I totally feel this way as well. I most often feel like I'm not doing enough that is useful for my daughter. I try to get her to be engaged and interact with me, but I always worry that it's not challenging her or stretching her as much as she needs to be stretched. I also understand that she needs a little while to herself, to calm herself, and if she doesn't want to let me into her recitation world I also try to just sit near her, or even join her in whatever she's reciting. I've watched the same videos with her over and over (ad nauseum) and so oftentimes she's amused if I repeat the scene (or whatever) over with her. It's probably not useful but she gets a kick out of it and it keeps us connected. A woman's life is always filled with guilt no matter what we do!
We are always multy tasking and feeling we are not doing
enough. There is always someone telling us we should do
more, be more, have more. Well.......it is time to stop
SHOULDING on your self!! Just like you need some down
time so does your daughter. If she stims or recites while
you do the housework, so be it.....it is not a time she needs to be
engaged. When you have time and want to include her in
learning to do chores accept that she may verbally recite things
as she dusts or picks up toys, or folds clothes. When she
is in school you may want to eliminate these behaviors as they are
distracting to others as well. Home is her free space
where she should be able to let it out......I know it can be annoying
but you can't be working on stuff with her 24/7......you will burn out
and so will she!
As for reading books by other parents.....no one mentions the times
they have lost it and yelled at their kids or inadvertantly let slip a
trail of curse words which their child now repeats.......oops.....that
wouldn't sound like they knew what they were doing! But I
almost guarantee it happens......we are all human .....and only have so
much patience! No one is perfect......it is
impossible......so don't kick yourself for being human!
I competely understand. When I realized DS has Autism, he was 15
months old. It took months to get a diagnosis and then get Early
intervention services. DS was 21 months before we finally got ABA
started. Needless to say I didn't want to just sit around as I
watched my son regress socially, his eye-contact slowly disapear.
I read Greenspan's book on Floortime and started implementing it. But
to be honest, I burned myself out.
Whatever therapy you choose- you can't do it 24/7. Hire college
students, ask for volunteers at church, grandparents, Aunts , Uncles-
whoever can connect with your child. Your child need constant attention
but you can't do it alone. Get Help!
These books: "Let me hear your voice", "Son-Rise", "The boy who loved
windows"- all of them the parents realized they can't do it alone. They
had help!
Well- that being said- the stress of it all affects everyone. Most days my house is a mess and my work has suffered.
Haha, too funny you mentinoned swearing. I was getting my son into the car and dropped everything I was juggling and said cr*p. My son repeated it.... it was the first word he ever said clearly :P :P
Now if only I can get him to say anything else clearly :P
I can totally relate to that guilt feeling of "not doing enough". The idea of "more" is just always hanging over you. My PDD son is two and ten months, and he could very happily sit on the floor arranging his blocks according to colors all day without any interaction. As he is in full time daycare with an aide and I work full-time as well, I try to let him (and me) have some chill out time when we get home. But I do try to make a point of at least 20 min to a half an hour of floortime a day. Sometimes he's sooo resistant, it can be so frustrating and feel futile, but I try to give myself little goals- like getting him to give me a block or ask for it back- and once it's reached I lay off for awhile. Sometimes I find that when I lay off, just sit next to him watching tv, then he comes to me and the best interactions occur. I have to say that this morning he said "I love you" for the first time ever. I know it's because of the song I sing to him (to end floortime)- "I love you a bushel and a peck...". But he wasn't quoting the song, he simply said "I love you"!! An unbelievable feeling.I struggle with that... I do alot with my son *but* now the school won't recognize the amount of help he needs the help because I re-enforce everything. Too much help and no one else will help :(
All you can do is the best you can with what you have. You can't make every experience an opportunity, you will burn yourself out.
You can't target a whole bunch of things, that will be too overwhelming for both of you. You have to choose your battles.
Be the best parent you can be, even if that means you have to take a break. That ensures that when you are ready to come back to it again, you will do it with your whole heart, not because you feel an obligation.
And find respit :) :)
I just talked to our therapist about this yesterday. We are in a transition period...getting ready to move to the states and I'm busy trying to find a house for us to live in when we get there (with good schools, and in our price range) which takes a lot of my time, on top of my regular stuff to do, I'm just not spending AS MUCH time interacting with Jakob, and I can tell already I'm losing him a little bit. The eye contact isn't as strong. He has even started lining up his legos again, which he hasn't done in months. We have 3 flights of stairs in this house, so when I'm doing chores around the house, I HAVE to put him in his room with a childgate. There's just NO WAY he can follow me around and "HELP". The guilt is really eating away at me. The special educator and ST told me when I'm overwhelmed and just don't have time for major interaction, just focus on maintaining our connection. Sit for a few minutes and do the brushing technique or a massage or sing songs. Just some things that don't require A LOT of my energy, but enough to still keep him connected with me. Just minimizing our goals this little bit til the whole transition is over, is such a load off of me. I think the longer our experience is with the disorder, the better we learn to strike a balance of worrying, helping the child and taking care of our everyday tasks and just enjoying our children as much as possible. Overtime you'll find your a balance of all these things that works best for your family. I agree 100% with what shakes said. I, too, feel a certain measure of guilt and have a nagging feeling that I should be doing more and engaging Luke whenever he finds "a separate peace". I feel bad that I don't have therapy for him 5 days per week, but I have a baby (due yesterday) and NO family who live in the area, with no friends able to help with transportation, so then the question becomes, just how much can I do on my own lugging around a newborn infant and a 35 lb toddler?? DH works full time, so it's all up to me. Anyway, I didn't mean to go on about my own life. I think shakes is right that there are certain things that are a normal part of life, such as doing dishes and getting the house a bit cleaned up from time to time. I think it's okay to let our kids 'space out' a little while -- as was said, that's kind of their coping mechanism and they need to regroup every now and then, just as we do. Just as long as we don't allow it for too much of the day (like shakes, I allow my son maybe an hour in total to do his own thing). From the sound of your emails, we can tell you're a very devoted and loving Mommy -- and that's the best thing for your dd (in conjunction, of course, to whatever other therapy she needs). Hang in there!! You're doing a great job!I'm sorry things have been rough for you and you daughter the last few days. i wwant to tell you that i don't think the feeling that i could/should do more will ever go away, there are so many things out there that claim to be the "sure cure" that i think everyone of us will question ourselves at one point or another. i stick to the tried and true therapies (for now and until i see scientific data that show positive results) we do aba, st and ot. but these things do take time to set up, whether it's thru early intervention or the school dept or any other program that involves asd, your dr should be able to point you in the right direction, depending on your daughters age. my personal belief is that "mommy therapy" is the best therapy. taking time and enjoying your daughter, doing things together. i don't let my son go off too long by himself, maybe altogether an hour a day. it's just my personal opinion that he needs structured activities and some super fun time to keep him engaged. about the dishes, don't feel guilty, that too is a normal part of life, unlike alot of the mothers in those books, we don't have nannies to look after the children. i found that if i incorporate him in some of my household chores , it's actually alot of fun ( warning, wear old crappy clothes while doing the dishes, it can get a little out of hand) when he wouldn't respond, i'd get of his puppets and talk in a funny voice, this would usually get his attention, it's not everyday a lion asks you to get your shoes. ( warning, the puppets sometimes have to get him out of bed and ask him to come down stairs for breakfast - but hey, whatever works right?) any who, the main point is every day, i just wake up and try, yes i said try because we are not perfect( if we were we'd all have published books in print right? LOL), to be a good mom to both my kids. if i find that somethings not working well, i go back to the drawing board, unfortunately no child comes with instructions and with any child, it's trial and error. eventually, you will find what helps her relate not only her world but ours aswell.