downside of language proficiency... | Autism PDD
No, I don't think it is you. You are right, the word "fat" is hardly ever used in simply a descriptive or complimentary way. The word "overweight" may at times be used descriptively however, and even then people will avoid using it if they are polite. "Big boned" or "slightly large" might be the most polite way to describe it and even then it is also avoided or said quietly. Clinicians may use terms like 'overweight' or 'obese' but our society does consider it extremely rude to use any of these words in any other communication. It's something our society believes we should never draw attention to.
I think to describe a person, we think it's more polite to describe using clothing or hair color or height than qualities that our society thinks are negative.Venus,
I just don't know how to explain myself anymore. I know that I hurt you by saying that some of your son's comments show disrespect and lack of consideration for parents. I used him as an example of how important it is to teach good language skills and good social skills. As a mother, you instinctively came to your son's defense. But you clarified about your son and also clarified that Mike is not your son (despite the similarities). I have not spoken of your son after that point.
I said, "People can often tell the level of education we have achieved or our socioeconomic status by the language we use. And certainly people can recognize the social circle we belong to by our choice of words and how well we can manage our anger." I did not say "I" do this, I said PEOPLE do this and they do it all the time regardless of it being fair. You want me to tell you what I think of you based on our communication thus far, perhaps in an effort to show how shallow I am or how incorrect I am in judging you. Personally, I abhor making judgments on education and socioeconomic status using any criteria because I consider these to be irrelevant factors in determining my friendships. My friends are a wonderfully diverse bunch of moms and so long as they avoid profanity, speak honestly but courteously they will always remain my friends. We couldn't care less about each other's education or socioeconomic status because we just focus on our children. BUT that's the case in my own little sheltered circle of friends and that doesn't always hold true in society or in the job market. We know education may be VERY pertinent to some jobs and some employers are paying close attention to how we communicate in that job interview or how our social skills are in that interview or business luncheon. Good language skills and social skills, as determined by the norm, are necessary almost everywhere, including the military.
You say you didn't know this was a parents only forum. Well this particular forum is for parents or caregivers of autistic children forum. Caregiver can indeed be doctors, psychologists, social workers, therapists, nurses, foster parents...and of course parents too. That's what a caregiver is by definition. The common thing caregivers have is that they have issues pertaining to the care of an autistic child. People who don't have children themselves or who are not responsible for the care of an autistic child aren't caregivers.
I find bullet and gtto's input very valuable. There is definitely a purpose and place for their input. But the danger I also see in allowing nonparents who are ASD AND WHO ARE CHILDREN OR WHO ARE VERY YOUNG AND LACK MATURITY is that they might feel very hurt when they read what parents are truly thinking or feeling or what parents are enduring. Parents might be fearful of hurting them and not express themselves openly.
Do I qualify as the parent of an ASD child if my son doesn't have a formal dx yet? Well, the prerequisite to this board isn't that the child needs an official dx. Lots of parents get incorrect dx's initially. Remember my son is only 2 1/2 yo and it is harder to diagnose a very young child who might be showing more subtle symptoms. Yet early intervention is key if he does have it. So it is in his best interest for me to assume he has it and proceed from there, if only to make sure he gets all the help he needs NOW, while he is still very young and his brain is still in the early stages of development. My son has obsessions, he stares at lights, likes to spin things, and likes to play with toys inappropriately. I wonder how clinicians can miss all this. But anyhow, I have read books on sensory issues, speech issues, social skills, and only part of one book on ABA therapy. My son is in OT and ABA therapy. I would guess I fit in with many other parents on this forum and am equally entitled to share experiences, comments, and advice too.
Now, you have clarified about your son so let's not discuss him okay? But if a child DOES use words like "stupid" or "sucky"....I merely pointed out that using words like "stupid" or "sucky" when talking to or about anything related to our parents is somewhat disrespectful to them. If a teenager is unknowingly but equally as disrespectful in his language with peers, it may explain why peers don't understand him or don't like him. So I simply said we should help our children overcome these problems by helping them to understand why using such words or comments are considered insensitive or disrespectful and helping them to avoid using them. You couldn't seem to get past the initial hurt of having someone say your son was disrespectful to you to even consider the notion that maybe I just might be telling the truth.
Was I a hypocrite by breaching some social or language etiquette also in saying your son was 'unappreciative' or 'disrespectful' ? Probably. Rather than directly implicating your son or Mike's words in his blog, I could have just written about the importance of teaching our children how to speak courteously to parents and to peers and effective ways to handle bullying. Next time, I'll do better. But frankly, I was taken aback by the attitude and language as reflected in the post or blog. If the post or blog is any indication of how he also tends to communicate or be with peers also, it might explain why they don't get him. Lots of highschool kids use some mild profanity in casual speech. They use it to sound cool. but the nice kids intuitively don't like hanging around someone who might berate a parent's gift or insult their parents. Again, I'm not talking about your son because you clarified about him. I'm talking about language and social skills and what turns peers off.
I'm tired of beating a dead horse. I have to end this!!! I do wish you and your son well. Despite your disagreement and anger with me, you sound like a concerned and caring mom.
Our society frowns on obesity and being overweight. Our society seems to believe that if one is of normal weight it means they might be taking care about their body and therefore care about their health and well-being. This means they feel positively about themselves. Society also feels the reverse of this is true - if one is overweight or obese, they do not care about themselves or they think negatively about themselves. Anyhow, society considers it rude to point out that quality that reflects negatively on someone. So to say, "You are fat," or "You are unattractive," or "You are extremely short," or "You are not very intelligent," etc..etc...are all considered rude comments. Gtto, I agree it is also rude to tell someone they should lose weight. Again, stating the obvious is rude if it is regarding a quality society places a negative judgment on. Sometimes these statements can and are made between people who are very close and have the type of relatioship where they can say such personal things to one another.
I think society also tends to think it more rude if the comment is about a condition the person DOES have control over but chooses not to change. Most people tend to believe that obesity can be self-managed (although we know this is not necessarily true since some people have endocrine problems or it may be due to genetics). For example, if someone is blind it might be less offensive to ask, "When did you lose your eyesight?" as opposed to asking an obese person, "When did you get obese?" It might be less offensive to ask a person with a skin condition, "So how long have you had that skin condition?" as opposed to asking an obese person, "How long have you been obese?" The understanding is that the person is choosing to remain obese and society deems this the negative choice. Thus, it's impolite to expose it and cause another person embarrassment. Ah. Generally I don't mind being called fat if it's just a descriptor, it's if someone puts a value judgment on it I have a problem. Like if someone is pointing me out as the fat/autistic/bald/white/whatever woman across the room, that doesn't bother me. If they called me fatso and stuck out their tongue it might.
Wow, that is interesting. I would be insulted even if it was just a descriptor. I don't understand the difference because to me, using the word "fat" is rude for anyone and is always meant as an insult. Unless the word is used to describe something besides a person (as in "I would like a big, fat piece of pie") I don't allow that word used in our house. And really, I don't think I ever use it in front of the kids. I have always been on the overweight side - not quite obese (well, except when I was pregnant!) so I'm very sensitive to weight comments. However, I think most people are and I don't know of one person (besides you, gtto) who would not be insulted even being referred to in a descriptive way as fat. I think almost all people put a value judgment on it when they say it, but I suppose I could be wrong. If I was describing someone who was overweight I would probably refer to them as a big-boned or large person on the other side of room - never as fat. But, maybe it's just me!
"I think to describe a person, we think it's more polite to describe using clothing or hair color or height than qualities that our society thinks are negative."
I was called gingernut, shortarse and shrimp when I was at school.
Sorry, I couldn't resist pointing that out
Well I was big-boned even when I was quite skinny, so that one wouldn't work. Fat is about, well, fat, not bone size. 
I think some of it also is a cultural difference or a difference of preference: A lot of fat people I know prefer "fat" because it sounds descriptive, to the point, and not medical. Or else large/big/etc.
I know a woman whose child is Aspergers. He will tell his grandfather "You're fat, grandpa, you need to lose weight." His mother has tried to explain to him that it's improper to call anyone fat. He doesn't agree and tells his mother the grandfather needs to know for his own best interest - because it's unhealthy to be overweight."
I've heard alot of NT children call others "fat" also. Communication skills and social skills needs improving among all children. ASD or NT, there are basic rules of courtesy and if children violate them, they're less likely to make friends.
I don't think it's rude to say that someone is fat, it is rude (among many other things) to tell them they should lose weight. I mean, yeah, I'm fat, so what?
After reading all 9 pages, I have to say thank you Sunflowers. I totally do understand your POV. I have been told by all professionals that my 4 yr old will always be mainstreamed because he is very high functioning. So whether I like it or not, he is always going to be in an NT enviroment with NT people and I will have to prepare him for world and the only effective way I have seen so far is to throw him out there and let him experience everything and not give excuses that he is allowed certain inappropriate behaviour just because he is autistic.
I can say for a fact that since Michael learnt how to use basic words like " Please", "Thank you" " you are welcome" " May I please..." and learnt behaviours that deal with taking turns, waiting and sharing, he has had made more friends, parents of NT children are more forthcoming in letting him play with their children and his peers do not see him as the"bad" "rude" boy they should stay away from.
Yes...its ignorance on their part but 4-5 year old NT children do not know that and we can't teach them to play and communicate with our child. We can only teach our child to play and communicate with them and for him to be able to make friends, he needs to learn social behaviours that are similar to his peers.
I can't speak for all parents and their kids or Aspies or people in the spectrum but for my unique very high functioning autistic son, teaching him acceptable NT social skills and behaviour, although was hard on him at first and took months, they have helped him tremendously.
I don't think anyone was saying that we need to censor what we write because we know that autistic adults are reading. I know I don't. I haven't seen any flame-ups like the scenario you depict, though.
I think even adult auties will admit that the parents of autistic children have child-rearing stress above and beyond what a parent of typical children have.
I'm somewhat NT, and am certainly not offended when someone complaigns about the stress and troubles associated with rearing NT children.
I see your point, though. It would be nice if there was a forum dedicated to the exchange of ideas between autistics and non-autistics.
Frankly, I have more trouble/complaints about my 16 yr old, NT, top of her class daughter! I certainly have infinitely more patience for someone with behaviors they can not choose or control vs someone who can control but chooses not to.
Mary
fred, the OASIS message boards have just such a forum if you are ever interested. It is entitled Parents asking Adults w/AS. However, it is restricted and only adults with AS can respond - not other parents. So, you can ask a question, but you are not allowed to contribute to a question that another parent has posed. You can, however, start another thread. The OASIS guide was written by Barb Kirby and Patty Romanowski several years ago and was updated last year. It is for parents of children with Asperger's, but I go on the board as my ds has a lot in common with kids with Asperger's - just not the severity of symptoms which is why he has a PDD-NOS diagnosis. He is also more social than most children with Asperger's. Anyway, Barb and Patty both moderate and it is really cool to get insight from them occasionally. Both have responded to postings that I have made and I have learned a ton from them. You are screened and you have to be accepted to be on the board though.
BTW I thought you weren't getting into this... Well, all I brought up was the issue of a teenager calling his mother's questions stupid and teenagers berating a parent's gift with words like "sucky." Of course both were totally clarified and apparently neither of these incidents took place. But I spoke generally about the value of good communication and social skills, not just regarding Aspies but for all people, in our society and even this very factual comment seems to upset some autistic individuals. Granted, next time I will not implicate anyone directly but, instead, speak generally, but I suspect even general comments about improving autistic communications or social skills will not be received well by autistic individuals.
Remember, there are deeply personal and controversial issues related to caregiver of an austistic child, such as chelation and some DAN treatments, ABA therapy, abortion, and recently someone mentioned the possibility of sterilization. Is this what we truly wish autistic children to be reading about? Several months back I think some parent mentioned taking her child for treatment of some kind which was traumatic for him. I may not be recollecting it precisely. I believe a teenager was reading and was himself traumatized by what he was reading on our forum. He was so distraught that his mother blocked this forum on his computer permanently. This sparked a debate as to whether the communications was proper and whether the autistic teenager should have been reading posts on this forum to begin with.
Treatments are personal and although I do not embrace all treatments or views, I will defend every other parents right to express them or to embrace them. I feel they are personal decisions. Some useful information for all children, ASD or NT:
Finding Friends and Persuading People: Teaching the Skills of Social Interaction
By: Dale Susan Brown (1987)
John, who had recently graduated from school in computer operations, was interviewed for a number of jobs. Despite his credentials in a high-demand field, he was repeatedly rejected.
He told me he was frequently late to interviews. And so we began to work on strategies for being on time-someone to remind him when he needed to leave the house, knowing the route to the interview ahead of time, and getting there early.
After one crucial interview, I called him and asked how it went. "It went well!" he exclaimed. "I was on time! But you won't believe what happened. The boss was late. And I told him, 'Hey, you are always supposed to be on time for a job interview!'"
Needless to say, John did not get that job. He had made a great effort to be on time and, under the circumstances, perhaps his anger was understandable. However, he shouldn't have expressed it. And he wouldn't have been upset had I remembered to teach him that the applicant must be on time, but the interviewer is frequently late.
John's consistent rejection in the job market paralleled his experiences with dating and making friends. Without the vital skills of social interaction, John's life was destined to be lonely and unemployed.
Many parents with learning disabled children identify with John's story and realize the importance of teaching social skills. Yet today it is harder than ever to do so. First of all, the economy often makes it necessary for both parents to spend long hours working to maintain their standard of living. Unfortunately, that means less time for family activities.
Also, social rules are changing swiftly. Rudeness seems to be rampant. Dating is so confusing that one tends to dread the moment the waitress brings the check, and a decision must be reached as to who pays. Today's ambiguity, which started in the permissive sixties, is confusing to everyone and is particularly difficult for people with learning disabilities.
Given this situation, how can parents help? How can ACLD chapters help their member families? Here are some ideas that may be helpful although they are more easily said than done:
Develop a strong family social network and try to expose your child to as many people as possible. The more people your child encounters, the more likely it is that he will meet someone who will like him and be willing to accept him and his particular problems.
Treat your child with respect and insist that others do so, too. Individuals frequently speak to people with handicaps in a loud tone of voice, with a high pitch, and with condescending, paternalistic body language. Some learning disabled people imitate these speaking patterns with disastrous results. If your child is treated with respect, he will act towards others with respect.
Encourage observation. Being able to accurately observe the environment is a prerequisite to receiving non-verbal signals. And people with perceptual problems can have trouble with observation. Many find their inner world more stable and prefer to day-dream instead of staying aware of their surroundings. Ways of encouraging observation include:
Calling the LD person's attention to something when he appears to be "lost in space." e.g., "Look at that tree!" "Can you hear the birds?"
Encouraging reactions to the environment. e.g., "Do you like this flower? Which flower do you like best?" "Look at the men building that house. What are they doing ? Do you think their job is dangerous? Would you like to do it? What do you think he's mixing in that bin?"
Asking your child what he saw. Ask, "What was the most interesting thing you saw on the bus ride?" "What did you notice when you walked to school today?" "Have they completed the construction of the shopping center?"
Encourage observation of non-verbal behavior. Playact a certain mood and ask the youngster to guess what it is. Ask him to guess the mood of a family member . Turn the television volume down and discuss the body language of the characters.
Roleplay difficult social situations. Have your child practice asking the teacher for an extension of time for a paper or talking to an employer on a job interview. You can play the teacher or future employer and give your child feedback.
Encourage mature, topic-centered conversations. Many students who have been labeled learning disabled through the school system are used to question/answer type conversations such as:
"How was work today?"
"Fine."
"And what did you do?"
"I made hamburgers."
"Did you do anything else?"
"The cash register."
In this type of conversation, the questioner does all of the work. Sometimes this is because the person with a learning disability doesn't want to talk or has a language disability, but for many LD people, it is the only kind of conversation they know how to have. Parents and professionals should consciously change their conversational patterns to topic-centered conversations by:
Talking about your experiences and activities and expecting your child to listen and respond.
Responding with a statement rather than a question. e.g., "It's different to make hamburgers for fifty people than for a family."
Stating your point of view, when you and your child disagree, and encouraging your child to appropriately defend his point of view.
Encourage your child to join group conversations. Many LD children are ignored by the family or allowed to dominate the conversation. Teach him the hidden rules of conversation-that you look at a person in a group, and they look back before you talk. If your child tends to be quiet, ask his opinion and help him to enter the conversation appropriately when he has something to say. If he dominates the group, explain that people often feel angry at those who talk too much. He may not have noticed the subtle angry glances or the attempts to ignore him. Then teach coping strategies such as:
Watching people's faces as you speak.
Counting the number of times you speak and limiting it.
Learning the signals people make when they want to interrupt you.
Children with language disabilities need to learn specific social skills such as:
Appearing to listen.
Looking puzzled if they don't understand so the talker spontaneously repeats himself.
Maintaining eye contact as they speak and developing body language so that they can keep the floor and not allow interruptions-such as a person who tries to finish their sentences.
Memorizing scripts that inform people about themselves. e.g., "I work at McDonalds as a cashier. I enjoy it and have been there for three months. Most of the customers are nice, but I am looking for another job with better pay." The person with a learning disability says this in response to "What do you do?" This memorized script helps begin the conversation. Several memorized statements, along with a few memorized anecdotes, will significantly help small talk.
All children, particularly those with language disabilities, need hobbies and interests so they have something to talk about. One learning disabled young man who talks very little relates well to other people in his stamp club. Quite a number of people with learning disabilities have taken on leadership roles in computer-user groups.
Many parents read these suggestions and question if the parent is the best person to conduct social skills training, particularly after the child becomes a teenager. In my opinion, involvement of other adults is crucial. After all, socialization should take place in the community as well as the home.
The ACLD chapter can form a resource for adolescents and adults with learning disabilities to improve their social skills. Here are some possible models:
Youth and Adult Section. Usually led by adolescents or adults with learning disabilities, these groups function as part of the chapter and can encourage socialization. Learning disabled adults engage in self-advocacy efforts and often plan part of the state conference.
Teen Club. Usually under the leadership of a chapter volunteer parent, these groups of teenagers engage in social activities such as bowling, picnics, movies, and parties.
Social Skills Classes. ACLD chapters may want to consider hiring a professional to train students in social skills or even to run a counseling group.
Dale S. Brown September-October, 1987 ACLD Newsbrief
A great article on how language and social skills can determine a preschooler's acceptance by peers:
Encouraging Social Skills in Young Children:
Tips Teachers Can Share with Parents
JACQUELYN MIZE
ELLEN ABELL
"I feel so sorry for her She'll ask other kids if she can play, and usually they just say, 'No, you're not our friend.' She's trying to be nice. What more can she do?"
"My son seems to have gotten the idea that it's O.K. to terrorize younger children. Yesterday I saw him shove this other little boy, take a shovel he had, and then just ride off on his trike, leaving the other kid almost in tears."
"Erika never joins in when other children are playing. She just watches, looking miserable and lonely, and I don't know what to say to help her"
It is not unusual for parents who are concerned about their children's social skills to turn to preschool teachers for advice about what to do. Many a teacher has been approached by a parent looking for help to deal with a shy or aggressive or friendless child. Can teachers feel comfortable addressing parents' concerns? What kind of guidance can teachers give to these parents? The purpose of this article is to review current thinking about young children's peer relationships and offer ideas and practices that teachers can suggest to parents concerned about their children's social development. Parents have good reason to be uneasy when their children have trouble getting along with agemates. Peers afford preschoolers some of their most exciting, fun experiences. Not having friends or playmates can be frustrating, even painful, for young children. In addition, a growing body of research supports the belief, held by many early childhood professionals, that young children's peer relationships are important for their development and adjustment to school. Preschool-aged children who have positive peer relationships are likely to maintain positive peer interactions in grade school, while children who have a hard time getting along with agemates in the preschool years are more likely to experience later academic difficulties and rejection or neglect by their elementary-school peers (Ladd, 1990; Ladd & Price, 1987; Ladd, Price, & Hart, 1988). Without the skills to play constructively and develop friendships with agemates, children become excluded from opportunities to develop additional and more complex skills important for future peer interaction (Eisenberg, Cameron, Tryon, & Dodez, 1981; Howes, 1988).
Socially Competent Preschoolers
Picture the well-liked, friendly children in the preschool classrooms of your experience. What do you notice about their behavior that makes them different from less well-liked children? Most observers note the generally positive character of their interactions with other children Mize, 1995). Consider the following interaction between two four-year-old's:
Ben is sitting inside a large innertube, wearing a firefighter helmet, when Jiin walks up and gives the innertube a nudge with his foot. "Hurry and get in the truck," Ben shouts excitedly. There's a fire and we gotta go put it out!" Jim gives the innertube another listless nudge with his foot and com- plains, "I don't wanna be a fireman, I wanna be a policeman." "I know,' offers Ben, "let's both be policemen and get the bad guys who started the fire." Ben removes his firefighter helmet and tosses it aside. Suddenly animated, Jim scrambles into the innertube with him. "I'll drive," he states. "Rrrrrrrrrrr," Ben replies, imitating the sound of a police siren.
Ben ignored Jim's somewhat unpleasant manner and responded instead with enthusiastic and friendly suggestions. He did not react to Jim's negativity, but was instead agreeable and willing to be flexible. Children, like Ben, who have many such harmonious interactions with a variety of their preschool-aged peers are likely to be well-liked and accepted by them (Black & Logan, 1995; Hazen & Black, 1989). Agreeable children also are likely to find acceptance in subsequent peer settings, such as in kindergarten (Ladd & Price, 1987).
While being agreeable certainly is a prerequisite to good peer relations, it alone is not sufficient. Socially competent preschoolers have started to develop additional, more sophisticated skills that they use to make play exciting and fun. These are skills that serve children well as they attempt to negotiate the increasingly complex world of peers. The first of these skills is the ability to tune-in to important features of the social context (Black & Hazen, 1990; Putallaz, 1987). Children are able to recognize other children's preferences, frame of reference, behavior, and interests and can adapt accordingly. Consider the following interaction among four- and five-year-olds:
Elizabeth and Rachel are playing inside a cardboard playhouse. They have dolls which they periodically hold up to the cut-out windows and then, squealing, quickly pull down. Sarah walks over hoping to join in. "Can I play house?' she asks, "cause I have a doll, too." "We're not playing house!" Rachel in- forms her. "We're playing ghosts!" 'Yeah," Elizabeth chimes in. "It's Halloween and there's ghosts outside scaring us.""Anyway it's too crowded in here" adds Rachel. "Oh. Well, I could be a ghost," Sarah offers. 'No you can't," objects Rachel. "Ghosts are invisible." 'I know what," Sarah says, retrieving a nearby broom. "I'm the wicked witch." Sarah straddles the broom and circles the playhouse, cackling. "Eeeeeiaaiiil" Rachel and Elizabeth squeal excitedly. "There's a witch flying around our house!"
Sarah gains eventual entree into Elizabeth's and Rachel's play because she was able to devise a strategy that was relevant to their interests - she didn't disrupt or change the play, she made it more fun. Even when they are trying to be positive, children who are less tuned in may suggest activities that are irrelevant to other children's interests, they may call attention to themselves, or they may do things that are disruptive to the play. No matter how nicely she had asked, had Sarah tried suggest that the girls play house instead of ghosts, she probably would have been met with rejection. But with a little bit of persistence and creativity on Sarah's part, the others were convinced that having her join the play would make it more fun. Although with too much persistence a child will be perceived as a nuisance, a little flexible persistence, like Sarah's, is useful. One of the realities of social life in preschool classrooms is that about half of children's requests to play are greeted with rejection by peers (Corsaro, 1981). As Sarah demonstrated, willingness to maintain social interactions by initiating an alternative in response to peers' rejections sometimes brings success (Hazen & Black, 1989). In contrast, a less competent child might have given up dejectedly, argued with her peers, or demanded that her peers play a different game. Not surprisingly, children who resort to antagonistic behaviors that disrupt the play of their peers often are rebuffed or ignored and generally are disliked (Pettit & Harrist, 1993). If one or two relevant, enthusiastic alternatives don't bring success, however, the competent child will wisely conclude that it might be best to try another day.
In addition to being generally agreeable and well attuned to the social context, socially competent children are responsive and able to mesh their behavior with the behavior of their play partners (Mize, 1995).
Emma and Nadia, dressed in hats, jewelry and high heels, and sitting on two chairs behind an old steering wheel are "driving" to McDonalds. Robert approaches and says, "Hey, I wanna drive!" "No, we're driving!" shouts Nadia. "Yea, the moms are driving," Emma answers, "you can ride in the back.' Like many competent preschoolers, Emma responded contingently to Robert's initiation, and even though she rejected his request to drive, she offered an alternative and an explanation. Observations of competent preschoolers indicate that they are more likely than their less competent peers to acknowledge and respond to others, and to offer an alternative or reinitiate even if they must reject a peer's play suggestion (Hazen & Black, 1989). Less competent children more often ignore others and have difficulty maintaining long, positive interactions. This sensitive responsivity helps competent children maintain longer play bouts without getting into disruptive disagreements.
Thus, children who are socially competent are able to do more than merely behave in positive ways. They show a responsiveness and a sensitivity to the social context and to others. They are able to maintain positive contact and counter play rejections with alternative options. Knowledge of the characteristics of competent preschoolers can provide a solid grounding from which teachers can offer guidance to parents about children's peer relationships.
Parental influence on children's social development
It is widely believed that the everyday experiences in relationships with their parents are fundamental to children's developing social skills (Cohn, Patterson, & Christopoulous, 1991; Parke & Ladd, 1992). In particular, parental responsiveness and nurturance are considered to be key factors in the development of children's social competence (Maccoby & Martin, 1983). Loving and responsive parenting helps children to see the world in a positive way and to expect that relationships with others will be rewarding. Children who display high levels of social competence typically enjoy parent-child relationships characterized by positive and agreeable interactions, acceptance (Cohn, Patterson, & Christopoulous, 1991; Pettit & Mize, 1993; Putallaz, 1987), and sensitive behavioral exchanges in which parent and child respond to one another's cues (Harrist, Pettit, Dodge, & Bates, 1994; Pettit, Harrist, Bates & Dodge, 1991; Pettit & Harrist, 1993). Parents of competent children also minimize the use of physical punishment and coercive discipline (Dodge, Bates, & Pettit, 1990; Strassberg, Dodge, Pettit, & Bates, 1994).
These styles of parent-child behavior are the foundation for children's social development. Often they reflect unexamined assumptions, values, and attitudes that a parent brings to childrearing. As such, suggesting a change in these fundamental patterns of interaction might be interpreted by parents as an attack on their values and competence. In addition, because they are so ingrained, basic qualities of the parent-child relationship are not likely to change based on an exchange with preschool staff.
Specific steps parents can take to enhance children's social skills
Provide children with opportunities to play with peers. There is no substitute for the experience children gain from interacting with peers. Children who have had many opportunities to play with peers from an early age are clearly at an advantage when they enter formal group settings such as daycare or public school (Ladd & Price, 1987; Lieberman, 1977). Children especially benefit when they can develop long- lasting relationships. Young children - even toddlers - who are able to participate in stable peer groups become more competent over time and have fewer difficulties than children whose peer group membership shifts (Howes,1988). In short, children develop better, more sophisticated social strategies when they are able to maintain stable relationships with other children they like over long periods.
Play with children in a "peer- like' way, just for the sake of having fun. Children learn crucial skills through play with other children, but children also learn a great deal through play with their parents. Children whose parents frequently play with them have more advanced social skills and get along better with peers. This is especially true, however, when parents play with their children in an effectively positive and peer-like way (Lindsey, Mize, & Pettit, in press). Observational studies indicate that the parents of the most socially competent children laugh and smile often, avoid criticizing their child during play, are responsive to the child's ideas, and aren't too directive (MacDonald, 1987; MacDonald & Parke, 1984).
Children gain important social skills from parents who play with them in ways that reflect equality in the play interaction. Consider the following parent-child play scene:
Parent: Did you see these blocks?
Child: Oh, blocks!
Parent: What could we do?
Child: I know! We could make like, a, uh, a big pen.
Parent: A pen! O.K. Here, I'll start here, O.K.?
Child: No, no. We gotta start way over here. Move it over here.
Parent: Alright, I see, so it won't run into the sofa. Oh, but if I turn the block like this, the pen will be longer. Or should we have it taller?
Child: Well, it's gotta be tall, so T-Rex can't jump it.
Parent: (Picks up dinosaur: 'lopes' it along floor toward fence.) (In gruff voice) RRRRR.... I'm gonna jump the fence.
Child: (Picks up another dinosaur figure, pushes it toward parents dinosaur.) But I'm T-Rex and I've got sharp teeth, so you better not stomp the fence. Here, here's a cow you can eat! (Throws small farm animal toward other dinosaur.)
Parent: Chomp, chomp, chomp. Thank you Mr. T-REX.
This parent didn’t correct the child or try to dominate the play. Instead, the parent followed the child's ideas in an actively involved way and also contributed to advancing the 'story" of the play. The child, in turn, picked up on the parent's ideas, and thus the play escalated so that parent and child were just having fun playing as equals.
Children benefit from this type of play for several reasons. From balanced, responsive play with a parent, children may learn many of the skills commonly displayed by the socially competent preschoolers described earlier. In addition, when parents are responsive to children's play ideas, children may come to feel that they are good, effective play partners and thus are eager to play with peers. Finally, fun, balanced parent-child play may instill that positive outlook toward others that makes children look forward to play opportunities with people outside the family.
Talk with children about social relationships and values. Children who have more frequent conversations with a parent about peer relationships are better liked by other children in their classrooms and are rated by teachers as more socially competent (Laird, Pettit, Mize, & Lindsey, 1994). As a part of normal, daily conversation, these parents and children talk about the everyday events that happen in preschool, including things that happen with peers. Often these interactions take place on the way home from school or at dinner (Bradbard, Endsley, & Mize, 1992; Laird et al., 1994). Just how should parents handle these conversations, and what can they say that will make a difference? One of the most important points to make in this regard is that these talks are not lectures, but rather conversations enjoyed by both parent and child. As such, these conversations probably serve two purposes: They communicate to the child an interest in his or her well-being, and they also serve as a basis for information exchange and genuine problem solving.
Take a problem-solving approach. Parents don't have to know the answers to all children's problems to talk to them in helpful ways. For example, a kindergarten child told her father of a girl in her class who she described as being "mean to everybody," and to whom everyone else was, in turn, "mean." In a conversational way, the father asked his daughter questions about what she thought night be happening between the other child and her classmates. Through the discussion, the daughter concluded that the child might be acting "mean" because she thought no one -in the class liked her and decided, as a gesture of goodwill, to draw a picture and give it to the unpopular child. This father didn't dismiss his daughter's concerns, or trivialize their complexity by offering an easy answer, and he didn't lecture her or quiz her. Instead, he engaged her in a conversation that offered her support to consider the problem for herself.
When problem-solving, parents can help children consider various solutions and perspectives. In observations of mothers and fathers talking to their preschool children, we find that parents of the most competent children often consider with the child multiple approaches to situations and reflect on potential consequences of each course of action (Mize & Pettit, 1994):
Mom: Hmmm, gosh, what if he grabs your truck again, what do you think you'll do?
Child: I'd probably just whap him upside his head!
Mom: You would? What'd he do, do you think, if you whapped him?
Child: He'd give it back and never take it again!
Mom: You think so? You don't think he'd just whap you back, and ya'll 'd get in a big ol' fight and then he wouldn't want to play with you again?
Child: Oh, yea.
Mom: What else could you try?
Child: Say, "please?"
Mom: That'd be a nice thing to try. Do you think it’d work?
Child: No.
Mom: Well, maybe not. It might, but it might not, huh?
Child: I could say, "I'll come get you when I'm done."
Mom: Hey, that's an idea. That works sometimes with your sister, doesn't it?
As teachers know, there are often no easy answers to most of children’s problems with peers. Therefore, it is helpful for children to learn how to think about relationships and weigh the consequences of their actions for themselves and others (Slaby, RoedeR, Arezo, & Hendrix, 1995). Of course, one of the most important factors to consider is the effects of any potential action on others. Children who are encouraged to think in terms of others' feelings and needs are more positive and prosocial with peers (Zahn-Waxler, Radke-Yarrow, & King, 1979), and children whose parents talk with them more often about emotions are better liked by their kindergarten peers (Laird, et al., 1994).
Endorse positive, relevant strategies. While its a good idea to problem-solve by helping children consider various options and perspectives, a parent does not need to treat all potential solutions as equally good. We have found that parents of competent children, like the mother in the preceding example, talk about various options but endorse friendly, prosocial strategies that leave the door open to play or friendship. Children react more positively to peers who try to solve problems by negotiation or compromise rather than through tattling, aggression, or verbal coercion ("I won't play with you anymore' or "I won't be your friend") (Crick & Grotepeter, 1995). Parents can help their children develop these skills through conversations such as the following, in which a mother and her four-year-old talk about how he could gain acceptance by a pair of children pretending to cook and wearing the classroom’s only two chefs hats:
Child: I'd say, "Could I cook, too, please."
Mom: That'd be nice. But what if they want to keep cooking?
Child: Uh, I would just go play by myself.
Mom: Sure, you could do that. But, there's a table and some dishes. What happens when you go to a restaurant? When you want something to eat?
Child: You say, "Bring me a hamburger!"
Mom: Yeah! Maybe you could be a customer and order dinner?
Child: Oh, yea.
Notice that this strategy is not only friendly, it is relevant (it fits) with the other children's interests (see Finnie & Russell, 1988; Russell & Finnie, 1990).
Reflect a positive, resilient attitude toward social setbacks. As previously mentioned, exclusion by peers is a fact of preschoolers' lives (Corsaro, 1981). Children have different reactions to these rejections, ranging from anger to acceptance. Some children come to believe that others are "out to get them," or that other people are just generally mean. These children are likely to react with aggression and hostility to mild slights by peers (Dodge, Pettit, McClaskey, & Brown, 1986). Other children may assume that these rejections are caused by an enduring, personal deficiency ("I'm just not much fun," "Other kids don't like me"), and are likely to withdraw from further peer interaction (Goetz & Dweck, 1980). Socially competent children, in contrast, tend to explain these rejections as temporary or in ways that recognize that a social situation can be improved by changing their own behavior (I'll have to talk louder so they hear," or "I'll try to be friendlier next time"). Sometimes these children recognize that the situation itself led to the rejection, such as the child whose request to play was refused by two of his peers. "Well, of course I couldn't play," he said, "I should have noticed they only had two trucks!"
Parents of these socially competent children endorse interpretations of social events that encourage resilient, constructive attitudes (Mize, Pettit, Lindsey, & Laird, 1993). Rather than making a statement such as, "That's a really mean kid!" they may say something like, "Gosh, maybe he's having a hard day." They make constructive attributions such as, "Sometimes kids just want to play by themselves," rather than expressing a sentiment like, 'They're not very nice if they won't let you play." These parents avoid defeatist comments such as "Maybe they don't like you," and offer instead suggestions like, "Maybe they don't want to play that, but there might be something else they think is fun." Such positive, constructive statements encourage children to take an optimistic view of others and themselves as play partners. They reflect an upbeat, resilient attitude toward social setbacks and the belief that social situations can be improved with effort and positive behavior.
Intervene when necessary, but let older preschoolers work out problems themselves when possible. The preceding suggestions may convey the impression that parents and caregivers of socially competent children must spend all of their time strategically engineering peer play opportunities and looking for chances to talk to children about relationship values. This is not the case, however. While parents of competent preschoolers do take the time to structure play opportunities and assist their children in interpreting their play experiences, they do not interfere in children's ongoing play unless it is necessary.
Indeed, research indicates that a gradual disengagement of parents from involvement in young children's play with peers is beneficial. While toddlers need an adult supervisor present most of the time, and, in fact, often play in more sophisticated ways when an adult is present to facilitate their interaction (Bhavnagri & Parke, 1991), as children get older, they benefit from trying to work things out during play on their own (Slaby et al, 1995). A parent’s presence and involvement does not benefit older preschoolers (Bhavnagri & Parke, 199 1; Parke & Bhavnagri, 1989), and may actually interfere with children's development of social skills (Ladd & Golter, 1988).
Preschool teachers often find themselves in the position of giving advice to parents about children's social skills. The research-based information presented here is intended to offer teachers solid footing for their counsel. In summary, recommendations could focus on any of three different areas. First, teachers can help parents realize that children need practice to fully develop their social skills, and that children get their practice from playing both with other children and with their parents. Teachers can suggest that parents provide opportunities for their children to develop stable relationships with other children. Most adults can be reminded that they are more relaxed and have more fun when they are with people they know well, and they can see that this is true for children as well. Teachers can also suggest that parents take the time to play as equal partners with their children. By following their children's lead, maintaining a positive, non-competitive attitude, and having fun together, parents will help children develop a positive attitude toward themselves and others as play partners.
Second, teachers can suggest to parents that they find ways to offer their children helpful information about how social relationships work. Casual discussions about the events of the day can sometimes lead to conversations in which parents guide children to consider the reasons for peers' behaviors and various options for responding. Discussions that occur when children are interested and that use a problem- solving approach are likely to be most helpful.
Finally, teachers can point out to parents how important a positive attitude is for getting along with others. Most adults can relate to the fact that it is easier to behave in a friendly way when one has a positive attitude toward others, the situation, and oneself. Children benefit when adults offer them positive ways to interpret the events that are a part of their daily lives. Children’s social competence with peers is an important aspect of their social development. Teachers and parents who are aware of the elements of social competence in preschool-aged children can encourage and nurture these skills.
Footnotes
1. Many of the following suggestions and descriptions of parenting come from a series of studies we and our colleagues have conducted on how parents help children learn social skills. In these studies, we have observed parents and children playing together (Lindsey, Mize, & Pettit, (in press); Brown, Pettit, Mize & Lindsey, 1995) and we have watched as parents supervise the play of their own children and one or more peers (Brown et Al., 1995; Mize, Pettit, & Brown, 1995; Pettit & Mize, 1993). We have also conducted interviews with parents (Laird, Pettit, Mize, & Lindsey, 1994) and we have observed parents as they talk to their children about social problem dilemmas presented in videotape vignettes (Brown et al., 1995; Mize & Pettit, 1994; Pettit & Mize, 1993).
Thank you for saying my input is appreciated sunflowers. It's good to come on here from the perspective of a parent (don't forget my Ds1 has been diagnosed with autistic spectrum) and also from the perspective of somebody on the spectrum herself.
Just a minor point, if it wasn't a typo on your part, but GTTO is a woman
My oldest constantly has repetitve questions or statements.
My 2 yr old everyday at least 10 times a day goes the speel of asking where is so and so and repeats everything like a parriot. He has tons of words and can come up with great statements but he can not answer questions??
As far as this being a part of langage for ASD kids how can you tell the difference between this and verbal stims??
First - thank you for your elaborate explanation. I appreciate your insight and I encourage you to keep expressing it.
It is probably true that non-autistics sometimes do not listen to autistics. But I feel much of it has less to do with the non-autistic brain's way of thinking and much more to do with ignorance and an incredible lack of sensitivity. I've worked at facilities for the disabled and learned that many workers there ignore patients because they're insensitive and simply do not want to take the time to listen. They'd rather pretend the patient did not say anything or was muttering nonsense while gazing out the window rather than admit that they didn't want to come closer and take a few minutes to gaze into THEIR faces to try to determine what they were communicating.
My husband and I are not autistic but we volunteered at facilities like these and learned firsthand that this is not a problem of NT brain thinking, it's a problem of insensitivity. Insensitivity isn't a patholgy but it is a shameful way to be. It CAN be changed with the will of the non-autistic person.
Probably the biggest reason NT's have a negative impression of autism is because of the difficulties autistics CAN face in life, such as not being completely independent, having difficulty with communication, and difficulty with love in marriage or relationships. I think every parent wishes these for their child so they can leave this earth with peace of mind. If parents think autism might prevent their child from having these things it causes them anguish. If autism only created the likes of Albert Einstein and Bill Gates, those whose intelligence far outweighed any perceived difficulties in socializing or communicating, and who married and found love in life, and who communicated well, I would guess most parents would not suffer much anguish over their children who have autism. It's a natural parental inclination. Some part of this parent's forum consists of parents who love their children but don't embrace all of their children's autistic qualities and are here to find ways to correct those qualities. These qualities might be a failure to make eye contact, repeating phrases, inability to read social cues, obsessions that are preventing learning... and parents are worried about what will become of their children.
There will always be some conditions in life that will be perceived of as undesirable. Personally, I don't think the solution is to convince all people it is not undesirable, but to teach people to treat everyone with sensitivity and compassion despite if they feel it's undesirable. For ex, I have a rare skin condition that is cosmetically disfiguring and progressive. Some think it worse than cancer, despite the fact that it will never kill me. Some discriminate people with my condition. I recognize my condition is undesirable and has a negative value judgment put on it. It also has advantages, however. It gave me a heightened degree of sensitivity and empathy. I can not, however, convince others not to assign a negative value judgment on it. Because of it's clear and serious disadvantages, I understand parents who dread their children will get it. But I do expect some sensitivity towards people who have my condition...to listen to me if I have something to say, to treat me with compassion, etc...
I hope I'm expressing myself well. It's hard to explain...
I wondered if someone would say something about insensitivity and "ignoring" people and make this about professionals. If you do so, though, you are condemning innocent parents, because the studies I described about autistic children's communication attempts, were about communication attempts with the parents. The idea of parents of autistic children merely being insensitive people who ignore their children was debunked eons ago. The idea of people only perceiving what their brain will let them perceive (which includes, until actually educated about it, not perceiving a whole lot of their children's communication attempts because they are not expecting communication to come in that form), is both a lot more plausible and a lot less damning of parents.
There are thousands more examples of things that non-autistic people's brains do not let them consciously perceive. I gave you only one. It's not by the way that these things are not perceived, nor is it that they cannot be consciously perceived, but that there's an entire filtering system in place where if the brain is trained into not perceiving something, it will not-perceive that, or even hallucinate something else on top of it, in order to save time and energy (I sometimes wonder if some of the things that are actually diagnosed as "psychotic" are an example of that particular adaptive thought process going really far to the point where it starts hallucinating things that nobody is perceiving). Unless that filtering system perceives something to be important, it will just cut it out, and leave the person unaware that anything has been cut out. For instance, the study Temple Grandin referenced involved among other things most people not consciously seeing a woman in a gorilla suit running into the middle of things and banging her chest, because they had been told to look at something else. But various brain imaging techniques showed that they'd perceived her, but not noticed her. This hardly has to do with a moral failing on the part of the people who didn't see the woman in the gorilla suit (or the various other scenarios studied). If they were told to look for a woman in a gorilla suit, they'd of course see her, which they did if they were told and the video was replayed.
An example she also gave, that illustrates another danger, is that trained pilots and non-pilots were made to land a flight-simulator at one point. The flight-simulator included a situation that would never exist in a real situation -- a plane parked sideways on a runway they were about to land on. The trained pilots (who knew what to expect, and whose brain filtered out information based on what they "knew" to expect -- which was that this situation never occurs in real life) mostly did not see the plane on the runway and landed the simulator right on top of it. The people who were not trained pilots (and thus didn't know that you weren't supposed to see a plane parked sideways on a runway) did see the plane, because their brains weren't busy telling them it was not there.
Surely you can start to see how this sort of thing is dangerous in certain circumstances, without resorting to explanations of the people just being dumb or insensitive or ignoring things on purpose. I know an autistic man who was at some kind of police training event and was told that he did better than anyone else there (the person telling him this did not know he was autistic). Because he was able to pick out the truly dangerous elements of a situation from false alarms, without being distracted by what his brain thought it knew about the situation already. Nobody else there could do that, even the ones who were otherwise really good at their jobs. These things could make the difference between life and death among police officers or those they were around, and the non-autistic people were still unable to do them.
People keep bringing up examples that are not a valid comparison here. When I talk about why it's not useful or accurate to think of autistic people's thought processes as "disordered", I'm not talking about sensitivity or people's emotions about autism, which are an entirely different thing. I'm also not talking about Bill Gates or other high-achieving people who might or might not be autistic, and I'm not talking about the potential for people's futures. I'm talking about something that is true in each and every autistic person whether or not it gets used in a particular way or a way that gains them any recognition whatsoever.
I'm talking about a cognitive-perceptual difference between autistic and non-autistic people that is probably there in each because it confers some really important strengths on the person but that also has major drawbacks in each kind of person. If you approach a non-autistic person purely from the point of view that their perceptual deficits could get someone killed as a pilot or a police officer, then you are doing their way of perceiving the world -- a way that is there because it has important strengths to it -- an incredible disservice. You would also be doing them a disservice by failing to point out the weaknesses in their way of thinking, but dwelling on those weaknesses as the primary aspect of their thinking structure is not useful, not accurate, and misses the point of why they think that way and what to do about it (including what to do about the weaknesses). The only reason I've been emphasizing them is to point out what it would be like if people did that to you, and I doubt you'd like it, and I doubt you'd be so sanguine about it as you are expecting me to be about getting the same in reverse (in fact the degree of resistance I'm encountering to the idea that there are seriously dangerous aspects to non-autistic thinking, and that they stem from non-autistic thinking rather than specific moral weakness in specific non-autistic people, speaks volumes in itself).
It's the same with autistic people -- it's not about people's feelings about their child's future (I don't even want to go there in this post, it's not what I'm talking about), it's about the fact that if you take everything I just said about non-autistic people, the flipside is true of autistic people. All of us, not just the high-achievers, just like the strengths of non-autistic people's way of thinking are present in all non-autistic people whether or not they "amount to anything" in any particular way and whether or not they exemplify all the most destructive aspects of their way of thinking (and there is a reason that so much of non-autistic people's societies go to such great lengths to counteract some of that destructiveness, there are all kinds of ways to adapt to it using the strengths to deal with the weaknesses, and people do it all the time, all I'm asking