Actually the people I have dealt with so far have all had the attitude that no expert knows better tahn a parent and that parents are th expert on their child. I'm sure that may change over the years. Also Sharlet doesn't get much therapy so the people I deal with aren't very many. Been there.. They treat you like you do not have a clue what is going on.. At least that is my experience.. They people that i have been in contact with the school, dr's other care givers try to down play everything and act as if i know nothing.. It gets frustrating at times because as i know i know my child best not them..
Do you ever feel like the other people who deal with your child (doctors, teachers, therapists, or whoever) feel like they know him/her better than you do?
I was talking to a therapist at my son's school one day about an issue with his OT. I was asking her some technical questions when one of the other therapists walked into the room. She asked if I was another one of Jonathan's therapists (he receives private therapy as well as therapy at school, and sometimes the private therapist will have meetings with the school therapist). I told her no and introduced myself as his mother. She made the comment that she was surprised to hear the kinds of questions I was asking since I was "just his parent".
I am a former teacher, so I have some idea what goes on in a classroom, but I'd never dealt much with Autism until I had my own child. Jonathan's teachers all know that I used to teach, but the ones at the public school always treat me like I'm totally uneducated and uninformed. (Or that I don't know anything about my own child...)
Is it just me, or do the "experts" often treat parents like they're totally incompetent? I feel like they patronize me just so I'll stop asking them for information. I'm concerned about my child, but I get the feeling they just feel like I'm being nosy.
Has anyone else ever experienced this?
Yes, I know the feeling you feel as though you need to convince them of teh issues that you are dealing with. Or in my experience there is always "another" reason why things are the way they are and we as parents are overacting this has been my experience. I did go as far as to say I wanted them to come to my home fro 24 hrs from getting up in the morning to bedtime then see if they thoght I was overeacting. Yes, and I hate that feeling. We ended up moving our child to a different school. It was the right move, the staff we are dealing with now are awesome. All the bad behaviors my daughter exhibited last year and the year before have completely gone away. Her new teachers have commented that this isnt the same child as in the reports. I thank them and let them know that the staff is different and that has made a huge differnence.Sorry your having that problem. Its amazing how certian people treat others and think its ok.
Yes, our son's aid at school said to me one day "do you know how smart he is?" and I was just sooo angry that I said "YES, I DO SINCE I AM HIS MOTHER"About 10 years ago, I worked for a lawyer that represented disabled students against school districts. One mediation was simply amazing...the education professionals had the gall to talk down to the parents as if they were simpletons regarding their child's disabilities and educational needs. Finally, the lawyer asked the school administrators if they were even aware to whom they were speaking. When the administrator replied "X's parents, of course," the lawyer then formally introduced the parents using their professional names to the education experts in the room... complete with their multiple PhD's, MD's, and resumes which showed them to be the leading experts in their child's particular disorder! Needless to say, the education crew blustered through the rest of the meeting, lost the court case, appealed, and ultimately lost the Supreme Court decision.
Most of us aren't that highly formally educated, but a parent's ability to educate themselves on the things which most affect their child, and their intelligence to understand it in relation to their child, should never be under-estimated by "experts." However, sometimes as a parent, it works to our advantage to be under-estimated...then they never see it coming.
Yes I have experienced that type of treatment before. I've had experts tell me that his disability was all my fault. Then I would explained to them about Autism. I f they were still giving me crap about his behavior then I would tell them off.
The pros who try to treat me as "just his parents" usually get a rude awaking. Many times at meetings I've had to speak up and say HEY! I am not a fly on the wall!
Other times I've had the pros treat me great.
http://www.autism-pdd.net/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=6076& ;KW=from+a+parent
I copied this message and posted it on the fridge.
And I am no way trying to bash these teachers I am just saying that I KNOW that I know more about Autism and the way it effects my child then they do. Now with saying that he is being evaluated by the schools ASD specialist (which is why i think the teacher doesnt know much, because they have a specialist) , and she has noticed a lot of things in my son no one else has. Now with all the classes in the world I dont think anyone could understand another child the way the parent does.
I think virtually all the people on this board would sing the praises of the teachers here. But I've seen too many teachers and adminstrators dis what the parents know. This is not only not fair but it cuts off a VERY important resource for the District to use. In this situation, the old ad phrase applies -- "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." We parents have minds, and a smart IEP Committee MINES our minds. We ought to mine theirs, too. You are clearly a very committed, knowledgable and dedicated teacher. I've certainly learned lots from your posts over time. But not every teacher is like you and not every teacher is even required to learn what you have learned or is even given the opportunity.
Parents sometimes do get talked down to. In my own district, I don't see it that often. I have served many times as a Parent Member, which is a unique position in New York. New York requires that each IEP meeting (called a CSPE here for preschool and a CSE for school age) include an official member called the Parent Member. This is the parent of another special ed child in the same District. The Parent Member is there to provide support to the parent and to be a resource about parent supports in the community. Since I've been a Parent Member many, many times, I've seen how different parents get treated differently in my District (which is pretty polite to parents as a rule). There are some things that make the members of the Committee treat a parent better:
1. The parent's speech. If a parent has poor speech and uses poor grammar, that parent tends to get talked down to more often than a parent whose speech is not ridden with mistakes. This is true across our society and doesn't change just because it's an IEP meeting.
2. A parent who dresses up for a meeting as though it were a business meeting (which it is) is generally treated with more respect than parents who come in in "mommy clothes." I try to gauge my mode of dress based on what I know the Chairperson will wear. For Chairpersons who dress in business suits, I wear a business suit. For Chairs who dress more casually, I will try to match my manner of dress to theirs. This conveys the message that we are all on the same team. However, I will NEVER wear jeans and no make-up. I think that conveys a less-than-professional message and the person then gets treated in a less-than-professional way. BTW, I will often wear my fancy jewelry. Seeing real gold or real pearls sends the message that "mom and dad have enough money to get legal help." If the message that is sent is one of poverty, the district feels that the parents do not have the resources to go over the Chairperson's head. So I make SURE I wear my diamond rings and look the part of the well-heeled mom to the extent I can (I certainly can no longer afford to get nice jewelry, but they don't know that my nice things are ages old).
3. Bring with you a copy of your state's law and have it well-marked-up. You don't have to quote from it. Just have it at the ready. Have your child's info in a binder, too. Look very well organized. Have a notebook for taking notes. In fact, I always tape record every meeting. Even very minor ones. That way, they know that I am going to tape and taping doesn't send the message that this meeting is going to be any more contentious than any other. IEP meetings CAN be taped if you give notice ahead of time to the districts. But secretly taping them is only OK is some states and you'll find your state's laws on this outside of education law.
4. Write a well-written follow-up letter to every meeting. Summarize your understanding of what went on and thank the Chair and the Committee for their time. Ask them to write back if some of your "take-away" is incorrect. That way, you 'll have an important paper trail and you'll also be able to convey your professionalism. Make sure to use spell-check, though. Misspelling and bad grammar will only reinforce a negative image. Have someone else help you word the letter if you're not great at writing. But a paper trail is very important, so get in the habit of doing it.
I don't want to blame the victim by saying it's our fault if we're treated unprofessionally. It's not. But by taking the above steps, we can remind the school district that we ARE professionals and need to be treated as such. Our area of expertise is our children and the District should never forget it.
I have waited a long time to weigh in on this thread. I hesitated because I feel the thread borders on teacher-bashing which I hate.
I will say that my son's team last year had the nerve to disregard his IEP accommodations whenever they felt like it and it took multiple meetings and fights to get them to comply. This was after 6 years of special ed in the same district and the team members full awareness that dad is a psychiatrist and I am a special ed teacher. To me, this just proves that absolutely any team can be stupid idiots and talk down to parents.
However, while I have total respect for my parents being the experts on their specific children, I know much more about autism than all of them put together, and so does everyone on my team. Why? Because we have taken hundreds of hours of classes and workshops specifically to learn all of the current research and information. We also have worked for years, every day with many people with autism of varying ages. My parents as a group, have experience that is limited to the daily care of usually 1-2 kids with autism, all under the age of 10. This means that their experience and education is limited to (at the longest) about 10 years, and they frequently limit their research and understanding of autism to the specific type or severity they live with.
Parents know their children better than anyone else. They are experts in their children. This does NOT make them experts in, or give an automatic understanding of the disability. There has not been one internet article, or book ordered from amazon, or message posted on a forum, that has come even anywhere close to the information and understanding I have gained from taking graduate classes in speech and language development, sensory and physical needs of people with disabilities, autism spectrum disorders, methods and materials for teaching, teaching strategies, etc. etc. Pair that with years of practical application, observations and evaluations by professional peers to improve my knowledge and performance, and ongoing classes and research.
I realize many special ed teachers and teams don't have this expertise. Last year, I sat at a meeting and was told that when my son gets a job "no one will make accommodations for him". But let's not let those idiots totally detract from the people who really do have expertise we can benefit from and appreciate.
Ugh I get that all the time. In fact they tried talking down to me a lot at first like I was an idiot. But after the first IFSP meeting I attended they realized I am totally involved in everything and research everything to the fullest. They actually said to me at one point, you are doing so great for your son, I dont see many parents this involved.I have also experienced circumstances where the teacher tells me, "There's nothing more we can do...We have maxed out his services." Then they ask me what I want to do about it. This is what lead to my 6 month campaign to get him into SECEP (public school regional autism program), and those very words helped me to do it.
I agree that teachers cannot speak "freely" in IEP meetings. This is why I make every effort to speak with Andrew's teachers prior to the meetings, and whenever possible, "off the record". It takes a while to gain their trust, but it sure is worth it! Then you get the real truth instead of the BS, and you can prepare a response to the BS that comes up at the IEP meeting.
Anyway, just some thoughts...
Andrewsmommy has given one of the best tips for being an effective advocate for your child. Realize that usually the people at the IEP meeting have NO authority over the money in the district. School districts are full of this type of practice (for example, I supervise my paras, but I cannot hire or fire or give raises). So talk to the case manager outside of the meeting and find out what financial constraints and bureacracy the team is dealing with. Ask what you can do to help, who in administration they want you to talk to, etc. It is an absolute fact that administraters will say no, no, no to teachers who ask for resources, but when a parent asks, (and maybe threatens) suddenly the sea will part.