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How to discipline my teen? Nothing works

Julie, there are laws concerning after hours for teens-up to age 18 yrs old. If they are out and caught after that time they are suppose to have parents contacted and could be taken in for undermanding the law.While he's out and at school, Take anything or everything out of his room,keep the basics-bed,clothes.No law requires you to have him given all his possessions-it is earned a privilage. Think outside the box.....I know it may seem extreme, but extreme times call for extreme measures.A good therapist should and will back you up and have documentation in the event, something should happen.... Yes, he will be upset about having these things taken, but even with a nT child, it has to be done.This is going to require alot of gusto, he cannot be allowed to leave the house on his own and free to roam unsupervised--this goes back to him leaving and returning at 1:30 in the morn......Lockdown is an option--have all deadbolts locked and windows--it is not gonna be easy, but a few days of this and maybe he will conform to rules. These are only options as the professionals seem to have abandoned you with no advice. I 've had to do these things myself when no one else could help and my child is 7 and had violent meltdowns and was a runner and could not let him outside as he took off and wouldn't listen. He's better now, but he knows the consequences of his actions. If he gets out and doesn't return home, your held more liable and this way ---you know where he is at. I don't know if this will help you, but I wouldn't worry about the threat of the police being called as they were called and didn't offer any help and also they are not well-educated on your son's dx. However, they can talk to him and tell him what does happen to teens when they run away. I believe in you and know its hard, but you do need your hub on board with you. He can enforce this with you and without being physical--let your son see both of you united together. The only time to become physical of course is to protect yourself and hold him down when he is at a at charge mode. Another option is to have him hospitalized in a secure environment and to find out what and why is he behaving this way. Tough Love is never easy and is hard. I wish you the best and let us know how things go.

May God bless!!!

JOY   

joyful39068.9490509259

I can't belive that the police wouldn't help you in any other way.  I am going to send you a pm about something you have answered.  Make sure you check your inbox.

I really hope that therapy helps.  I can understand what you say about your husband having to remove himself.  Hopefully therapy will shed some light on that as well. 

Has anyone mentioned "The Explosive Child" it's a very useful book i got from the library and there is also a video out now

I am at the end of my rope with my almost 15 year old.  It seems he is gaining the upper hand, and I dont' know how to stop him.  Traditional methods of discipline do not work with him.  We take away privileges, ground him, make him work, cut him off from friends...you name it, we've done it...except for beating him.  Last night, he came home from a friends house and wanted to play World of Warcraft...an interactive computer game he is OBSESSED with.  We told him he had too much homework due Monday and needed to work on that.  So he walked out of the house and down to a gaming center and stayed there until 1:30 AM playing his game.  So, when we told him no he just ran away  He is almost 5'8" and weighs 200 lbs.  Physically forcing him to do anything is not an option.  When I figured out where he was, I called him and told him he would not be playing tomorrow if he didnt' come home.  He didn't care.  I told him I was on my way to pick him up, and he said he would die before he got in the car with me.  Then he hung up on me.  I called back an hour later and told him if he didn't come home by midnight I was locking up the house and there would be a pillow and blankets on the back porch for him (we live in Florida so it's not freezing although it is quite chilly).  He informed me he was pretty sure that was illegal but he would be happy to call the police to check it out.  Turns out he was right

Of course I am suspending his world of warcraft privileges, but I know that is only going to enrage and provoke him more.  NOTHING works with this kid. He is in individual therapy, and we are in family therapy, but none of his therapists seem to be able/willing to give any pointers on how to effectively discipline him.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Are there any books out there on disciplining an autistic teen when you're starting late in the game?

HI..GOD I WISH I COULD HELP YOU,BUT I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM.MY SON IS 19,AND EVEN THOUGH HE HAS BEEN THRU ALOT(UNDERSTATEMENT)HE WILL REFUSE TO LET ME DO ANY THING FOR HIM,LIKE CLEANING HIM UP,EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.I DREAD THESE WEEKENDS.HE WILL DROP AND HEAD BANG AND IF I GET CLOSE ENOUGH HE WILL REACH FOR ME TO PINCH OR PULL HAIR. LIKE HE DID THIS MORNING..SO I TOLD HIM THERE WILL BE NO BURGER KING OR CARL'S JUNIOR TODAY,(WE USUALLY GO ON THE WEEKENDS)HE IS SO FAR ASLEEP IN DIRTY WET PJS. I AM AT A LOST HAS TO GET ACROSS TO HIM I AM THE BOSS,I AM IN CHARGE,NOT HIM..I TELL HIM THIS EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.MY SON IS NOT AS VERBAL AS YOURS OR ABLE TO GO TO FRIENDS HOUSES,(HE HAS NO FREINDS AT THIS TIME)ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS TO HANG IN THERE...IT SUCKS,I KNOW...WHEN YOU FIND WHAT WORKS WOULD YOU MIND SHARING???I COULD USE SOME IDEAS HERE TOO.

Oh ((((JULIE))))!  Cry  I am so sorry your family is going through this.  I can't believe your son said it was illegal for you to lock the doors and make him sleep on the porch and that he'd call the police to check.  I think at that point you might could have called the police to help you get him home. 

Is his Dad in the picture?  If so, what is his take on this?  Does he try to do more to help you and stand behind you when you are enforcing rules (or trying to)  or does he just let you handle it without getting involved.  I think that if he is not involved I would talk to the family therapist about working on a plan that you two can execute together so your son knows it's 2 against him and you guys are the adults. 

Speaking from experience and the way that I was as a teen and young adult, tough love was the best thing ever happened to me.  And it didn't come a bit too soon.  I had more than my fair share of chances before that tough love kicked in.  But once it did, it was the only thing that made me stop and think.  Since your son is so young, I am not exactly sure what you can and can't get away with in this area since he is going to threaten to call the police if he thinks you are doing something wrong.  I mean, you can't exactly kick him out at the age of 15. 

If he went to the game room down the street, didn't he have to have money?  Where does his money come from?  Surely if you are telling your child to not walk out the door and he does anyway and won't come home when you call and doesn't let you know where he is and won't get in the car with you when you try to pick him up to bring him home that the police can show up with you and give him a choice- he can either go home with you or he can go with the police (wherever they take 15 year olds).  But that's tough love.  No parent wants to have to call the police on their child. 

What does his therapist say?  Is there anything going on like depression or anxiety that he might could get some help through medications? 

I wish I knew more to tell you.  I wasn't sure if this son was autistic or not until you stated it at the end of your post.  What you were describing sounded just like what some other parents have shared of thier NT teenagers.  I am sure the good people here who have a child your age will have more input.  I was just going with some initial thoughts and wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and your family.

What kinds of friends does he have?  I mean, are they a positive influence on him or could some of this behavior be picked up on from the circle he hangs with?

My sister has a 15 year old daughter that she has significant problems with from time to time.  She is not ASD that we know but does have some pretty major behavioral, emotional, educational problems.  Her grades slipped very badly last year and my sister took away all of her privledges completely.  She was not allowed phone use, computer use, tv use, makeup use, wasn't allowed out of the house after school and had everything of interest removed from her room.  Now a lot of parents do this but my sister took it one step farther and in a rather clever way.  She took all of her clothes away from her also.  In the morning she laid out one outfit and said wear it and she had no choice in what she would wear to school.  At fifteen it is not fun to have a 38 year old woman pick out your clothes.  It wasn't long before her grades were raising. Sometimes extreme drastic measures are really the only thing that will work.  Good luck to you and just remember (speaking from experience) someday he will probably look back at his snottiness and defiance and regret it.  I know I certainly do!OUR DAUGHTER WE SAY NO GAME DAY IF X ISN'T DONE BY TONIGHT. SPORTS GIRL. MOST PLACES HAVE TEEN CURFEWS. IT'S HARD CAUSE AT 18 THEY ARE CONSIDERED BY LAW A ADULT.

I have always considered myself really lucky that Nicholas was so easy going - but lately we have had issues of defiance in my home as well.

Nick would play his xbox all day every day if I let him. He gets hyped up and backchats and will strike out if things have not gone his way. We have had several episodes here where I have had to call his dad (who doesn't live with me) to come and get him because I am furious at the lack of respect. Luckily Nick has a gental nature most of the time and realises that he was wrong, but the frequency of the problem makes me worry.

We have decided that Nick will have a choice once school goes back next year (at the moment the xbox is totally banned).

1. play the xbox for 30 mins each day

2. no xbox during the week - 3 hours sat/sun.

I keep trying to enforce to Nick that although this is our home, my rules will be the ones in place. I don't ask him to like them - but I ask that he respect them.

It's not easy JulieA......... teens are a whole new ball game! Good Luck and let us know how things go.

Mysh

edited: I can't spell today!

Mysh39068.9715740741I forgot to add that banning the xbox is the only thing that works in my house.

I totally understand how you feel ... my 11YO has begun showing this kind of behavior, and there have been 2 incidents in the past year that have become physical, where he has pushed me and I have had to physically hold him down.  I'm worried about when he becomes a teenager and if this behavior will escalate.

His OCD has been on overdrive lately too though and I've been waiting for a psychiatrict referral as his meds more then likely need to be changed.

God Bless you and I hope someone here can help you.  I'm at a loss.

 

[QUOTE=Wray]

  Is his Dad in the picture?  If so, what is his take on this?  Does he try to do more to help you and stand behind you when you are enforcing rules (or trying to)  or does he just let you handle it without getting involved.  I think that if he is not involved I would talk to the family therapist about working on a plan that you two can execute together so your son knows it's 2 against him and you guys are the adults. 

My dh and I are at odds as to how to handle this.  Dh tends to get physical, and I refuse to have both my husband and my son in jail when things escalate and get violent.  I know for a fact if my husband raised his hand to Allen, that Allen would strike back and then all h*ll would break loose.  So, dh has removed himself from the situation, but we are working with the therapist to get him back in.

If he went to the game room down the street, didn't he have to have money?  Where does his money come from?  Surely if you are telling your child to not walk out the door and he does anyway and won't come home when you call and doesn't let you know where he is and won't get in the car with you when you try to pick him up to bring him home that the police can show up with you and give him a choice- he can either go home with you or he can go with the police (wherever they take 15 year olds). 

I called the police and explained the situation to them.  Other than telling me it was illegal to lock him out and make him sleep on the porch, they would not do anything else.

What does his therapist say?  Is there anything going on like depression or anxiety that he might could get some help through medications? 

His therapist says it would be unethical for him to tell us exactly how to handle situations.  This is his personal therapist.  We have not been in family therapy very long and haven't broached the subject there yet.  He is currently being treated for depression with Cymbalta, takes topamax for headeaches and to help with moods and takes Hydroxyzine at night to help him sleep and for anxiety.

I wish I knew more to tell you.  I wasn't sure if this son was autistic or not until you stated it at the end of your post.  What you were describing sounded just like what some other parents have shared of thier NT teenagers. 

Allen's current dx is ADHD/ODD/SLD and depressive disorder.  I have suspected for some time that he is HFA or Asperger's.  He has major issues sustaining eye contact with people he is not comfortable/familiar with.  He has obsessive interests (currently World of Warcraft), serious anxiety issues and problems reading social situations (this is getting more and more apparent as he's getting older).  He does have a social group, however they are all passionately interested in the same stuff he is.  He can't carry on a conversation with anybody if it's not about World of Warcraft, history or international news. 

What kinds of friends does he have?  I mean, are they a positive influence on him or could some of this behavior be picked up on from the circle he hangs with?

He is definitely not picking behavior up from his friends.  His behavior is coming from his depression and his ODD.  As his depression is starting to get better, the rages are subsiding and it is easier to live with him, however his ODD is really coming out and it has become a contest of wills.  Now that I'm not worried so much about him committing suicide, I need to try to figure out how to gain control of my home again  My effort at tough love was to make him sleep on the porch, but the police shot me down.

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