I have posted about my father the teacher/ principal before, but I need
to get something off of my chest. It isn't about my dad. He is
wonderful with my boys. It is just about the "system" as i saw it
growing up.
When i was a kid, I grew up listening to my dad and his coworkers
talking about special ed kids and their parents. Now, i don't want to
get my dad in trouble here. He was always great with the special ed
kids. But there always seemed to be this underlying current against the
parents.
All of the teachers hate dealing with IEPs, meds, special things the
kids might need, etc. there were always certain parents that the school
hated to see coming, and they were usually the special needs kids'
parents.
Does anyone see where i am going with this?
I HATE being that parent. I try so hard to work with everyone,
but here lately, it seems like my kids are a burden on the schools,
instead of the joy I see them to be. I know this is something we just
have to deal with, but I just wish that the schools would understand
more. I have had people ask me if I took drugs while I was
pregnant! I want to scream from the rooftops that I DID NOT DO
THIS! This just happened. I have enough guilt as it is, as most
moms do. We are hard enough on ourselves without strangers doing this
to us.
I know there is no solution, and I am posting in vain. Sometimes i wish
there was a place we could all move to where we were all together, and
everyone was like us. OK, that's a stupid idea, but at least we would
have support!
I HATE IEP meetings. I HATE having to ask for special things for my
kids. I hate knowing that the teachers dread my phone calls. And they
are good teachers. It's just that my kids make their jobs tougher. I've
always been that quiet person in the corner who figures things out for
herself, never making waves. I avoid conflict every way I can. Don't
get me wrong, i can be a real "mother bear" but I TRULY prefer to lay
low.
OK, enough venting. I just like peace, and calm, and utopia. My life couldn't be farther from that!
But this is what it boils down to. Does it always feel this way? Is it
us against society? Because i am getting to the point where I feel like
I have to fight for everything in my children's life. (BTW- i am still
in the middle of the whole custody issue. More fighting.)
My mother was a teacher and an administrator along with her sister and mother (my grandmother). I will admit to being sympathetic to both the teachers and the parents b/c of my background. We do ask a lot of these educators who, for the most part, have not specialized in the disabilities of our particular child. I realize that this is not a popular view, but early on, I started basically home-schooling my son who has PDD in the evenings. I met with his teachers and asked, "How can we make this work? What can I do, with you, to keep my son in a regular class?" That approach worked for me because I asked them (a) what they were willing and able to do and (b) what I could do to assist. I didn't make demands, but instead asked. When they failed to meet our expectations (which they often did), I would say, "Well, I thought we agreed that you would do , but that didn't work out like we planned. What were the problems? How can we fix it?" I worked it out so that the teachers emailed me assignments and classwork and we did them at home at night together. Every week night for 7 1/2 years. I did constantly stay in touch with his teachers, never letting them think that I wasn't paying attention, but always letting them know that I was working just as hard as they were. I could give you more details, but suffice it to say, I see your point. I'm not sure if it is us against everyone.... but I know it sure feels that way a lot of the times. People don't understand, they don't get that in your life autism is almost your whole world... and it's not something you asked for, nor did our children. I am quite disgusted with the way things have been handled by the schools for a few of the parents on this board. And honestly... I have 2 very very close friends who are teachers, one of them is the head of the resource department and I said to her... No offence, but I don't feel one bit sorry, ashamed, or guilty that any teacher has to or will have to work with my son. I am all too willing to educate people about my sons abilities and his disabilities. Why do we have to feel ashamed or like we are being a burden because our kids are different??? What the hell is that about. Because they can be some what of a burden??? Because they can be somewhat annoying sometimes??? Because they need certain things done for them like handing out medication or doing some sort of sensory therapy with them??? Well the old saying "It takes a village to raise a child." comes to mind. If society as a whole was more understanding and helpful this wouldn't be an issue. Don't get me wrong I am very greatful for teachers and what they do. But I will not sit here and tell them I'm sorry if my son is a burden on them for 6 hours out of the day. Like I said, I'm willing to help them with whatever it is I can. But me sitting down with Zach for 7 hours a night AFTER he just got home from school will most likely not ever happen.... I have another baby on the way and a husband to take care of. I know other mothers here have multiple kids who have MULTIPLE disablities.... sometimes it's just not possible to be that involved and such.... we can try.... but it might not always happen. I think the problem is this.. Society as a whole is very selfish... people only care about themselves..... even parents of NT kids.....but well.... as you all know.... We as parents of disabled children do not get that luxury of only thinking about me..... in fact we don't get to think about me ever *smiles* and honestly.... I prefer it that way. There is absolutely no need to say you are sorry to the education system. Certainly did not suggest that an apology was in order in any way. I just think that our kids DO require more work and energy than others and I agree with you that I wish society was different. Oddly enough, however, I have been pleasantly surprised at some of the teachers who have loved, supported and nutured my son over the years. I don't equate understanding their point of view with telling them I am sorry they have to do it. It is part of their job. Also, just in case there is a misunderstanding, we did not spend 7 hours a night. Just a couple of hours, but for 7 years. I also have a husband, a full-time career as a lawyer and another younger son. But I did not have to deal with some of the difficulties that I have read about on this board. By comparison, my job was easy. Ohh No Tulip I didn't mean it like that LOL.... Sorry it came out wrong... and I did misunderstand the hours and days thing.... I think I'm just as jaded as some of the other moms who are having to fight for thier kids and school right now and ZACH ISN"T EVEN IN SCHOOL YET. I had to cancel his OT and special ed therapy with EIP.... very long story... but basically I was sick of being made to feel like and incompitant, paranoid parent who just had a "normal 3 year old"
Believe me! There were entire years when I felt like the worst slug and it seemed like all I did was argue with teachers. For example, my son's kindergarten teacher told me that part of his delay in understanding some basic concepts was because I didn't allow him to watch prime time t.v. shows like the other kids did! That left me speechless... She also insinuated that my job was time-consuming and that if I spent more time taking him to museums and immersing him in cultural activities, his development would improve. I wanted to scream at her stupidity - DO YOU REALLY THINK HE HAS A DISABILITY BECAUSE I DIDN'T TAKE HIM TO A MUSEUM LAST SUMMER? I could go on, but I finally just quit beating my head against the wall (no pun intended).
Hey Enikkibaby,
I actually am on the opposite end of the spectrum- so to speak, my parents were both teachers, my dad being a spec. ed/ core chair person ( only for a few years, went back to the classroom because he hated the b.s) for 40 years. I grew up listening ( 2 aunts, 1 uncle also sped teachers) with the underlying tones of admin being well, not so nice/intelligent beings. I used to feel, unfortunately, that my child and i would be looked down upon, seen as a financial burden and an added stress to his teacher. all that suddenly changed, when iwrite in posts about turning the sorrow and grief into a fire that burns, that actually happened. there was a delay in my son getting into school when he turned 3, Ei never got the paper work to the sped dept, at first, i want to say i was almost relieved, i didn't want him to start school because i knew he wasn't ready and then oneday he woke up and repeated the same phrase over and over again for about an hour sitting in a corner and then all of a sudden i woke up. I dropped him off at at friends house, grabbed my purse and his initial eval from ei and drove to the admin building. I stopped at some womans desk, it was a wonder they didn't call the police, found the person i needed to see and made her set up a seperate eval since they didn't have the paperwork from EI, a week later we went to the school where they do the evals and was greeted by the principal at that the door, did the eval and was in the parking lot when the principal came out to the car, she asked my name, asked what my maiden name was, well she recognized me from my dad's retirement party ( she apparently started out teaching with him) she took hold of my face and said " good for you sweetheart, you need to push" i'm assuming the sped dept called to tell her some lunatic was coming to her school for an eval.... I haven't stopped pushing since, I'll admit, we've been exceedingly lucky with teachers and ieps ( it's nice to have my dad to walk me thru things also nice because he's a dinosaur and nobody really knows who he is and what he did for a living- it was funny to have the school psych show him where to sign for his attendance at the iep this year but he just said thanks and signed where he was supposed to) i realized that i could use all of those years of "teacher talk"( i used to call it that when i was younger because at every family function it always ended it being the topic of conversation during coffee and dessert) to my advantage. I try to be as pleasant and friendly as humanly possible but... I did have to be professional, looking at it like one of my business dealing, when they hadn't started his home services at the time stated in his iep and i thought his poor teacher was going to fall over. I was not the cheery goofball she was used to seeing. If at all possible, try to maintain a friendly working environment with the school and his teachers, always have an open line of communication, and NEVER be afraid to demand things that you're kids need. I certainly know that that's not always possible, and when push comes to shove, push harder!!! Fight the good fight, the services are there and i feel most adminstrators would love for parents to just go along with what they say but in reality, if we did that, our kids wouldn't be where they are today. for you, and everyone else, keep your head up, keeping moving ahead and NEVER give up!!!
Hang in there Enikkibaby, I wish I could say it gets better but I am fighting with the school, and mental health, and SSI right now myself, and I too hate to have to keep fighting would much rather be able to just not make waves. Unfortunately it seems We will have to advocate for our kids and that means Always being ready for the fight! I dont mean to sound negative... hope this isnt hurting more,.... But I wanted to say I hear you and I sympathize.... Im there too. ! I hope it gets better for you soon!