THE PAST.  Initially I had told him that I would take away his rewards as a form of punishment.  Since then I have given them back to him, but he does not seem to care if he does something bad (purposely annoy someone to get a rise) out of them, I will tell him don't do it again or you will lose your points.  He doesnt seem to care now, because he knows he will eventually get his points back.

I know that nothing I can say will convience anyone anything at this point other than the negative aspects of my life.  I guess that is one of the reasons why I am reluctant to talk to other people, all be in the form of forums online.  Because it hurts when people begin to make accusations about you that are not true. 

Although it may seem like a dysfunctional family, I know in my heart that we all love each other.  It is true that you learn from your mistakes, which is why things have changed alot. 

I feel confident in the field that I have selected, because I know myself better than anyone else here.  sometimes things can be read in the wrong context, which is why I am gearing towards not posting on forums because of the reaction I seem to be getting. 

I took my brother to get re-eval because I wanted to know for myself.  I am certain that it seems like I do alot, but like I said I dont do that much. 

While I understand your level of concerns where you are coming from I know who I am and what I do. 

I remember alot of things in great detail, does that make me a person with big issues Ms. Steelers?  I don't think so, because I just have a good memory.  If you had something traumatic happen, many remember it vividly.

Again as I emailed you Ms. Steelers yesterday I'd really appreciate it if you could pull my two threads.  I really feel embaressed and ashamed that I have come on to tell my story and I am sorry.  I had no idea that I would feel this way, or that I would get this reaction.  I have tried to state that this is in the past, and I do feel guilt, but it seems to be misinterperated.  Best of luck to all of you

If raising your voice at disabled children is a common practice at the school you work at then all of their federal funding should be taken away.  You can be in denial all you want but with your post right there you want to wash all of the abuse  you have had or have done to your brother washed away.  I know I would not like anyone with that short of  a fuse working with my kids.  Kids tune out adults and these kids tune out adults faster.  And yelling gets you nowhere.

Tammy

I am 28, I just wrote 27 and remembered I had my birthday not so long ago.  So you can see there is an age difference.  I have gone to counselling, but sometimes in between I feel I don't know what I feel.

This is going to be long, but here goes.  I had a hard time with my brother's behavior when he was younger.  This gets worse.  I used to use physical force to repremand him (the same way it happened to me).  I don't really know if you can classify it as physical abuse, I tend not to think so.  There were times when I was younger like 6 - 10, and I would do things, when I was told not to do something or whatever I remember talking back.  When I did it enough, I got slapped (don't like the term beating) and it never got too out of hand.  Though sometimes my father would be heavy handed and occasional there was a bruise (again this didn't happen all the time, but when it did it would escalate).  When I would be crying, they would tell me to apologize and I refused.  Somehow I liked being defiant, even though it brought more pain. 

My brother had this period, where he liked throwing things away or clogging the toilet by dropping things in there to get stuck.  One time my baby cousin was over, and I was waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up.  I got angry because he didn't show up or something.  My brother was doing something, and I got so mad I threw him against the wall, and his head hit a lock thing (a long lock, that you slide to lock) the handle that the lock locks into.   He cut his eyebrow, and I remember him crying and my grandmother holding him as the blood came gushing out.  My boyfriend arrived within 10 minutes he was quite far, and got us to the hospital.  I remember my brother lying down, as the doctor put stitches into him.  I can still hear him crying as the doctor tried to calmly put them in.  I can't imagine having that done to me, let alone a 8 year old.  Even typing that part makes me cry.  For years my parents used to say "what kind of a sister does that to a brother, look at his eyebrow" he has a scar there.  I remember one time trying to talk to one of his teachers, and she said something along the lines of "what kind of a sister does that", but she was very strict and mean to my brother.  She tried to get my mom to buy soya sauce from chinatown and pretended that she would pay my mom back, but of course she said don't worry about it.  They sell soya sauce in all supermarkets here.

After dating for two years, my boyfriend left me.  I was devastated and had a hard time coping.  Previously another emtionally abuse bf told me as he left me something like I treat my brother and sister badly.  (He was jealous that whenever we went out, I would bring things home for them).  But those are two different things.  It took me five years to get over my last bf, during this time though I really looked at my brother differently and it's not pitty I felt but I wanted to make a difference.

I don't want anyone to think that I do alot for my brother.  Because on the surface it may seem like that, but it's not.  Please remember, that you are only hearing my side.  I feel terrible when I read posts from others thinking that my parents are doing a horrible job.  I take it upon myself to be in Steven's matters.  I don't have to, but I want to.  I'm not complaining, and I really don't think I need any praise.  I need him more than he needs me.  I think we can contend to that, and have felt that way. 

My mother does do her share, she is the contact for school, IEP etc.  My dad takes care of my brother as well, and my grandmother too.  They cook and clean and all that.  I feel like I get to do the fun stuff, planning the day, activities, and I share his interests.  I think it was very hard for my parents at the beginning.  I remember when my cousin was born, we went to visit him in the hospital.  My father pointed to some pictures of babies on the wall and said something like, your brother has the mind of a little baby.  He didn't say it in a mean way, he just said it as a matter of speaking or I think he may have had a smile.  I can't remember.

When I really started getting involved with Steven a few years back, this is probably going back to five or six years ago.  I wanted Steven to have an analaysis I can't remember what you call it.  But to get an idea of his speech and his behavioral.  Well after meeting one of the speech people, the woman was very rude in my opinion. 

When we were talking, I told her that Steven also liked Thomas the Tank engine, she said "oh my son used to like that when he was little".  I find that offensive.  Just because it's a children's show doesn't necessarily mean only young kids watch it.  She began testing my brother, and got impatient with his answers and hurried it.  Later on she told me I think he was in the same room, that his intelligence was that of a mentally retarded.  She said she would call my mother and write a report.  We never got anything, and I was very upset at that evaluation.  My brother was high functioning and verbal, it really broke my heart.

Needless to say, although I am temped to have him take an I.Q. test, I don't really think it's relevant.  Sometimes it's not even accurate, although I am curious what mine is.  I don't want to put him through that.  He can read and write, I can't tell you how proud I am.  I don't want to take credit, because I really feel like he has evolved and done alot on his own.

I really need him more than he needs me, I mean he makes me laugh alot.  He sees things in a differently light than I do, and when he mentions them I think and go 'oh yeah, you're right'.  I do occasionally lose my temper with him, I'm not perfect.  Sometimes it gets pretty bad, we will argue or fight.  I want to stress again, IT DOESN"T happen all the time.  Once in a while, but I try to keep myself calm.  My brother can stand me yelling at him, or raising my voice.  If I was in his shoes, I would tell him off.

I really don't want anyone to think that I'm in a dysfunctional family.  Because it's not.  We have our days just like every family out there.  It's just that I've gone and put out alot of the bad ones for you to read.  Please don't judge our family in this light, remember this is only one sided.  I guess I want to let off some steam.

For Ms. Steelers (I don't know how to use the quote opinion, sorry).  I don't want temporary custody of my brother.  Our family has our own ways of loving each other, it may not be conventional, but it's not that bad.  We are fine, but thank you for your concern.
Take care

Any time you use physical force to make a kid on the spectrum "behave" it is abuse.  There is no way around it.  You said that you got a few bruises when you were a kid.  Today that would be called child abuse.  And you did injure him enough to require him to have stitches.  Maybe you feel guilt over that.  These kids learn by example.  And all the physical abuse you put out there is not gonna make their behaviours go away.  It is part of the disorder.   Why were you blaming your brother for your boyfriend being late?  As far as sticking things down the toilet, alot of these kids on the spectrum do that.

Tammy

I know now that alot of kids on the spectrum clog toilets, destroy things etc.  Problem was, we didn't know that was the case before.

Thank goodness there is no physical force used, my father learned that physical force is not the route to go. 

I can't remember if I was mad that my boyfriend was late, or if my brother was doing something.  I know it was a long time ago, but I think he was acting out, and in a moment's fustration I pushed him.  I'm not proud of it at all

You never push and you don't raise your voice to any kid, no matter if they are on the spectrum or not.  All that does is reinforce the bad behaviour and teach a child that raising your vioce and violence to a degree is acceptable.

Tammy

Confused,

I like it has already been mentioned would suggest you get into some sort of counseling for your guilt.  Many of us do things to our siblings growing up that we regret after we are grown.  I think that the fact that your brother is autistic has probably now made it seem worse to you and maybe that is where the guilt is comming from.  Everyone has sibling rivalry growing