How do I help poor Brodey? | Autism PDD

Today I took him to a bicycle rally in town and a friends graduation party. He was still pretty friendly but not like he usually is. He clings to mommy now or wants to be by himself.

Then I have my Hubbie who isn't allowed back home now (court ordered). He said when he had Brodey he was happy, never even asked for me and ate fine. This was before I got the baby back. I look at my poor sad emotional baby and worry that he might be telling the truth.

My sis watched Brodey when I stayed in Akron with Takoda for one night and she says he's lying. Brodey asked were's Mamma repeatedly for her. She also believes my DH brought Brodey back because he was getting sick. DH clams he was doing well even though I heard him coughing in the background of his phonecall.

When I took Brodey to his doctor the first day he was home he weighed a pound less then the weak before. I don't know how long he hasn't been eating because DH probably is lying.

I am so happy and relieved to have my baby home. I just want my Brodey back. Does anyone know what I can do for him? I know there are some military moms how do you deal with this?

I didn't realize the very few hours he normally sees Dad a week were so important to him. How do I get my toddler over this?

Takoda seems to be fine now. I don't see the behaviors as bad but he is still peeing himself more and eating less then before (we are also having a sudden heat wave in Ohio).

Sorry this is so long.

Nelle

Okay first of all Nelle, do you really believe anything that comes out of "dear hubby's mouth"?  And I use the term dear very loosely.  I warned you this is part of his plan, make you feel guilty.  To weaken your dissolve to have him come back.  And I don't care what anyone else on this board thinks about me after this post but I am gonna tell you the way it is.  As my lawyer asked me when I was getting my divorce, you have two choices here.  You either want to live or you want to die.  Because he already tried to choke you once that we know of.  And as my lawyer told me, next time you won't be so lucky.

As far as the clinging to you, he was separated from you.  That is what babies do.  And your hubby hasn't been gone that long for you to say it is not good for the baby.  What is not good for any kid whatsoever is growing up in an abusive household.  And that is what your hubby is.  He started out with the mentally, psychologically, and to an extent, sexual abuse.  He got tired of that and attempted the physical.  Now that you filed charges, he is trying the guilt trip thing.  Things won't change.  I can promise you that.  You don't know what he put that baby thru while he had him away from you.

As far as the military wife question.  What does that have to do with this?  YOur hubby tried to choke you!!!!!!!!!!!  And trust me if he choked you hard enough, you will never, ever be able to wear anything around your neck again.  You said Takoda's behaviours aren't as bad as they used to be.  Gee your hubby is out of the house so of course he doesn't feel as stressed out anymore. 

YOu have to forget about your feelings and put ALL of your kids interests first.  And quit buying his pack of lies.  Because that is all it is.  And he will never change.

Tammy

Hi Nelle,

First i am gonna say girl , you know that I like you alot.........and i think you are a great mom......................\

now with that said..........please, please don't buy into hubby's lies...........

Brodey has been put through a very traumatic seperation from you for  4 days(?)....ofcourse he is clingy and being sick is probably contributed to him being uposet all that time and lowering his immune system not mention the lack of his asthma meds and such..........didn't you say he smelled of Cigarette smoke ..........well ofcourse that is going to aggravate his asthma and being so terribly upset is not helping...........he is clinging to you afraid he will be seperated from you again............ofcourse hubby is gonna lie and say he was happy..........he is an idiot who does not have your babies best interest at heart.......please just give Brodey some time to see that he is not going to be seperated from mommy again .............as for dad, shoot him, or whatever but keep him away from those babies.........and Takoda is probably upset by the fact you have been upset and now his baby brother is sick an clingy.............just have faith and don't believe a word your hubby says............good luck.........please just reassure Brodey and Takoda that everything is okay and that you love them........Their security has been breached...............God Bless and Good Luck.............. Terri

Nelle! We are all happy for you that Brodey is home. He has been through Heck and so have you and the other 3 boys! Im sorry Nelle I really am. But I am sorry for the abuse you are going through and I am especially sorry for the abuse your children are suffering through. They dont have much choice in this, but YOU DO. YOU can stop it but YOU have to be strong and find the strength to STAND up after all the times he has beat you down! Sorry Nelle but I cant sympathsize with you for the kids if you think its best for their father to be back home. Because its never good for kids in this situation.

I am going to reach out and bet that Brodey is showing signs of something like Post Traumadic Stress Disorder! I bet he had trouble being taken away from you and CLiff brought him back because NO ONE wanted to deal with his crying for you any longer, HE didnt want to go to jail, he didnt want to take care of him (reason he was dirty), the list is endless!

Brodey isnt depressed because dear sweet dad isnt home, Hes STRESSED OUT BECAUSE OF WHAT HIS FATHER DID TO HIM Take him from his mother, shuffle him from place to place in hiding, sleep who knows where but not in his familuar bed, not have his familuar surroundings, not have his clothes or his toys or his brothers around. EXTREMELY STRESSFUL! No Wonder he wakes up crying at night,.... hes AFRAID, he isnt sure hes safe! I can understand why he would cling to you too..... SCARED of him coming back for him.

You have no idea what happened to him or where he was or what he was told! I can only imagine from the abuse his father has inflicted on you and your older 2 boys all these years, and now to even his own kids. He buys toys and does things with his own 2 kids because he loves them so much and because hes such a wonderful fantastic father,..NOT.. he does it to say look Im great and take away the focus of the fact that what hes really doing is trying to make YOU look bad and ABUSING the older 2 kids by denying them things and shoving it in their face that they mean nothing to him. And hurt you in the process because you love your children Thats why he says the older two are a throphey to you because he wants you to ignore them as well. Its SICK reverse head game garbage!

He says he had a strange woman taking care of Brodey. He tells you YOU are the reason hes not eating. Just more abuse to bring you down so you wont fight him. So you will take him back. 

Nelle Im sorry but hes playing head games with you. And hes done it to you for so long putting you down and belittling you and you have believed it for so long that you believe this too!

A dirty sick baby comes home after 4 days and its YOU? Well he was sick when he came home wasnt he? Why didnt dad take him to the Dr if it was YOU who neglected him? WHY did dad bring him back?

HEAD GAMES! You have to IGNORE What he says hes playing you hes trying to hurt you and hes using the kids to do it! HOW can he take better care when the baby didnt even have his MEDS!???? You can DIE from Asthma! Boy Father of the year material there! NOT!!!

Sorry nelle dont mean to sound harsh or anything but I cant stand how ABUSERS do this. THEY are wrong and turn it around on you!

Brodey isnt eating probably because of a combination of being sick and stressed out. No longer breast feeding because unfortunately hes been away too long and no longer "interested" I know it isnt fair to have someone else determine when a mom stops nursing but hes 16 months old not 4 months so at least it isnt like he needs a bottle instead now. Although I do understand the upset.

Why isnt he happy? My Gosh Look what he went through!!!! He needs time to readjust! Hes STRESSED out and he is going to need all the love and patients and comfort in the world that he can get from you!  Try to keep things VERY predictable for him. You probably need to call your CPS case worker and have him interviewed and consider councling for EVERYONE all 4 boys and yourself! YOU need to get strong and healthy again SO you can do the best you can for your kids.

As far as Cliff,..... What is happening right now as far as any visitation? I HOPE and PRAY he is court ordered NO CONTACT WHAT SO EVER UNTIL this can be resolved in court. Otherwise I am afraid he may take off again and this time with both boys for much much longer!

You said
Then I have my Hubbie who isn't allowed back home now (court ordered). He said when he had Brodey he was happy, never even asked for me and ate fine. This was before I got the baby back. I look at my poor sad emotional baby and worry that he might be telling the truth.

Do you really think Dear Sweet Hubby is going to say I screwed up? I shouldnt have taken him I was wrong hes sick because of me? NO WAY

You asked
I didn't realize the very few hours he normally sees Dad a week were so important to him. How do I get my toddler over this?

Any change is hard on kids give him time to adjust as I said keep things as calm and predictable as possible for all the kids it will help and try to see a councelor. They need to know they are safe and its done with They are probably fearing him coming back and it startign all over again.

You mentioned some military moms and how to help I am assuming adjusting to a departure from a parent. First off you have to realize you had to do what was in the best interest of your child and yourself! How is it any different than any other kid out there whos parents are divorced? My kids havent seen their father in 18 months its hard when he surfaces in and out.....  How is it different then when kids have a truck driver dad? Its just a new living situation Nelle. Hes been through ALOT GIVE THE KID TIME TO ADJUST!

As far as Takoda I am glad hes doing better! What about Your older 2 boys? Stop ignoring what its done to them.... Cliff is probably 3/4 of Jared's problems! These kids Need stability not to walk on egg shells. I wouldnt be surprised if Takoda and Jared bit made HUGE progress quickly once they feel secure that Cliff isnt around.

And Nelle DONT FORGET what this has done to you and how your kids will pick up on your stress too! Hang in there we will help you through it. But you have to stay strong. You have to make a decision Nelle..... Your kids need someone to care for them.... you go back to Cliff and you eventually wont be so lucky. He may take off with them for good... he may kill you or them ...... DONT TAKE THAT CHANCE!!

Nelle in case you need a safe place to go........ I suggest you call and find out about them and make a plan JUST IN CASE!  Calling 911 is good but unless you live SECONDS from a police station it aint gonna be fast enough!

Thought this might be near you........ if it isnt heres a link for places in Ohio http://literacy.kent.edu/Oasis/abuse/ohio.html

A.L.I.V.E., Inc.
P.O. Box 866
Steubenville, Ohio 43952
Business Phone: 740-283-3528
Hotline: 740-283-3444

Nelle.. listen to Michelle and help your family while you have a chance!. I laughed when you mentioned military moms...our kids are separated from their parents since birth..they don't know any better. My husband has been in Korea for 10 months (he has actually been back 2x for visits). I just tell my kids that Daddy is at work and they say o.k. After 2 weeks, they quit asking. My husband was just home for a week and the day after he left, Katie said "Where's my daddy?". Then she never mentioned him again.  It is a way of life. Your kids will be fine and probably better for the separation once you get the stress out of your life. Give Brodey time. Kids are amazingly resilient! (virtual rubberbands). Be strong for yourself and your family! Cyber hugs from Renee

I do want to make sure that the military statement wasn't to imply a comparison in our homes strutures just to figure out how to help my child adjust.

As far as backing down and letting him come back I have made social servies and local police aware of enough I can't back down. I don't want to back down. I just haven't said much here about the abuse because of embarrisment and shame.

Michelle stated it right my kids are spared only because he's away alot and when he's here they retreat to their rooms. He still has made their lives misrable and I have been trying to get help for the family for a year with counselors as I watch my boys get worse and Cliff blames it on me.

He is partically right I have let depression disable me instead of eliminating the problem (him). I have no plans to take him back, but because I was battered by a former Hubbie I don't trust myself not to buy into his BS so I am going to a support group called W.I.S.H  women in safe homes. I have always been rationalizing atleast he doesn't do this or that like my last two winners. I got out before but I have been to embarrassed to admit what we live with.

As for the question of safety I will check out the link you sent me. Cliff is not allowed near me or the kids because of the protection order. Right now he is following it but lining his and our friends up on his side. He plans to use the state of my housekeeping while depressed as his evedence that I'm unfit. I am told if I keep things in reasonable order he can drag anyone he wants in and it won't help because SS have documented visits to our home for the whole last year. Our worker stated she has been afraid it would come to this. Everytime I'm behind he parades them through and whe it's in order he doesn't have them over.

There will be a hearing June 23 to determine if the protection order is to be modified for visitation. I have free counsel lined up with SE Ohio based services. I am going to try to keep visitation out or supervised if it is ordered because I do feel he could try to snatch the kids again.

I do have it documented how Brodey came home and I'm going to call and try to get a family counseling session that is an excellent idea.

Thanks again for the support. I do plan to keep the kids intrest first from now on.

Nelle

Nelle,

I just wanted to say how proud i am of you, you are facing a serious situation head on. i 'm sending you my thoughts, prayers and love . please know that you will get thru this and you and your children will be better off in the long run. the best thing we can do for ANY child is to give them a safe stable loving home. you can do this and we are here to help you along in this difficult time.

all my respect,

Eileen

Nelle,

First of all sweetie... I want to say this I am proud of you for the steps you have taken thus far... you are doing good... you are doing the right things... and you DESERVE happiness and contentment.  Let me repeat that ok.... YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY NELLE.   Second... listen to EVERYTHING and I mean every word that Michelle and Tammy have said.  You and I have spoken in private and you know that I used to councel abused and battered women before I became a mommy *smiles*.  Everything they have said *inclucing Tammy's homework* is correct.  GO to counceling... take your kids.... Go to some by yourself... you need to figure out who you really are inside hun... That is why you keep walking into these unhealthy situations...It is 90% of the time why women are in abusive relationships... they forget who they are and what they want and let this sick man who knows nothing of her needs or wants or desires and only cares of himself take over.  There is another way Nelle.   It's you learning about yourself and never ever backing down from that again. 

I have shared this with one or two people on this board before privatly, but I'll share it for all to see now... and if everyone on here thinks I'm crazy or a freak, fine.... I personally don't care.   I was abused my whole life by my parents and as I grew up thought I'd never be in abusive relationship with a partner... WRONG... In one way or another they have all been abusive... up till I met my husband.  If it wasn't some guy using me for sex and money never really blatantly abusive, but using is a form of abuse also, it was some guy emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually messing me up big time. 

When I was 20 years old I met my husband online and we became friends while I was in my first year of college living on campus... when I was 21 we started dating and became engaged and were married by the time I was 22... we had Zach 4 months later. (*laughs* I became pregnant while planning the wedding ... woops)  My husband was different from every man I had ever dated, slept with, had a relationship with.  He didn't want to sleep with me right when we first met, even though we flirted like mad with each other online.  He never made me feel less than, or belittled me.  He never said something and didn't follow through (except the time He forgot to call me back, but that was because He ended up having to work *laughs*).  He has always made me feel like the most important person in his life besides Zach.  

Through my time couceling and talking to other women who had been abused, I also learned a lot of myself.  I learned what kind of person I am, TRUELY am.  I learned what I wanted in a partner.  And I was not going to comprimise.  This is what I learned. 

I am a "submissive" woman.  The deffinition of submissive is this... 

submissive

adj 1: inclined or willing to submit to orders or wishes of others or showing such inclination;  The deffinition of submit is this...  sub·mit   

1. To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.
2. To subject to a condition or process.