Our dear realtives...
| Back to Autism Information >> Next Topic | ||
| Okay, I am sure some of you have had experience with something like
this. I am aksing for advice, along with, well, just venting. Whay do my parents have so much trouble amprehending that their "darling grandson" has an ASD. My dad is at least trying...although the way he abruptly changes the subject sometimes is very telling. My Mom is driving me crazy I tell you. CRAZY!!!!!!! If I hear one more time that Jasper "is just too intellectually advanced to play with other kids, so and so was JUST like that, I think my head will pop off. She alternates between comparing him to ANY OTHER family who has a kid with any issues at all--like "Oh my goodness, our neighbor's son had some speech problem and he would just scream and scream all day long. It was terrible!" to asking me if I really think all these therapies are "really necessary" She even questioned his school placement. I had to explain to her in great detail that cannot simply SIGN their child up for special ed--they have to be evaluated and tested first. She thinks I "put" him there....Oh it's tiring to have to go over this every time we speak as if it were NEW information each time it came up. Oh boy. My Mom and I have never been super close, but I do come from a large and tight knit family in general so I really need to figure out how to handle this. Help  Your guess is as good as mine when it comes to comprehending. Wish I had an answer for you, but sometimes, it is better to just not involve them if they can't be supportive. It's too frustrating. LOL...they don't see the things you do, you know? So it is hard for them to not be in denial about their grandson. My own mom was thrilled that Caden looked her in the eyes and was quick to say that she thought kids with Autism didn't do that. Well, of course, that spectrum is big, and not everyone does the same thing. His eye contact is very, very good. His language, understanding, and a whole slew of stims....well, she doesn't see all of that (some of it).No one can cause autism or put them there, I think I'd make that clear and do my best to educate them. Then again, my ex's family swear I had something to do with his suicide attempts instead of accepting that he too is on the spectrum and could not communicate properly what he was feeling and so on. Family....interesting sometimes... Yeah, just when you get over your own denial and grief, you have to deal with everyone else's! NowwhatYour mom sounds like my mother. My mom says some of the same things. 'Its nothing wrong with him...I don't believe there's anything wrong with him...his brain is so smart that a small part of it couldn't take it ....all kids do that...he'll do it in his own time...he's just different...he doesn't want to be bothered, he's just this, he's just that, etc, etc....' I got tired of explaining things to her until I was blue in the face. Oh, she listens, but it's going in one ear and out the other. My son is the only g-child out of 9 that has special needs. So I think it's her way of saying he'll turn out 'normal.' I have learned to ignore her antics now. I know she still loves him though and that is all that matters. As long as I know he needs these things, it's all that matters. I feel your pain though. I believe normal is subjective anyway. It can be frustrating trying to explain these things on deaf ears. You can't force people to understand. I know from first hand experience. You can offer knowledge, but you can't control ANYBODY except yourself. If they choose not to believe or understand, it may be best to distance yourself for the sake of your son. That won't make them understand, but it will give you a bit more peace of mind and your son won't have to hear thoughtless comments. It's very hard when somebody from a supposedly "close" family has relatives pooh-pooh serious problems--make me wonder if this close family is rally emotionally as close as they'd like to think. Another option is to make the topic of ASD off limits and to make them see that you mean it by leaving the house, hanging up the phone (after a polite good-bye) and asking people (politely) to leave if they don't abide by the "Hands-off-discussion" rule. Nobody really HAS to understand except you and your hub, so that you can help your child. And you're an adult. You don't have to please them anyone who win their approval. JMOMamaKat, It may be a generational thing for your parents and the knowledge they have of autism may stem from their own upbringing. My parents lack the skills to see autism for what it it really is. I think some grandparents find it hard to get past how things were in their day. Don't forget that it wasn't that long ago that people believed autism was caused by the parents or that it was a lack of good parenting. In relation to my 3 yr old son, my parents come out with comments such as "there is nothing wrong with his brain", "he'll be ok when he starts speaking" "He was premature, what do you expect, - he needs time to catch up". I think the bottom line is - they don't want for me to be hurting - after all I'm their baby and no parent wants their child to suffer, particularly with something as painful as autism can be. I give my mum print outs and articles to read and if she asks a question I discuss it openly and honestly, even though sometimes I know she finds it hard to accept. Mysh My Mom does her best but says that she's sorry but that she's too old for this. She has had many losses and stressors and is still getting over those things as well as the death of my father. She has five other grandchildren, none with ASD, and when we all get together, it is very hard because two of my son's cousins are the same age but NT and Mom says that she doesn't care if my son is "special" he has to behave. He is a kid and there are certain ways that kids should be handled. I know that alot of relatives think that I don't discipline my son enough, that he manipulates me (don't they all?), that he "gets away with alot", etc. But I do discipline him. I just don't yell or do things that will make the behavior worse...And if I get upset then it's a real mess. If my Mom yells at him it gets even worse. Anyway...I think in my case things would be better with more regular contact. I live between 4 and 6 hours from all of my relatives. Most of my husband's family is here but it's not the same. The good news is that I can talk to my siblings about this. They read books and articles and send info when they find it. They raise money for autism awareness. My Mom is even good at a distance. I guess everyone mourns the loss of what they thought would be in different ways. I guess that's all I wanted to say. Thanks for the topic. My immediate family is great. I live with my parents so I can finish medical school, and they are extremely involved not only with my ASD son, but my NT daughter as well. My paternal uncle is excellent as well. The rest of my extended family is a nightmare. Except their problem is they refuse to talk about the autism. And, it's been made clear they don't want to hear it. Not even the good things. They change the subject or pretend Tristan is not really there. I have pretty much decided to cut off contact with the majority of that side of my family. If you can't accept my children as they are, you can't accept me. But, that's just my two cents. Thanks for letting me vent.Wow... you just described my mother to a T. She says Aiden doesn't have AS, he's just a little boy who can't relate to other children because he's "so far above them" intellectually. Whenever I say, "but he does... [this]," she says, "you're describing yourself as a child. Aiden just takes after you. You're not someone with Asperger's Syndrome. I should know. I raised you!"My mother, with the combined experience of raising me, with many AS qualities as a child, and probably 90% of the reason Aiden has AS, and my brother, who is just hovering a few emotional and intellectual IQ points above mental retardation due to a severe learning disability, clearly must know what normal children are all about. She's had... zero. Everyone else sees it. My many aunts and uncles have all commented at one time or another, nicely or not-so-nicely, on how unique, eccentric, odd or different Aiden is. They all have NT kids his age or older. They all know what NT kids are all about, and Aiden is not like their children. My mother chooses to be blind to this, as she was blind to my brother's problems growing up, despite the school and psychiatric assessments, despite them telling her that he needed to stay at the special education school he was placed in. She took him out of there, because it was "not fair to him to be going to school with a bunch of retarded kids," (her words) and he never made any progress in school after that. He dropped out at 16, after failing grade 9 twice. He had 4 highschool credits to his name: grade 9 phys-ed, grade 10 phys-ed, grade 9 culinary arts (cooking) and a grade 9 carpentry/woodshop class. Wide horizons for that boy... A-1 job, mom. I figure in the next 5 years, my brother will end up living with me, as she can't be bothered to believe he's anything other than just lazy, and just complains to me 3 or 4 times a week that he bums around the house getting a free ride through life, refusing to grow up. I'm probably the only family member he has who believes he'd do better in life and be happier with a little help. He's not lazy. He has a disability. My mother hates that I label him like that, but she has no problem calling him lazy and irresponsible. My mother is always on my case about labelling Aiden, therefore limiting him in life. She does not see and will not listen to how not "labelling" him, and therefore having access to services he needs, would be so much more limiting. I've tried to explain to her that he's not walking around with a diagnosis on his forehead, but now he can get OT and social group therapy, which he will more than likely benefit from. My take on it is, if she can't be supportive, I don't want her input. I'm an adult and I believe I'm doing the right thing for my son. I don't care if my mother wants to believe that I'm wrong. I don't need her permission. Aiden is not her son, and it's ultimately irrelevant what she believes, as those with our eyes and minds open can see the truth. I think most of us are dealing with this exact situation. It really hurts but I just ignore what people say and dont let them spend time with my dd. MamaKat, Sure hope things get better and that you can get some encouragement from your close family (even if it is not from your mom at this point). Take care. Ahh - MIL does the same stuff. She'll say, "He's getting better. I hope I hope he get better." UUGH - yes he is maturing but he'll ALWAYS be PDD. I just use the word "Autistic" with her because she's not from this country and although she's been here over 40 years she still doesn't comprehend everything in English. I tried explaining his DX to her when it first happened but she would tell everyone that I wasn't telling her what was going on. Lady, I'm telling you EXACTLY what's going on, you just don't understand it.Oh My Gosh, mamjot- we are living parallel lives with the MIL situation. She too has lived here since she was 16 yrs old and is 65, but she (in my opinion) uses the language thing to fall back on when she doesnt WANT to understand something. (She speaks fluent English) Yet when I gave her literature in Spanish about autism, she got offended and still doesnt get it. She often says the same types of things I think we've all heard like "oh, she'll grow out of it". Like someone said before, yes, she has matured and thanks to nearly 3 1/2 yrs of intervention in all areas. We have had to TEACH her everything- nothing has come naturally. I feel like she just thinks its me or something. Makenna (3 1/2, ASD) is VERY clingy to me and only sometimes will tolerate even close family members for alot of things and I think she feels I am hording her or something. Makenna has always been this way and it is due to her sensory issues. I have been the only person who has helped stabilze her world as much as is posssible. I protect Makenna, but MIL interprets it as me keeping her from her. I just dont get why she cant READ her obvious expressions when she is stressed and BACK OFF! She constantly tries to pursue her and this is often threatening and not tolerated by Makenna. I mean, if you love your grandchild, take the time to get to know her!!!!! It enrages me but, I KNOW I dont need her words to validate Makennas dx, but it just feels very uncaring and thoughtless some of the things she says and does.
Oh this all sounds so familiar. The signs with my child are sooooo obvious when you look at the big picture but if my mum visits and Wock is having a particulally good day ( Cos he has the sole attention of one adult ) she will start saying - oh look, isnt he better now. Things like - when we he grow out of it? when will he go to mainstream school ? My friends was telling me that when her little boy was young he had speech thearapy and he's fine now... etc etc etc.... Oh and the one that really winds me up - why dont you let me and your dad have him for a weekend, we'll soon snap him out of it !!!!!! Look it annoys me cos I WANT her to understand but she says she cant get her head round it. I try to simplfy things and she just shuts down. She doesn't do it on purpose, its just that ignorance is bliss. Denial is the easiest way. I just want her to love him ( theres no doubt that she does ) for all of his quirks and it would seriously help if she tried to understand what makes him tick as maybe then I would be able to let her have him for a trip to the park or something. In her day Autism had a stigma, I just want to educate her and make her embrace Wocks wacky way of thinking. Wocksmum Hey, Check out the post from beccaposie called: Asperger's article. It has aGREAT link to something that could be very helpful to all of us in this situation  My MIL says the same things Wocksmum, but I finally started to enjoy it (accept for the "let your dad and I take him and we will snap him out of it" I enjoy it because there are a couple people in the world, mil and fil, who ONLY see my dd and NOT her deficits. They are blinded by love....denial, but mostly love, and my dd needs all that she can get because she is not the most outgoing and affectionate girl. So I am learning to let alot of it roll off my back instead of smacking me in face. I'm sure you can relate. |
||
|
Copyright Autism-PDD.net
|
"