grandparents | Autism PDD

i guess some times its almost like people either go one way or the other . either way dont take any of it to much to heart . i spent years beating myself up over the fact that no one in my family or my x's wanted to have any thing to do with my boys cause of the way they are ( u know treating my boys like they where the biggest irrataion on the earth because of the way they act etc). and now im a little more sod them all its not my fault they are so self absorbed that they cant be bothered to learn about them etc . u do become a little more patient or dimisive of peoples expectations after a while . just today having seen my kids for the first time in 6 months my parents ignored them or moaned about them and i decided it was there loss .

ps hope ur baby delivery goes well xxxxx

Well, pretty soon I'm going to be moving back home and all my family will finally get to see Jakob. Haven't been home since he was 6 months old. I know that they will all be supportive and accepting, but I also can just hear it in their voices, that they can't wait to see what he's actually doing that is SO different than other kids. I think everyone wants to do their "own" evaluation. Renee, you already made me cry this morning, I don't know why, it's wonderful that you have such loving and supportive inlaws. Just so wonderful it made me cry for some reason.Yes I go through this same thing all of the time and my parents live 5 min away. They are getting somewhat better but have along way to go. My dad doesn't understand why if he asks Nick a question in his loud deep Grandpa voice why he hides and looks down at the floor. I have told him so many times that he will not respond that way. My mom she is a different story she thinks if I keep on top of my son all the time and make him mind he will just snap out of it and act normal. I have tried to educate them both without being to pushy, like sending them the autism facts sheet and other things i find helpful. They are starting to understand some it better than they did at first. My dad did not even belive the dx he said "That is a load of crap" and "he just needs to be made to mind" so we had a long way to go  with Grandpa. He still says things like "See he's getting better" like he is sick with the flu or something!!!! I have found that you have to choose your battles I know they love hiim and that they are kinda old school so it is hard to get them to understand that he is different and he behaves and learns different than my other children. I just grin and bare it when we are visiting them!!!

Both sets of grandparents live a long day's drive away from us so we don't see them very often.  It takes Andy a long time to "warm back up to them" again after not seeing them for long periods.  He's uncomfortable around anyone new to him.

Kim

hey kaviar,don't beat yourself up over it. you and your husband know in your hearts the progress he's made and that all that counts. maybe they just expect a lot more but with our kids you can't you take the little steps when you can get them and are greatful for them.

if it makes you feel any better my in laws really don't care how my son is or how's he's doing.lol. take care and stay strong.mom2carlo

My sister never says it out loud but I know what she is thinking everytime she see's Adam.  I think she gets excited along with me when I tell her all the little accomplishments that he makes and then when she see's him in person I think what happens is the little accomplishments still don't make him "normal" so I believe it makes her feel sorry for him or something..LOL  She also will ask him questions constantly and get in the floor with him..(like i can't tell she is doing her own little evals) LOL  Sometimes it is aggravating but I'm just thankful that she isn't in denial I guess..  Take care,

Karrie

 

 

Thanks everyone for your input.  It makes me feel better about things to know we're not alone in our parents not grasping the issue fully. :)  Like some of you pointed out, I guess they're still a bit in denial and they don't really understand the disorder that we're dealing with.  They, too, seem to think that if we keep 'forcing' him to do things 'normally' that he'll just follow suit and everything will be peachy!  (They were AGHAST this a.m. that I let him eat raisin bran with his fingers instead of 'insisting' that he use a spoon to eat his cereal -- heck, I'm just happy he'll eat it!)

I should be (and am) grateful that they're here (for THREE WEEKS! ) to help with Luke when the baby comes.  Maybe they'll understand things a bit better once they're with him a while longer. 

Kellie

My ds bio-dad's parents are in complete denial and blame my parenting or are making excuses as to why he acts the way he does. 

My mom is fab and we just have to keep my dad in check so he doesn't wind my ds up.... but now my son is older, we are starting to let him wind him up and deal with it... apparently we have to use natural conquences too :P  My son loves being wound up and my dad can keep pace for a couple hours but that's it, lol, my son seems to go on forever.  Luckily my mom can wind him down at bedtime.  My parents are very optimistic about Kieran, I think more to keep me the same way.  When I call upset, they always have supportive helpful things and so even if he is going backwards in some areas they focus on what is going well.  Frustrating they deflect what I am worried about but I am sure they don't want me feeling overwhelmed.

My husbands parents are happy to have a grandchild, but at the wedding a couple days ago didn't talk to him, just pointed him out as a grandchild?!?  I do not think they really understand.

Another thing I just thought of is the generation differences.  You know the older generation might expect one thing.  And some people still believe kids should be seen and not heard

Tammy

Reading through all of this had made me realize that what I once thought was an insurmountable obstacle has turned into a blessing. My hubbie was sent overseas for a year and he left me with his parents (whom I barely know because we have always lived 4000 miles a way). We have been there 10 months and I know that my inlaws now love and cherish my daughter for who she is. They cheer for her accomplishments and commiserate on bad days. I love the way my father in law interacts with her. You can see that he is so proud of her! I would have never known this aspect of them if we weren't in this situation. They share my hope and if they have anything bad to say about my parenting, they keep it to themselves.

Renee

nene38521.9135185185

Kellie First off Best Wishes for a safe, easy delivery, and a HEALTHY baby! You are fortunate to have your family who care enough to come help you. 

My mother wouldnt have much of anything to do with my son when we were speaking - she is AFRAID of him (her words).  My ex inlaws kept saying his cousin who was 3 weeks older did all those same things too that he was doing..... Finally I told them maybe she needed evaluated as well (they live several states away and have only seen him 3 or 4 times in his almost 10 years of life.)

Maybe your parents were just saddened that their hopes of you being wrong werent. Give em time, and just take it one moment at a time.

I totally understand about the denial.  My parents are very supportive but my mother-in-law doesnt want to see anything wrong with Dwayne.  She keeps refering to everything he does as 2 year old, sometimes I want to scream and say to her NO EVERTHING he does is not 2 year old.  Just like yesterday we took Dwayne to the zoo and she babysat our 3 mo. old daughter, we came home and I was telling her how happy we were that he called some of the animals Dog - which is a word we havent heard in 4 mo's, she looked at me like in the strangest way.  I can see it's going to take alot of time for her to see that Dwayne does have a problem, so for now all I can say is that I'm going to grin and bear it sooner or later I know that she will come to terms because I know that she loves Dwayne.

Kavier my mom sorta had that reaction.  Because I wouldn't let them drink stuff loaded with sugar.  And she said something to my sister.  Well my sister has two kids with disabilities and very calmly explained to her the situation.  And she understood.  I think grandparents are like that.  After all these are their grandchildren and they have high expectations.

Tammy

Yes, DH and I are encountering similar reactions from our parents.  What we realized is that they have waited years to be able to be grandparents...they are the ones who make themselve so excited about it, only to be let down when reality sets in (when they begin interacting w/ our daughter)  I relate it to what I went through...denial, anger (trying to place blame), remorse (blaming myself)and acceptance. 

Your parents just doesn't see your ds enough to really understand how much he has improved.  We look at the little improvements, ie they make eye contact w/ you or they initiate socialization.  These may appear to be minor to those outside your daily lives, but is major to us because we know that it means progress.

I don't have any advice, only (((HUGS))) because I know how you feel.  Just give your parents time, support and plenty of information about Autism.  They need to learn and understand it and your ds.

 

 

I need to vent a little.  My parents drove in from NY tonight.  For the past month I've been telling them about Luke's progress -- how he will say some new words, his eye contact is better, he's more interactive.  It's readily apparent to my husband and I.  We cautioned my parents not to expect miracles, but that Luke is a little better.

Well, I can tell by their reaction that they're very let down.  My Dad was completely overstimulating him, so of course Luke wouldn't talk and just kept running in circles and doing somersaults and climbing all over him ... and my parents couldn't understand why he wouldn't talk or sit still or always respond when his name was called.  I mean, I understood why ... but they did not.  So now their lack of enthusiasm for Luke's progress kind of has me down and questioning my own judgment.

After all, he's still autistic!  He's not going to be talking their ears off and sitting still or acting like other NT 2 yr olds!  Luke shows his best side when he's calm and relaxed.  Having my parents here really excited and stimulated him.  I kind of feel like they feel like I was blowing his progress out of proportion ... but as many here can attest to, we measure Luke's progress in baby steps, not in huge leaps.  Oh well.

Has anyone else experienced this -- telling loved ones about the progress their child has made, only for the loved ones to be disappointed that the child hasn't progressed by leaps and bounds?

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