Ok I know we’ve had this topic before... | Autism PDD
Hey Linda...how long did your husband stay in denial?
My husband is in denial and has not come out of it. When I talk about Levi, he just says, "We have discussed this and WE decided that he is not autistic." Who exactly is "We?"
Anyhow I am pretty much the only one in my family that has totally accepted it and I am determined that Levi will serve the purpose God created him for.
My mom is trying, but she keeps saying things like, "You have to be careful, it sounds like they make every normal behavior as part of the autistic spectrum." "I bet in ten years they will decide a lot of these children were never autistic and they will have a different name for it."
Yet my mom is learning to sign to Levi and she says other things that make me think she is understanding. Maybe she is like so many of us...she keeps hoping that it will just be something he grows out of.
My sister in law does not want to have children now, she has decided that my family must carry bad genes...isn't that sweet
Not easy, but I think everybody is dealing with this the only way they can so I truly do not get offended much, other than my sister in law's attitude about precious Levi. But then my sister in law offends me about all my children. She wants to have perfect children that never cry as babies and only go to museums and are cultured (none of this watching Dora, Rolie, or Blue's). LOLOLOL!
Tammy
When we first told my Mom that Tony was diagnosed as mildly Autistic, she was in denial... she kept saying those doctors don't know what they're talking about & every other negative thing about their findings... I got so upset with her (my Mother & I were really close ...she's dead now
When my HUBBY first heard the diagnosis he too was in denial, so I told him that he could just not let the door hit him in the butt on his way out if he weren't going to accept & help! Needless to say, HE's been wonderful ever since!! Linda...aka Tony'sMom....aka MWN64 [QUOTE=JHERMAYN]
Hi, I can really relate to people being insensitive to what parents go through with autism. I realize that their ignorance is because no one can imagine what we feel or go through unless they are living it. Most of the time their comments aren't said to make us feel bad but it does. A long time ago a good friend told me something that I have never forgotten. I was upset about something someone had done or and said she saw how frustrated I was. She told me that if someone says or does something to you that brings you down, you should simply tell that person in a matter of fact voice (don't scream) I feel down etc. when you do or say that. I told her I don't think I could do that I would feel real uncomfortable doing that. She said, well, how bad do you feel when you don't. I had to think about that and told her I would try it. Well it works. I remember once someone told me that I should not allow my son to get away with ignoring me and if I put the fear of God in him he would stop it. I took a deep breath and said, " I really feel down when you say things like that. I am doing my best at parenting and it is very hard. I know you think you are trying to help me but when you say things like that it really brings me down not up". The person told me I'm so sorry. I didn't want to make you feel bad and never said anything like that to me again. My friend told me to think of that negative as a heavy package given to the wrong person and to nicely give it back and not accept it. She also told me that if this happens 3 times with the same person this person probably isn't a person who is good for you and should try to limit being with this person. I hope this helps you and anyone who reads this as much as it has helped me. Delores [/QUOTE] Wow that is truly inspiring! I will definately have to try that! Rachelle I can really relate to people being insensitive to what parents go through with autism. I realize that their ignorance is because no one can imagine what we feel or go through unless they are living it. Most of the time their comments aren't said to make us feel bad but it does. A long time ago a good friend told me something that I have never forgotten. I was upset about something someone had done or and said she saw how frustrated I was. She told me that if someone says or does something to you that brings you down, you should simply tell that person in a matter of fact voice (don't scream) I feel down etc. when you do or say that. I told her I don't think I could do that I would feel real uncomfortable doing that. She said, well, how bad do you feel when you don't. I had to think about that and told her I would try it. Well it works. I remember once someone told me that I should not allow my son to get away with ignoring me and if I put the fear of God in him he would stop it. I took a deep breath and said, " I really feel down when you say things like that. I am doing my best at parenting and it is very hard. I know you think you are trying to help me but when you say things like that it really brings me down not up". The person told me I'm so sorry. I didn't want to make you feel bad and never said anything like that to me again. My friend told me to think of that negative as a heavy package given to the wrong person and to nicely give it back and not accept it. She also told me that if this happens 3 times with the same person this person probably isn't a person who is good for you and should try to limit being with this person. I hope this helps you and anyone who reads this as much as it has helped me. Delores Heres just a thought.... Possibly our "well meaning" family members and friends.... especially those who don't see our kids very often.... just don't understand. We explain our concerns and what our children are doing or failing to do. Our friends / family don't see what we describe, so all they can do is invision somethign. And when you havent ever seen the extent of a tantrum of a kid on the spectrum you just can't imagine it. All kids tantrum, many kids are picky eaters, many have troubles sleeping, or potty training, Some kids have odd behaviors.... like to carry around a special favorite toy. Some kids are shy... the list is endless. So as we describe it they think well ok thats typical kid dtuff... you must just be stressed out.... having a hard time dealing with being a mom. Some kids are stubborn... some spoiled. And I think our family and friends just see what we describe as alot of typical stuff because they cant see it is alot of typical type behaviors TO THE EXTREME. It isnt a tantrum here and there for 5 or 10 minutes. Its this crazy world of puzzles that just doesnt fit. And when our kids are high functioning..... it makes it even harder to realize there is something going on. I dont think family and friends would intentionally hurt us or ignore our kids problems on purpose.... at least I hope not..... and those who dont see us or our kids for long periods of time.... they probably just think that our kids are acting up because they are a "stranger" to them. Like I said its just a thought. But yes... it would be nice to have support and somene to talk to and help you look and research and talk about it. Someone to validate our fears and whatnot. Unfortunately it seems even many who do have family nearby still dont have the support. I know my best friend constantly asks how I do it. How I manage and keep sane. LOL. She swears I have the patients of a saint. Doesnt anyone realize how incrediably hard it is. Especially alone with no support, I do it because I have to. I have no other choice. And I stuff the emotions back because theres no time for them. Anyways.... I try to give them the benefit of the doubt.... it hurts less that way.... at least for me. And I am SO thankful for the care and Understanding from this board! Yes...I think I was just feeling overly sensitive today. Sorry about that. It's just funny because the whole time we are there he never looked at her or her dd or said anything (not that he talks but he didn't even utter a sound hardly). He even got mad and started to hit himself at one point. I guess I saw the obviousness of the strange issues that I was like "how can you say he's totally fine?" lol. If he is then I'm REALLY confused! Because there is so much I cannot explain. Thanks for being there everyone. Amber
I hear you. Even after we had a diagnosis, my brother, who works with autistic children, couldn't accept it. He was like, "No, she not autistic. Autistic children do..... yada, yada". When I talk to my best friend on the phone she tells me, "I'm SO glad I never had kids!" That's not what I want to hear. I love my children and I am so glad they are here. I just need to talk sometimes. This board is a lifesaver!
I'm new to this board but I can tell it will help. I'm lucky to live very close to most of my family and they are all very helpfull with transporting to various therapies and pitching in when they can. The sucky part is my son's father. He lives far away and doesn't see T much and so . . . he believes that I just need to be a stay at home mom and T would be fine!
When people wonder how we do it or comment that they are glad they didn't have children I tell them that I have one of the biggest blessings in my two boys and I wouldn't change a thing. They will have hardships but I love them just the way they are and to choose not to have children in fear of the problems would really be missing out. I saw one of my good friends today that I haven't gotten together w/ in weeks. We met while we were both pg w/ our first child, so our kids have known each other literally forever so far. Anyway, I was telling her about the concerns and what's been going on w/ Aiden (his behaviors and such). I told her I was going through the eval process for asd, and while I dont know what will come of it, I took 8 or 9 online tests and they all put him in the spectrum. So the whole time we're there she just could NOT validate my feeling at all. I don't get it. What are people afraid of? Or what is their problem? Why can't they just say well I hope it turns out ok good luck w/ the eval or anything of the likes? Every time I mentioned a concern she was like, oh that's just like any little boy. Ok maybe it is. But how would she know? She has a little girl. She had sisters. Maybe she babysat when she was young I dont know..but still that wouldn't make her an expert. She doesn't see him enough and she hasn't done any research on autism, yet felt the need to add her two cents on everything. I really like her, but it made me aggrivated. The whole time it was "oh he's ok," and " I know a child that does that," etc etc. So I just stopped talking about it. And then even when I did she would still watch him and comment though I had dropped the subject. I understand people sometime might think when they say those things it can make us feel better, but it doesn't. I'd rather hear, "yah that makes sense I can see why you are concered." I have another friend that visited and during the whole thing was saying how she could understand and that she could see he was not being social and just made me not feel crazy. I wanted to hear I was wrong at first, but now it just makes me mad. I don't know why really, so I guess it's my prob and not the fault of other well meaning people. Anyhow sorry just a little vent. Amber
Kellie
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